Trying to hold it toghether.

[Tiha]

I am a parent of a adult son who has depression and anxiety.

I have been married for 35 years to my sons stepfather

I am an artist 

I love music

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tiha 

Welcome to the SANE forums!

It's great to have you here and thanks for telling the community a bit about yourself.   I'm sure the forum members will be able to offer you support, information and connection   I'm the moderator this evening.   Feel free to ask the SANE forum team or the members if you need help with how to use the forum. You might like to check out the Guidelines as they can be a pretty useful in understanding how it all works  https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage#community-guidelines.  Take care.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Tiha,

How are you travelling with things at the moment? 

Also I thought you might be interested in one of our creative self-care threads. ART...CLASS 

[Tiha]

Thank you Tortoiseshell,

Im travelling as best I can.

I always try to stay positive but has been difficult of late.

Sorry I have not responded but have been in a dark place just trying to make sense of everything.

Having family issues is one thing but the isolation on top of that makes it hard to escape tough issues.

Its so hard to see someone you love in so much emotional pain and anxiety but unable to change it for them.

All I can do is be there for them. Also the passive judgement from other family members is soul destroying.

I will have a look at your Art Class.

Thank you for suggesting.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Tiha I am just wondering how you are travelling since your last post? Also I saw your artwork in your profile, what an incredible artist you are! How wonderful. Let us know how you're getting on when you're up to it, how are you managing with those feelings of passive judgement? I do find passive behaviour the most challenging, I really try and detach from that myself - it's tough sometimes. Our community is always here to listen. 

[angela4]

Hello

Yes, I agree - watching a loved one in pain is so hard - and when you can't help them, the helplessness can be overwhelming. My mind goes to dark places worrying about the future, but I have to pull back and try to stay present. You know, family and friends probably don't mean to judge, but ignorance about the lived experience of mental illness and caring for someone with a mental is still high. But I get your point. If only 'sunshine and going out' was a cure!

[Tiha]

Sorry it’s taken me this long to reply. A lot has happened since 2020. My goodness ! My son had to move in with us. When the lockdown hit the second time in late 2020 he had to move out of his accommodation. He was sharing with other friends. He went to regional for temp work and when that job ended he almost became homeless. Salvos put him up in a local hotel and he invited someone he met there into his room and they robbed him. He rang me sounding like a little boy saying mum I just want to come home. So we have allowed him back home. Until he gets things back on track. So now I am dealing with my husband his stepdad who wants him to do things around the place but is not happy with the way he does the lawn etc… My son pays us money but it is just what he can afford which does help us to buy food. My son has lived on his own for a long time so to fit back into family life has been a challenge for him he has developed a social anxiety and stays in his room a lot. But I see him making small efforts to get back on track. He is having some dental surgery coming up so he is stressing about too. So I feel like the meat in the sandwich. I understand my husband wants my son yo do more and not isolate so much and he sees it as just being lazy. My husband and I are arguing a lot and I feel the pressure from him to be more harder on my son. Which I understand but my method slow and steady wins the race. I talk to my son a lot and when I feel he is open to communicate that is when I talk to him about his plan to get his life back. He is so eager to move out he realises he is putting us under stress and that upsets him that he can’t move out faster but no one is going to rent to him without a job. Since being robbed he won’t rent in a boarding house. He does not feel safe in them. So we are stuck in this triangle the 3 of us. Sorry that was a big unload.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Tiha 

I think it is important for adult children to pay some money when they live with parents, as it gets them used to pulling their weight and budgeting.  My son is back home and I talk about it as being in transition, so we are all on the same page that we want him to move on, when he is ready and it is a viable situation.

Its great your son is trying and do jobs around the place.  My son does a little but I have to be very careful about asking too much.  I certainly do not criticise what he was done.  Its hard keeping peace between 2 men, as somehow the old competitive aspects rise up.

It did not seem like a big unload to me.  A lot has happened and to shorten it would not do justice to your reality.

Take Care of yourself as well as the men.

[Tiha]

Thank you for your comment. 
it's hard to gauge if your doing the right or best thing. 
I just figure if he is out there on his own an agency would be helping him the same way.

I believe a village raises a family. 
Even I agree with my husband that my son can take things for granted but if I discuss it calmly with him he realises he is doing that himself. But it's not happening fast enough for my husband I am feeling the pressure and strain more from my husband more so than I do from my son. Even before my son moved back my husband was putting the pressure on me to be more caring towards him. My husband is the major bread earner but is struggling to keep up the pace at work. I work 2 days a week behind a desk. Due to pandemic I haven't been able to secure more work. But I'm hanging on for dear life to what work I have. 
My husband sometimes uses this to put forward his value and diminish my appreciate for it. I feel I do but he has very high expectations which make me tired just talking about it. I'm already struggle with normal energy levels. 
I fear it's not a great environment for my son to witness this so I'm always juggling the environment so my husband does not get upset. 
I have called him on this and said how can our son have respect for him when he sees you being very judgemental towards me. 
I feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker. 
Sorry my husband just had another rant at me now about the slow progress my son is making. 
wonder if none else is living this too?

[Paperdaisy]

I can relate to the pressure cooker reference @Tiha Particularly during lockdown when we were all living on top of eachother. There is a lot of pressure on families at the moment with the pandemic and the stresses and uncertainties this brings, with mental health on top of this it's a lot to handle. @Appleblossom makes a very good point that you need to take care of yourself too. Is there anyone you speak to? 

I hope things settle for you and get easier 💝