Hi @BlueBay
Yes - that would have been a tough post to write and I have given it time to think through the reply - I was awake early this morning and gave it the time you deserve - as is often the case with me - but alas - I went back to sleep and woke up a short time ago with the reply firmly in my head so I hope this works for you - I think it will
First - your mother-in-law - having her live with you for 20 years had to have been a strain and I believe she is still alive with dementia and doesn't know you - this has to be tough and I remember my gran lived with us for about the same time and my mother was consumed with guilt when gran went into a nursing home and she died when I was 21 about three months later. Going through all of this would be extremely stressful for your marriage and I imagine your husband is holding a lot inside so yes - this is making life between you hard and works against intimancy. I understand
Second - your brother and others sexually assaulting you - actually perchance the Dr Phil Show yesterday was sexual assault so this is one reason I had to think so hard. I know you need people to listen and I know there are professional people working with you but something isn't being heard and if you had heard what was said yesterday it might have helped
No one can change what happened - and the degree of your anger and grief is destructive and you know this. You need the perpetrators to be brought to justice but I think it's too late now because of the Statute of Limitations but I am not sure. I think you need more than can happen now so somehow you have to let go of the anger. I can hear you btw - and I know the time elapsed because of your repression of your memories. I have experienced this time lapse myself with my mother's physical abuse - something totally outside my conscious memories for nearly 70 years returning unwanted at her funeral. I had therapy for this and although justice can never be served I have been able to lay that aside. This is so hard to do - I know this.
Being threated like trash makes you feel worthless - I hear that and I know that. But you did not ask for it and it is impossible for you to destroy your family as your mother said - your brother did that when he abused you and you could not tell your mother what your unconscious mind hid and that is not your fault either.
Third - menopause varies with every woman - you already have enough here to lessen the desire for intimacy and it gets worse with all the tension around you -
Fourth - your mental illness certainly makes everything harder but it is not your fault - you have an illness - if you had a visible injury or illness you would not be considering it your fault but no one can see mental illness and it is misunderstood. This I understand - I have had chronic pain since my early 50s and no one can see this either - but it's real
So you have no confidence, no self-esteem and no self love and these are so important.
Self-esteem is what I am writing about - something I have thought a lot about and I wonder where it comes from. My mother did everything she could to break my spirit but she could not and it never endeared her to me or me to her. I paid a huge price for fighting back but now in my later years I know it was worth it.
So I am trying really hard to work this out and work it out for you - but your post is surprisingly clear. Especially that sentence I will underline.
You are financially strapped right now and can't do Couples' Counselling - why should this be restricted to those with the cash? Not good. You will soon be empty-nesters and you want to reconnect - how will you do this - a date night might work - I don't know
I did not get to this point in my marriage - I do not blame myself for the breakdown in our marriage but it was my fault it ended because I had enough of the silence. There were many issues in play here - the death of a child has to be one of the big breakers of marriage and one or the other partner ends it and in our case it was me
It is a form of abuse to be told things are your fault and if you are not well enough to work you need time to recover and it seems those virus infections you have are severe - it's great your husband helps with the housework but terrible that he doesn't talk with you over your emotions. I have lived through that and really understand how lonely that is. A tablet rarely fixes much.
It seems you are caught in a dark and terrible place and feel no one hears you. I assure you that I do. I can tell you that none of this is your fault - you haven't caused any of it. You are a victim of abuse from your abusers to your mother and the way she treated you about it. Even now you need to keep her at arms length - as I did with mine - it is undermining to have toxic people in your life
I think - listening - you need your husband to listen and respond - I so get that - but how you will do this is not something I can answer because I told my husband to leave and I was so relieved it was over.
I feel you don't want this - if there is still love it is worth working for but how - I don't know
But thanks for replying to this subject with this sensitive material - I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply but as I said - it needed my time to reply
It's about self-esteem - I wish women had more of it - I wish you did
Dec
