Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[hopeandsupport]

Hi Appleblossom,

Obedient focus to self focus, means not bowing down to all of their wishes.  This wouldn't work when they are unwell, but now when I want my daughter to help out I begin my sentences with "I".  I have to formulate the sentence in my head before I put it to her.  Instead of saying even "Can you clean your bathroom"  you say " I think it would be a good idea if you clean your bathroom".  It's amazing the different response you get when you say it this way.  I think it gives you the authority and they can respect the way you are speaking to them.  However, if my daughter responds that she is too tired to do the chore, I just let it go and try again later, or do it myself when I have time.  Getting upset with her is definitely unproductive for both of us.  The other thing is they want to be independent, and it is hard to go from doing everything for them but you have to gradually let go and live your own life too.  As my daughter is getting better, I am starting to do a few more things for myself.  I guess I had a fairly disciplined upbringing, and I am sorry that you were ignored to a large degree by the sound of it growing up, given the necessities but not much else.  My parents were both pretty selfish in a way, but I knew what the boundaries were and they were mostly good role models, I wasn't spoilt that is for sure.  I have some notes from my workshop which i will try to relay on here, I just have gotten around to reading them properly yet.  Take care. 

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @hopeandsupport

Your clarity makes sense. Its pretty much what I do.  I came across "I messages" early in my marriage and found them artificial and difficult but cn see the wisdom in them. I let things go often and do not insist on tidying or chores. I just return to them as they rear their ugly head.

I started singing once per week 7 years ago to make sure I got out of the house for me.  It has been a life saver.  It has surprised me that he actaually took it up to and came to a few choirs with me a while a go, but developed his own clear interest and is much more ambitious about singing than I was and has now finished his first program with the opera company. I have tried to keep clear boundaries about that .. whats his is his and whats mine is mine. In the singing world that is not always easy .. but I have different ambitions so it should work out.

[Appleblossom]

Another thing I really struggle with is being in authority and that is a different issue again. I have a hard time feeling that anybody will listen to me at all let a lone do work, something unpleasant or boring.

My music teaching has been good for that as usually students are open and responsive.

[Appleblossom]

I am amazed that I have just been asked to look after my ex husband's cat while he goes on a 3 month holiday to the US.

When I last saw him when he moved house a month ago.  He arrived on my doorstep to pick upson for the moving and almost bulldozed me out of the way in his hurry to get son out of bed.

This seems a case of extreme manchild.

Note this person has not APOLOGISED or taken any initaitive for healing or amicable split, but boasts baout his good relationships.  I would have had a coffe etc with him but its all games.

The request was relayed via son. I am hoping it does not casue any disagreements between us.

I am gobsmacked .. really .. I did look after their cat once when both step daughter and him were both overseas at the same time. It was an old family pet from our marriage. I know other people pay to have their pets housed professionally ..

I dont get a proper Christmas, Mothers day, Easter .. I am treated like dirt .. no phone calls ... what presumptuous people. Just my son and I together both feeling very damaged and sad. I am all for cultural awareness. TOO MANY OVERSEAS TRIPS.

I think I am going to say "NO" like @BPBear .. when ex was asked to care for new baby from his schizophrenic partner I took that on but this is a joke. I asked my son why the other ex doesnt take it this time.  Sorry for rant.

[hopeandsupport]

 Oh boy, what a nerve Appleblossom.  Be strong, don't mind his cat, your son needs to see you being strong.  We're cheering for you out here in cyberspace! 

[Appleblossom]

THANK YOU @hopeandsupport its sent shock feelings through my spine which has not helped my touchy neck ..

They forced their "professionalism" down my throat .. the cat can get looked after and he can pay for it... and he sadistically mocked me about motherhood being the 2nd oldest "profession".

Am going to eat beef stirfry with son and watch his fave "Community" on tele.

[BPBear]

Good for you @Appleblossom. Sounds like your ex doesn't have a lot of respect for you and uses you like a doormat. Remember it is a favour he is asking of you and you don't have to oblige, nor do you have to provide any reason for your refusal. It just doesn't suit you is all. He may not like it and try and give you a hard time but stand your ground and don't enter into debate. It is your decision, he needs to respect it.

I was reading some of your other posts and understand a little, what you mean by not being sure what is reasonable or otherwise. Would it help if you asked yourself, 'do I feel this is an imposition'? Would I be comfortable asking somebody to do this for me? There are times that we need to aquiesce to impositions, it's part of the responsibility of parenting for example, but only while our children are dependent upon us. When they become adults the same rules apply to them as everybody else. Yes we may be prepared to do more for them because we love them but if you think they are being unreasonable ask yourself, or them if you think you will get an honest answer, if they would make the same request to one of their friends?

[Appleblossom]

Thanks. It has been really nice and really unusual to have the forum to discuss things.  I got guilted into too much social conscience .. but now I am older .. I can see what others take for granted and what are normal/typical/general responses to the circumstances I have dealt with.

[Appleblossom]

My son has been more helpful .. doing little things in house when I ask etc.

When asking for a lift is more respectful than presumptuous.

When I give him something .. food .. lift etc . ..he is more grateful. 

It was important to say "no" to exH .. re looking after his new cat .. it is setting a sense of self respect that I am ... we are (son and I) ... exH was interrogative about son's relationships with my cats here ... none of his beeswax .. we are not doormats anymore.

Son helped exH with moving house  and yard tidy up for sale etc...  I tell him he has done enough ... that we can show respect by helping but not by using or being used by others.