Awareness of Women's Mental Health

[Owlunar]

I am not sure of the details but last night I heard that this week or next week has something to do with the awareness of Women's Mental Health Issues

One thing that comes to me constantly is how many women have poor self-esteem - I am not immune but I was lucky - I was able to break out of the patttern after my mother died - which was over 3.5 years ago now

I have asked myself often where so many women have come to the idea that they are not good enough - less than - worthless - whatever term. It is a harsh reality and I feel there are two sources I can identify

One of them was my mother - I could never get along with her and gave up years back - walked away from her often - I was told I was argumentative and she was right - I was - I refused to take what she was pushing down my throat 

But it wasn't until I realised that I had spent my life doing worthwhile things to build my self-esteem that I was able to shove off the feeling that I was not good enough - 

Have other people had this happen - they have been pushed down by their mothers and other female elders in their lives and felt not good enough only to burst out into the light when the pressue has been relieved

Then there is society - I doubt I will ever try and fit in again - I seem to have lost part of myself trying to fit in with groups of people - actually I get along very well by myself and with a few people at a time - or one person at a time -

As I write this I think I am walking over a huge pile of ideas - I would like to hear from other people - I will list a few people I can think of as I end this post - I feel that my ideas are cluttered too

Of course women are not alone in this "less than" category - there are men like this also - and of course there are women who are okay

Enough from me though - I want to throw this open to the forum

Dec

@utopia@outlander@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@saturnzoon@Former-Member@Sophia1

I will post this and edit it as I find more people to add - my mind has gone blank

[Former-Member]

I get what you are saying @Owlunar, I was pushed down to but not only by my mother and society but also myself.

I can't seem to keep myself positive about anything. I find something good about myself or something I've done and then it's like I automatically ruin for myself.

Such as my son Im so proud of my boy but everytime I think about how lucky I am to have him, my negative thoughts start that I am going to bring him down and that he will get so much further in life if left. 

I can't seem to help it. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I have read a lot of what you write and I know you come from a tough background and I feel as though you are behind the 8 ball a lot of the time with your family - and you love your son a lot and your concern for him comes through a lot 

After we have been put down by a lot of people for years - our families and society - it is really hard to break that cycle - I know I did but wonder how I did - perhaps I could answer some of that and maybe I will in time

For you though - that DVD of your mother from the past is really hard to break - it plays in your head constantly - this happens to everyone - our mother's voice in our childhood - actually before that - even before we are born - is the hardest of all to overcome

Actually I didn't know what I did that was wrong - I was only given a hard time about it and was really confused and I think a lot of people are confused

I believe in  your good heart - you are doing your best with your siblings hanging onto you and you must have done a good job somewhere - sometime - in your life

But let's see where this thread goes 

I saw the ad about Women's Mental Health again today and it's about letting people know they are not alone and you are not - none of us are

We just feel like it at times - some more than others

I care about you

Dec

[utopia]

@Owlunar I had 2 conflicting influences.  My mum who used to tell me I could do anything or be anything I wanted - because I was a woman & we could do anything. 

And my dad who taught me because I was a girl child, there were things I couldn't do, shouldn't do.

The fact that mum was so strong yet put up with my dad - a serial cheater - left me conflicted.

I still have trouble with relationships with men. I find it hard to show a vulnerable side to men - because I fear being that girl child my dad always told me I was. So I became strong. But stubbornly strong - which does not serve me well either. 

[Owlunar]

I understand that @utopia

My father was proud of me and my academic achievements - and encouraged me to join the Army Reserve - which I did

Yet when he needed me to leave school because he had two more kids to educate he said "You will just get married and have babies anyway"

Which was so frustrating - but I was just as stubborn as him and went to do an accounting diploma where I meant the man he tried to discourage from marrying which makes me question fate a bit - I have a wonderful daughter from that marriage

But yeah - I was conflicted for a long time until I realised I had done my own thing - regardless of the truth I never did get to studying medicine which I could have - 

But still - our parents make mistakes and we had other ideas - and I seem to remember your Dad was at Vietnam and had a hard time and gave you a hard time when he returned - so conflict - a lot of it - and confusing for you to have one parent saying you could do anything you chose and the other one belittling you

It was my mother that did the belittling though - as life went on as it tends to do I saw my mother as a "soul-injured" person - I did a lot of research into her life after she died and learned a lot and she was definitely a fearful, co-dependent person who had to be right all the time even when she was obviously wrong

Anway - before he died Dad told me I had been his best academic bet - he was sorry he had made me leave high school but acknowledged I had made a success of my life regardless and I agree - I did

I don't like showing my vulnerable side either - and being tough doesn't always work - but we learn to be what we become

I am really sorry your father gave you such a hard time - that was a rough spin of the dice 

Dec

[utopia]

@Owlunar. Yes my dad was in Vietnam.  I'm certain that it messed him right up. But his childhood didn't help. I don't like his father and redused to attend his funeral. 

Dad had PTSD undiagnosed for 20 years. He was in and out of the psych ward. But his personality was such that I was a girl child and therefore less than my brother.  That it was okay for him to constantly cheat. To have a 16 year old girlfriend when I was 13. To try it on with my teenage friend. To not allow my husband and I to sleep at his house - because it would make HIM -DAD - uncomfortable. 

