Here I am alone, 500 metres from a whole family who don't choose me

[Judymay]

I am here because I have called every hotline before I don't have the energy to feel unheard today so I'm emailing the web to just get it out. My mums husband was home  today and it was the same as it was all I could hear from my room was yelling and banging. I was terrified and then i could smell the bbq and they were gone. 500 metres up the road to my sister and her family to have yet another gathering without me. This emotional pain makes me want to leave this life I am over it. How do I feel heard? How do I survive in a place where I am constantly reminded I am not enough and not worth their efforts. I honestly don't know why I am even here. 

I can't heal or grieve or anything because I am still living in this place. I am trying to stay distracted 24/7 and dissociate but it's not always working and I hate it because the emotions are big. So I wrote some realistic affirmations today so I can accept my family don't want to and try and move on. If only I can leave so I don't have to be here for it. 

 

[Jynx]

Oh my stars @Judymay I am so sorry that you're experiencing this!! Being excluded is so immensely painful, it hits us right in our most vulnerable points, hey. Sounds like you've been putting all your energy into just surviving, and this has been yet another blow. 

I have read through your 'realistic affirmations' - I think the concept is a brilliant idea! It worries me though that your 'affirmations' aren't particularly affirming! Of course, if they are a comfort to you and you find it helpful to revisit, then that is what works for ya! But if they are potentially also a source of pain, maybe you could reframe them a little, to be a bit more gentle? Like for example, you wrote "You are all alone, get used to it." A toxic positivity affirmation might be "Even if I feel all alone I still have family around me" which is obviously BS and not helpful at all. But maybe a realistic affirmation could be something like "You may be all alone right now, but it is better than trying to fit in with people who don't appreciate you." What do you think?

Sending some hugs your way 🫂🫂