arguments with mom

[lanekim]

Hi everyone I just wanted to vent. My mom is a very angry person who constantly takes her anger out on me. she will start screaming over the smallest things and accuse me of being rude when I’m not.

for example, she screamed at me one morning to take my stuff from my brother’s room. my stuff was in there only due to me needing to paint my room that day so it was temporary. my brother doesn’t live with us, and his room is always being used as storage anyways. I told her this, even though she already knew i was going to paint, and she said she doesn’t care and she wants me to clean it otherwise I cant go to this event that I woke up extra early for. so I did have to clean my room since I wanted to go. I called her before she came home to tell her I cleaned it and got ready to go. once she came home and saw me she said “who said you’re going” and told me I cant go because I’m always rude. She then left me.

These types of arguments and situations always happen and I’m so frustrated, tired, sick, and upset. My life is already bad enough without this happening and it’s like a constant battlefield where I don’t know what will set her off. even if i’m nice and cordial she will make up an argument. she will scream until I engage with her nasty arguments. I also think I’m starting to be like her, day by day my anger issues are growing. small things are starting to make me lash out just like her and it doesn’t help i’m severely depressed. I’m really scared as I don’t want to turn out like her at all and I want to stop letting her make me so angry. Any tips for anger management around someone that wants to push you for arguments? thanks

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums and sharing your current experiences @lanekim . We hope you get the support and connection on the forums that you're looking for. I'm confident you are not alone in feeling this way. 

We'll wait to hear what the community's insights.

[Cryonal27]

Hi @lanekim.

Good on you for reaching out to a group of people who care. Finding yourself in arguments with a parent can be really hard, especially when you may be shouted at without reason.

Are you able to find some space when things are getting escalated? Sometimes giving people physical proximity can allow for some soothing.

Hoping you are well.

[PengTing]

Hey, this sounds quite frustrating for you form what I can hear. I think the fact that you can acknowledge and are aware of the fact the you don't want to turn out like her is a good sign. This is a good video I found a while back about anger, if you want to have a look, its an insightful look into some underlying @lanekim  mechanisms.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh1-y3TzSO4&ab_channel=TimFerriss ( I hope posting links is ok, feel free to delete if not allowed).

[Judymay]

Hello @lanekim thank you for sharing this as I also too am daily struggling to not let my mums words and the tone she uses not crush my spirit. I don't think anyone has made me feel more unloved really and it's triggering being here but sadly I have no choice at the moment to leave.

i have been doing YouTube affirmations and find this one particularly helpful when I walk away and go in my room to regulate myself.

i have also been reading books about it and talking to a psychologist about it as I try and learn how to detach myself emotionally from her and hope to get to the point where her words do nothing to me https://youtu.be/CjFWhcDDTZY?si=5x41u8LfvCNnmuti 

[Newworld]

Your Mum sounds like me, but she may be less aware she is doing intimidation?  I screamed/scream out of frusrastion and paranoia that my kids' Dad were creating a narative for my alientation (which he was and is still) but back then (many years of learning and listening for me)  I didnt have any insight to gaslighting. I still scream to get the kids in a car/bus or anyting to do with school or medical requirements.  I don't know any other way on these matters after the 3 or 10th request.  I am so sorry on behalf or your Mum and me.  Let me know how we can do better and maybe I could provide some hints on what I would love my kids to say to me when I am 'out of line' :(.  

In the meantime, you seem like a fantastic articulate kid and I wish you all the best ! 

[lanekim]

honestly, my mom is fully aware on how she is so I’m not sure she is like you. I told her many times that it pains me, that I don’t like it. She just responds that she’s not doing anything wrong and that I’m the rude one. every single time she says she is in the right. No matter how much I cry, explain-I’ve written her a letter explaining and trying to start over-and she has even stolen and read my diary where I wrote about how horrible I feel all the time due to this. In regards to telling me to do things, I think some instances I can understand yelling to get it done quickly. The issue with my mom is that she will pile on a number of things until I engage in an argument with her. my auntie even mentioned how she seems to be addicted to arguing with me and takes her anger out on me. There are many times where I don’t argue or talk back and she remembers it as if I do, and tells everyone she knows that I argue back all the time. I’ve started recording conversations so that she can’t do this.

And I’m sure you are a good mother since I understand the feeling now. I find myself pushing my anger from my mother towards my younger sister out of fear that she’s listening to my mother’s rants about me. As for what I would like her to do to be better is maybe apologize when emotions spiral if it’s really out of control and show that it wasn’t deliberate. a calm and nice approach to show that you love your children and operate from kindness and not fear. you can add what you would want your children to say when you’re doing this, would be interesting to hear. thanks 

[tacocat]

Hi @lanekim 

I just wanted to send you a quick hello and welcome message. We look forward to having you around on the forums 🙂

[Newworld]

Hi there, this is a great way to connect and hopefully I can keep it up as a routine to check in with a forum weekly  or so as life 'happens' for my own sanity first but then to also maybe give others the same feeling as I get when we connect. Thank you for the platform.