Gday @FearofUnknown this sounds a lot like my family culture and the only way I could survive them was to build up my life away from them. So that I had "enough" that my ego is somewhat and relatively satisfied with the life I have created. It burns when the criticism is familiar, the unhappy attitudes, the subtle competitions and superiorities replayed year after year. When my memory puts on rose coloured glasses about the past I am sure to realistically review my "list of grudges" and circumstances that influenced various life choices. When I replay the memories of cause/effect action/reaction circumstance/change I feel more comfort in life in that, if I had played my cards the way they wanted me to I would not have a better life, I would have a much worse life BECAUSE they seek to play a game of throwing their family members under the bus. They compete against each other. They don't support or trust or help each other beyond the superficial.
All of that makes me very sad with the what ifs and the couldabeens. But, I tell myself as learned from psychology "I'm not grieving my actual family, I'm grieving the family I wish I had". We had some good times when we were little kids. I honour my Mum for the efforts she used to make. I skipped out on a few of the toxic family christmases and rescheduled my own christmas to include personal happiness and friendships. Oh yes I mourn and grieve for what could have been but it's reminding oneself of what ACTUALLY IS that changes perspective.
For your circumstances could you:
- Write a list of things you like about yourself;
- Put items or pictures of your life on show;
- Just numb out through the formalities and...
Get home and be so very grateful for all that you have created. It's hard without other people, I dont have partner or kids etc but I tell myself, if I did things would not be better. Its those bullies and one uppers internalised - "YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE AND THEN YOU WILL BE LOVED!!" I tell myself ...this is the actual problem is the bullying internal and external. That self love is to spend Christmas unlearning the hurtful habits and internalising the peace and love of self that extends to friends and family once we have it within us.
As in the family members who pick and bully don't extend love and peace, but you can do that separately to them and thats where we splinter off into chosen family/friends/single life because we want to have nice relationships not continue the curse of nastiness to each other. It hurts because we did change and grow away from that, they do it because they have a competition in their mind where they HAVE to make someone else the loser before they become the loser. It's sad but all you can do is turn away and tolerate their game playing when you have to and love life when you're away from them.
