The insanity of trying to live with an alcoholic

[Shellee]

The last few days of life between my AP and I has been traumatic, the insane behaviour his addiction incites in me is nothing short of complete craziness. I know my partner may never be ready or capable  of giving up Alcohol and now my own insane thought that I could help him through this needs to end. I am fortunate to have a gentle caring partner but hey has a disease he can’t control. I’ve always known I can’t control it either but I thought I could support his journey, somewhere along the way mr lines got blurred. I hope I have now reached a place where I can better myself, I want to

learn acceptance, I want to learn to support him without judgement, I want him safe for however long he has left in this world. I want to make myself stronger, wiser, educated, prepared the best I can be to accept alcoholism, all I can control is me and I haven’t even done that for the last 6 months, he has disappointed me a million times and I have become desperate trying to force him to understand how this makes me feel, I am ashamed of my selfishness and inability to keep a lid on the complete and utter frustration and anger this makes me feel, I have pushed and pushed and pushed him away because of my own scared soul. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Shellee,

Welcome to the forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. Please know that you are in a safe and anonymous space with many caring members who have a wide range of lived experience.

I really feel for you and your partner. It sounds like things have been extremely difficult for you both, particularly the last few days. Living with an alcoholic can be very difficult - one of my friend's husbands was an alcoholic for more than 20 years so I have some insight into this rollercoaster you and your partner are both on. My friend's partner (I'll call him "Fred") gave up alcohol around 10 years ago and has been sober ever since. What I do know from that experience is that it took a village. Fred has been with Alcoholics Anonymous twice a week, every week for the last ten years. His family also went to counselling to help Fred but also for their own much needed support. 

It is great that you want to help your partner but I would also really encourage you to get some external support for yourself. What I do know through my owned lived experience is that supporting anyone that requires a lot of emotional support is draining on you. A family member of mine has a serious mental illness and I am his main support person. For a long time I gave so much of myself emotionally to help him that I didn't realise I was breaking in the process. Do you have a GP you can reach out to for support? A trusted family member or friend that you feel safe to share this with?

You actually come across as very selfless - what you are going through is extremely challenging and it sounds like you have really tried, for a long time, to be supportive and non-judgemental. Everyone (even the nicest of people) have a breaking point. 

I would also encourage your partner (if he is ready) to reach out to Alcoholics Anonymous https://aa.org.au/ or a similar organisation. There is also an organisation called Al-Anon which is an organisation aimed at helping families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with someone whose drinking is a problem https://www.al-anon.org.au/. Maybe this is an organisation you might want to reach out to for your own support?

I wish you and your partner all the best. 

FloatingFeather

[Shellee]

Thank you for your support. I am seeking support through Alanon and other services, fortunately I have some family members that have a success story of their own through AA and Alanon and have been involved with these groups for at least the last 45 years, it helps me less feel crazy, the only thing I have found with Alanon is that I am one of few who are still with there partners, I feel a little embarrassed to say I’m still with him at the moment. I want no judgement for my partner as we have both done wrong by each other in the most destructive ways of late, he has been the rock for most of this and I he fallen down because of my own inability to cope. We have had so many things going on in our lives for the last year and have been pushed to our limits in all aspects out of our relationship. I am looking forward to regrouping and making the best efforts we can to make our wrongs of the past right, my journey starts with me though.

[FloatingFeather]

Glad to hear you are already seeking support @Shellee and to read that you have other family members with their own success stories around this. 

You sound like you want to protect your partner for the judgement of others. Whether you are with him or not is your business - you don't need to explain or justify yourself to others. It sounds like you have both supported each other through a lot over the years; when one or the other of you may have lost your way. Sounds like a committed relationship to me. 

As you said 'your journey starts with you'. Today is a new day, and today is filled with hope and the chance to write a new chapter in your book of life. I wish you all the best.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[A_H]

Im new here but am in the same situation. Its a lonely place to be, I've also just started to work on myself in hopes I have a better understanding of the disease. Just knowing I'm not alone is comforting. In my case it's a generational thing, one I desperately want my children to avoid. I guess knowledge is the key.