Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Silverfox]

I wishing you the best happiness for you and your family. I am glad that my comments were helpful. Take care of yourself. @Silverfox

[Former-Member]

Yikes @SJT63 a step forward and one back from the sounds of things, that is a tough one.

@Silverfox how are you going? How are you and your partner?

[Shaz51]

hello @Scoo , @HoneyOne , @SJT63 , @Former-Member , @Silverfox 

how is everyone tonight 

[SJT63]

@Shaz51  always exhausted come Friday night so off to bed. Hugs x

[HoneyOne]

Hi @Shaz51 @SJT63 

I'm preparing to move on from this relationship.

It's not the bipolar in the end that caused the relationship to run aground. We can't seem to get on the same page in the areas of love, support and communication.

If I am honest with myself, I knew that my partner had emotional issues from the childhood abuse he suffered, from the very beginning. I guess I saw that we had a similar story so I thought we'd be able to go through a journey together. And I guess we have. 

But we're now at the end of the journey. He's on some very solid medication which is really helping. He now knows about exercise, sleep, nutrition and self care to some extent.

And I've allowed myself to love openly and trust even at the risk of being hurt.

There just doesn't seem to be any joy in our relationship. We had spoken about our plans to travel, get married, maybe have a child. But they all feel like checkboxes, not actually anything with connected emotion with them.

I'm now looking to remove myself from the relationship with adequate self care and support.

This is not easy for me to do. But the longer I stay in the relationship, the more difficult it will get to leave. 

So far, my plan for leaving consists of the following:

- Share with close friends that I will leave this relationship. I don't want to re-negotiate with myself so telling them will be helpful in avoiding that. They will also know that I will need additional support for a little while.

- Move back to my home town. This will give me proximity to people who care about me and know my history.

- Continue sessions with my therapist. Book these in advance so I don't 'forget' about them.

- Ensure I eat well and exercise. I am good at this when I'm well, but this is a challenge when I don't feel so great.

We mentioned this morning that it would be helpful if our couples therapist could observe our conversation when we argue. So today I've written notes to summarise the event. I plan to send these notes to our therapist for our Thursday session as well as screenshots of the barrage of messages I've received following the argument.

I'm undecided whether I will tell my partner I've sent this information. My usual style is to include him on the email. But my usual style is also to try to understand and unpack what is going on to make for a better future.

Now, after 2 years, I just want to move on. When people look at our relationship from the outside, they think it's amazing.

I'm not too sure why it's important for me to share this information with our counsellor. Perhaps to ensure that I'm leaving for the right reasons. I have relationship issues myself.

Anyway, that's for listening.

xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @HoneyOne ..... what you have written sounds well considered and grounded.  You have helped me to find a little more closure in my circumstances with how concisely you have been able to express some thoughts that are mine too ..... just wanna say thanks for that, and wish you well.

While the relationship I arrived here with - four years ago - has folded now, there is a lot of working out yet to do, and I am a carer of adult kids with MI issues ..... so I hope you find continuing support from this community helpful as you make your way forward.

[HoneyOne]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy... or like my partner tells me... I'm wanting too much by wanting connection with him.

I would love to stay in touch with this community. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm still welcome!

Have a lovely evening,

xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

You're very welcome @HoneyOne.  This is a mental health support forum, and all

menbers matter - they / we all have something to give, and support to gain, on an individual level, and as a community as part of the bigger picture.

As you become more familiar with the topics and threads you come across here you will find some that work for you more than others.  It becomes a natural migration.  I definitely stayed in my marriage for the long haul, and it wasn't my decision to end it, (which happened very rudely, abruptly, but also decisively) and as I have written elsewhere here, I am not sorry I stayed the course until it ran out, so I am also here to support others in their decision to stay, if that is where they need to be.

@Former-Member is one amongst many a wonderful advocate here for living well, with mental health challenges in the relationship.  

It's all about care - self care and care for others.

[Silverfox]

Thank you for asking @Darcy, my wife still after 2 years her conditions have not yet improved. I am hoping that her condition will improve in time. I am committed to stand by her and fight it together. Love will prevail.  Take care @Silverfox 

[SJT63]

@Silverfox @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @HoneyOne 

Hello to all - I'm happy to report that the weekend just gone has been the least traumatic weekend since last June. Yes we still had a few tanties, but they didn't end up completely out of control like they have been. After three weeks on a new med (dosage increased slightly last Thursday) I am seeing a bit more of his real self emerging each day.

What I have found is that even though he refuses to discuss difficult things with me (it will trigger him into either a rage or a depression if I talk about unpleasant things) I can email him.

I email him in the morning and by the time I get home from work he's had time to read what I've said in a logical, uninterrupted sequence, and take in my perspective on something that's happened.

At the moment I still have to be very careful not to give any offence (and I slipped up a couple of times over the weekend) but the outbursts are nowhere near as long or as violent. I think he finds the emails less threatening that being confronted in person about his behaviour and he then has time to "listen" to what I've said after his initial knee jerk reaction has passed.

He has decided to find his physical gratification at home rather than elsewhere and I'm not as much of a waste of his time as I'd been led to believe. I double checked that the two cryptic things he said on Friday did actually refer to the email I sent on Wednesday and we're good to go. When he's not too tired.....

Anyway, this weekend I got to spend some time with the actual man I fell in love with.

xoxo