Wife took the kids and don't know what to do

[EvilVsGood]

Hi, some info first:

1. Me (husband) and wife together for 15 years. 2 year old and 7 year old..
2. Had a rough start. Both very stubborn and defensive. Some physical abuse and threats from both sides. outgrew this years ago (before kids)
3. both worked and good income. Never stressed about cash.
4. In 15 years she had about 4 episodes triggered after an event. Last year we moved from another country, her mom diagnosed with cancer (clear now), sexual abuse at work (also sexual abuse when she was 12), lost her job and adjusting to Aus
5. Moved here in June. All was fine until dec. Got a call from Child wellfare. Accused me for abusing her because someone noticed marks on her skin. Was nail marks of our 2 year old. 7year old said his mom hit him with a pan over the head. Don't think this was true. This was so badly handled we both laid a complaint. Senior person phoned us in Jan and apologized. They provided 3 months childcare for the little one.
6. My salary covers our expensis and very little spending. Idea was that she brings in money with photos. Was good for 6 months and then she got too scared to work with kids after child services.
7. She started spending on my credit card putting is very bad in debt. To such a point that food budget is from 1.5k to 1k and our spending is like 200 per month.
8. Her tasks should have been like 1 or 2 shoots a month, look after the household, the 2 year old. Both kids in school now and she doesn't do household work (limited) and no shoots. This additional financial stress made me react in a badly. I was verbally abusive without thinking of it. I told her she was lazy, useless, bad mother coz she doesn't make food for them, digging a whole for us all. I was mad due to the situation and really feel bad that I actually did this.
9. From Jan she got panic attacks. Started taking anti depressions (made things worse in the past) and now. She is going out of her way to hide things etc. If i ask her for help she doesn't care. Around start of june she was at a psychologist and went to a gp after. Gp phoned me to cone in and when i got there she wanted to do self harm. 12 june she saw a psychiatrist and just told me he said she has stress and post natal depression. 15th she googled Borderline and Narcissist fall in love (I know she thinks I'm a narcissist coz even gave me quizzes). 16 she wrote suicide notes saying its all her fault and she is ill. 19the she couldn't even dress herself. Asked me to bump up private medical to go to a clinic. Went to the gp for referral and he suggested second opinion at psychiatrist. Docs was emailed and they started making plans for the wife to go in. I worked till 5 30 and fetched the 2year old. Got home and she was packed and police arrived. She is now in some safehouse as if i am the worst person alive. I miss my kids and I don't lnow what to do. Her aunt has Bi polar and I think she might have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder but not sure. I just want to see my kids 😞

[greenpea]

@EvilVsGood  Hi and welcome EvilVsGood to the forum I am sorry it is not under better circumstances for you.I have never been in the position that you now find yourself in so I am not going to pretend I know what you should do. I do however think it would be great if you could see your gp today to tell him what has happened. You gp might have an idea on what you should do next. 

It would be great if you could also have some counselling as well as your wife to go through your problems. Your gp would be able to refer you onto a psychologist who does the BOMH program which gives you an amount of free psycholgist sessions just to help you through this rough patch. It would also be great if you could organize some marriage counselling sessions for both of you to attend.

I hope my few words help. I am sure your children are fine and you will see them soon so try not to worry. greenpea

[EvilVsGood]

Hi greenpea,

We went for 1 marriage counselling and he said its a bit early because my wife wanted to self harm so he cannot say anything as she might go back into that state. I was also at her psychologist once and that was good but then my wife wanted me to get a care plan and i said i will pay for it as i didn't want anything to be a flag when i apply for citizenship. I then found out its not an issue and told my wife let's go but then it was too late.

She seems very irrational at the moment and believes I am the enemy. She's following advice from her 1 friend who believes i have a demon in me and Obhama is the anti-christ..

I tried that we can go for mediation and yesterday she said ok.. 5min later she said no and all i care about is myself and not the children and that she can see through me..

Even things that happened way back in the day up to recent events is different in her mind. Like a few weeks back an incident happened at the GP. She says we talked and then wanted to self harm whereas I actually arrived after the gp phoned me, waited for her to return from the toilet and once she did she was walking around like a zombie looking for something to do self harm.

I don't know what else to do and i am dying inside of grief day by day for my children

[Former-Member]

Hi @EvilVsGood, 

I can't imagine how painful it is to not have your children with you right now and for your partner to be so unwell that she is treating you as the enemy. I'm really glad you have reached out for some support on the forums. 

As well as reaching out here I'm wondering if it would really help to get some support that is just for you, as this is an incredibly painful, draining, and complex situation for anyone to try to navigate. 

Carers Australia support people who are supporting someone in their life with illness, disability, or mental illness. They offer a lot of affordable/free support. You can call them on 1800 242 636.

There is also Mensline who have an excellent helpline on 1800 789 978 to support men with family and relationship concerns. 

Take care of yourself, 

Tortoiseshell 

[EvilVsGood]

Hi,

thanks for your feedback. I have spoken to mensline and everyone just keeps saying because she's in a safe-house no one can assist. I can't force her to come to mediation and she is in a constant change of mind and no one seems to see that this is related to her mental health but rather than me being the problem 😞

[Ali11]

We're so sorry to hear about what you're going through @EvilVsGood, it must be incredibly frustrating to see it all roll out in front of you and not really being able to do anything to help. Does your wife have any family that you're able to reach out and talk to about what she's going through? 

[EvilVsGood]

I've tried speaking to her parents. I think they more pushing for her to get the kids and move back to our country as they didn't approve us coming here in the first place. Her mom even prayed so that we can't get our Visa's.. So my kids are on a no fly list and I have their passports at the moment. I noticed she did try and find it when she was packing up stuff when she left but her time ran out as she was told to hurry up. Just glad I got the passports at least.

If only I knew if the phyciatrist diagnosed her with BPD or Bipolar I could try and help but I have no idea what is going on and what her plans are. This morning she was kind of open to Mediation and a few minutes later just stating I don't put the kids first and I'm lying and I don't have money for a lawyer. I want to go to Family court but I can't do that without a certificate from mediation and the waiting list seems to be like 3 weeks before I can get a appointment. Even then they still need to contact/email her and wait a week to respond. If she doesn't then only I can get a certificate for family court.

She has left the kids in my care several times and just vanished for a day or two not even asking how they doing. She tried to commit suicide and self harm. She's the one putting us into financial trouble but somehow I'm being the bad guy and the children are kept from me. I have no idea how this is even allowed 😞  I'm starting to think maybe Australia shouldn't have been the place to come 😞

[Ali11]

It does sound like a difficult situation @EvilVsGood, are you able to get in contact with legal aid to talk through your options regarding the safety of your children?   

[Ali11]

Checking in on you @EvilVsGood, how are you doing? Has there been any progress? Sending love 

[EvilVsGood]

Hi,

Child services had to cancel again so seeing them on monday. Trying to get my wife to arrange that I meet the kids but so far no luck. Its soooo hard trying to think when I'll see my kids again. And today, for the first time I do miss my wife even if I'm angry with her with what is going on.