no intimacy in relationship

[hippyjingle67]

we have been together nearly 10 years,  he has major depression, and at the beginning the sex was great. now 10 years on, my partner has changed medications several times, including blood pressure, but there is no intimacy between us. i know he wants to coz he told me he did. beleive me i have thought of all the things he wud be feeling, but what about me? am at the end of my teether and thinking about going to get it from somewhere else. stuck between a rock and a hard place, love him so much, but i need to feel that too. some advice please. : ) is this a selfish way of thinking or does it mean that i am just a normal woman who wants and needs to be touched

[Former-Member]

Hi @hippyjingle67,

A very warm welcome to the SANE Forums. Thank you for sharing with us all, writing your first thread post can be difficult.

It sounds like you are very caring and supportive of your partner. Relationships are hard work and it is a testament to you both that you have been together for almost 10 years. It is normal for intimacy to decrease over time and not be as frequent as when you first begin your relationship. However it sounds as though your partner is interested in sex, but at the moment may be experiencing a low libido or possibly impotence. If he is willing to, it may be a good idea for him to discuss this with his doctor as a decrease in libido is a common symptom of depression and some medications can cause changes in libido and erectile function. The doctor can discuss some options with him/you and may be able to alleviate some of the pressure this is putting on your relationship.

It is important to remember that even though you love your partner and are caring for him, you also have needs and while people sometimes don’t like to talk about it, sex is a basic human need. It is perfectly normal to want intimacy in your life and with your partner and this does not make you selfish in any way. It’s great that you are trying to consider your partner’s point of view in this situation but it can be difficult to balance what is right for you. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you or how you proceed from here. It sounds like you have been able to discuss this with your partner before and maybe this would be a good first step for you now if you feel comfortable to do so.

What are everyone else’s thoughts/experiences?

I wish you all the best @hippyjingle67 and look forward to ‘seeing’ you around the forums.

Rockpool

[hippyjingle67]

thank you rockpool for your very warm welcom to sane forums. i really appreciate any feed back i can get as i am so stuck. my partner and i have not spoken about this too much, but we always said that we wud chat about more if one of us was needing to get sex from somewhere else, not doing it behind each others back, that is not the kind of people we are. and also both of us would be very understanding of the other ones needs. we are both very thoughtful considerate humans who beleive in that basic human kindness to each other and those around us xx

[Louise]

Hi @hippyjingle67, welcome to the forums and I hope you will find good support here. I think it's a good idea to ask for advice/ opinions etc on the matter of sex, because its not always an easy area of life to navigate. Especially when one or both partners are struggling with MI. 

Discussing matters with your partner, and also as a couple with a doctor, sounds like a great idea. You may receive some advice that doesn't sound right to you or doesn't seem to suit your situation. If that happens, you can try another doctor or a counsellor together, or psychologist. It's worth persisting for a while before jeapordising the whole relationship which could lead to regrets.

I hope the two of you can work through this to an outcome which is satisfactory for each xx

[CherryBomb]

Hi @hippyjingle67

I just want to say hi and welcome to the Forums.

Both @Louise and @Former-Member have raised great points, so much so I feel I don't have much to add to add.

I agree with Rockpool - Ten years is indeed a testimate to you and your partner's efforts in the relationship. And you are not at all selfish to want a basic human need.

As @Louise pointed out, it might be helpful to speak to a counsellor about it. If your partner decides he doesn't want to go, perhaps you can also go on your own to get the ball rolling. One place that offers relationship counselling in Relationships Australia. Another option could looking on the Australian Psychology Society website and search for a psychologist the specialises in intimacy and relationship issues. You might want to check in with them to see if and how they can offer a medicare rebate.

Hope you can work through it with your partner.

CB

[hippyjingle67]

thanks so much Louise, for taking the time to reply to my post, those are some very wise words and advice xx

[hippyjingle67]

thankyou very much cherrybomb i appreciate the advice and also the extra avenues to go down

[Former-Member]

Hi there @hippyjingle67

I'm not sure if you're still active on the Forums, but I thought you might be interested in tonight's Topic Tuesday, "When mental illness impacts intimacy", with special guest SANE Psychologist Suzanne Leckie. You can join the discussion here at 7pm tonight.

[Dreamer]

Hi @Former-Member and sorry to jump in on your topic of discussion @hippyjingle67 but this is a problem my partner and I are also facing. I am the one experiencing the non desire or ability and it is breaking my heart and causing me more distress and depression. I appreciate all of the advice given. I was really disappointed I missed the discussion with Suzanne Leckie, is there any chance it was recorded and could be something I can access still? Thanks so much and good luck finding the answers @hippyjingle67 to keep your love for each other strong.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dreamer,

I just thought I'd pop in to let you know that all of the Topic Tuesday discussions are saved in the Special Events section of the Forum. So you can still go back and have a read through the discussion on intimacy here. There was a lot of intersting and insightful contributions from a lot of our members. I hope you can find some answers and encouragement to reconnect with yourself and your partner. Initimacy can be such a hard thing to hold onto in amongst all the stress and difficulty of life. But the fact that you are in touch with what's going on for you, and that you're reaching out for support and trying to get things back on track, means you're already on the path of recovery. 

All the best,
supernova.