Mental illness or not. My dad was not a nice man. And he was no role model for a girl child. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @utopia

That is such a crappy way to grow up - being that "girl-child" and less than your brother

Being thought of and told you a worth less than your brother - and singled out by a father who had a lot of problems it seems must have been dark and awful for you - and confusing - and yes - I have looked into my mother's life and found reasons but not excuses for the way she treated all of us - differently yes - some better than others but still scarred - I have managed to shift a lot of that since but for you

It's your Dad and it has determined the way you see men and how you present yourself - saying you are stubborn - yes - me too - but I thought about that term last night

Perhaps some people would say that stubborn is not a good thing to be but I asked myself - who says that? Other people would see that as a strength - I do actually - it might need refining - my ideas and how we behave both need work - but yes - I had to stick like glue to my opinions and I could see my mother as "soul-injured" as I said yesterday - and your father too - "soul-injured" - I was going to write that yesterday but realised I didn't.

Still - like life - there are many aspects - it's not an excuse for bad behaviour but then - has anyone taught them differently? They had to survive - but if I reflect on how my mother behaved toward me and I think she was intensely jealous of me - and put me down whenever she could - I can see that with you and your father - not jealous perhaps but you were not what he wanted and that has to be so hard to live with

So - it's hard to put down neatly - there are reasons people are the way they are and it has hurt us and caused loss of self-esteem and for me I insisted in my generation - which is interesting because I can see that some of my siblings' children are affected by all of this too - my daughter seems not to be

How do we break a cycle that started long before we were born? This might be the question but such a hard one to answer

I wish you the best Utopia and I am so glad you are sharing - I thought about this subject for a long time before I was prompted to open it for discussion and you have given me so much more to think about

Dec

[utopia]

How do we not pass this legacy onto our children @Owlunar. Sometimes I think I know the answers - open communication,  honesty, love, respect.

But then other times I doubt these answers. Yes I'm trying to do them, but the other parent,  the male role model does the opposite. So I cannot protect my son from the actions or inactions of his dad.

Hopefully each generation gets wiser and each generation gets stronger and each generation hurts less.

[Owlunar]

I hope each generation improves too @utopia - and if we treat our children with love, honesty and respect as you say - it must help - 

And alas - we can't account for the behaviour of the other parent - if we suffered from something in our marriage the chances are good it has affected the children as well

My daughter doesn't go around bad-mouthing anyone - certainly not her father - but there have been a few times when she says something telling - in passing actually - not slamming him - and his inability to react to emergencies was one of them - and his silences.

I think the silences have hurt her a lot - and I think they are still happening and that's sad for both of them.

But we can't change that - I hear a lot from divorced and separated women through my day to day life - being one of them helps people unwind and share perhaps - but I know the other parent is a figure in the lives of our children regardless - as indeed we are

We can only do our best - I have read what your write about your son - and mansplaining - I am sure that was you - without looking. Young people love that expression "chill" and I am sure it means "Get off my back - what would you know anyway" - 

Bringing up kids is a tough job and yet here we are - perhaps it can improve with each generation. The first half of the C20th was not an easy time to grow up but then again - here we are

Women have always had it tough - now we are talking about it and this is a good thing

Dec

I hear what you are saying Utopia

[Owlunar]

I want to keep this discussion open - I am aware of how many women here struggle with their self-esteem and when I was at university I met many women like myself who had gone back to continue their education and had issues with their friends and families about what they were doing

To continue study or indeed work causes women to have a lot of internal and external conflict - to continue with a life of her own a woman needs to be single-minded and strong about it - many people have an idea that our studies are too much for us not thinking that the situation is closer to home - conflict in the nuclear family that causes this and adds to the confusion a woman suffers.

And it's no one's business but our own - amazing how many people feel they have a right to interfer with our lives when we do something outside the home

Then there is the returning to work conflict - when does a woman leave her children and pick up her profession again. As soon as she can? After maternity leave? When the kids can go into day-care? When they start school?

If she is a stay-at-home Mum these days she is looked upon with suspicion - what is wrong with her - how can caring for small people all day be satisfying?

Society seems to believe that men are expected to be the provider and if he chooses to increase his education then that is perfectly okay

But when a woman choses this then it's not okay - no one questions a man doing this but a woman - things are changing but the point I am trying to make is this

Women battle a lot with poor self-esteem and they can improve their lot by getting out of the house and working and gaining more education

I feel I am floudering around in the dark trying to write this

Regardless - I think a lot of woman are alone or feel alone with mental health issues - whatever they are and even the term mental health can be hard to manage

Almost as if mental health is one disorder and permanent - it is not - it has as many facets as physical health

Is that one of the problems - terminology?

Dec

@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Zoe7@outlander@Former-Member

I wrote this last week and I was disturbed and forgot about it - I want to keep this thread alive for now and hopefully get some momentum and feedback around this suject

We can get out of it - I have - it was tough and it needed me to be forceful. Not only that it took years and I wish everyone here the same chance to find themselves in spite of everything

Dec