Struggling with partner's depression

[1105]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for having me here.

I met a beautiful, affectionate and loving man 6 months ago and we fell quickly in love and made a commitment to each other soon after we met. After a couple of months, he went into a depressed episode - his first. He has been through some very difficult times over recent years or so including loss of his job related to Covid and the breakdown of his marriage prior to that. In some ways it is not so surprising that he has had this 'crash'. He moved interstate (as planned) and I went to stay with him a while. It was quite challenging as he is very withdrawn and emotionally 'shut down'. He has articulated to me that he can't think straight and doesn't have any feelings toward things he is normally excited about. He has told me he knows he still loves me but he is unable to express this to me in any way right now. This is very difficult because we had such a wonderful beginning and this has all been very sudden.

I am finding his withdrawal - lack of affection, support, warmth, interest - very difficult. I know it is not his fault, that it is the depression, but by turn I feel sad, angry, helpless, hopeless, hopeful, neutral. While I was with him, he suggested we break up because seeing my pain is making him hate himself more than he already does, and he says I deserve better. I told him I didn't want to do that because we are still in love; it is just the depression standing between us and that I also want to support him. We have stayed together but he asked me to leave until he can 'sort himself out'. I have offered to help in many ways. But, he has asked for space and I am trying to give him the space he has asked for. We do stay in touch daily via text. Our text conversations are chit-chat - nothing meaningful. I am finding all of this so hard to cope with. I am so sad for his pain. I hate to see this beautiful man suffer. I don't want to break up because I still love him, but I find it so hard to have none of my relationship needs met - to also be in so much pain but unable to reach out to him for mutual support. I feel that I am so powerless and that all I can do is wait and hope he will get better and the man I fell in love with, and who loved me so intensely, will come back to me. I am fearful it will take a very long time for him to feel better; I fear we will drift apart given our short history or that he will give up on us. 

I guess I am wondering if anyone out there has been through this - as the partner or the depressed partner - and if you have any learning to share. I feel so emotionally taxed and constantly stressed.

Thank you.

[tyme]

Dear @1105 , 

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like the effects of depression he is facing. I hear you feel so torn - as though the man you once knew has now been taken over.

It is incredible to hear that you are standing by him. Yet I also see that he probably wants 'space' to recover.

Has he seen a GP? I guess you can only make suggestions for him to talk to someone.

You are welcome to share our drop-in line with him - 1800 187 263 (M-F 10am-10pm) so he can speak to one of our amazing counsellors. We also have a Guided Service https://www.sane.org/referral for a more tailored approach (you can see the link to see if he is eligible).

For me, during my recovery, I separated myself from everyone so that I could recover on my own. And I did. It took years, but I needed that space to work things out for myself. This might be his case too? We are all different.

All the best,

tyme

[Kaydens]

@1105 

Hi,

As someone who's been dealing with depression for years due to loss of a loved one, I do have similar problems as your partner.

It often happens when I am feeling fine and start to date another woman, but the key word here is "another", we could be having fun and all of a sudden I realised I am texting/flirting with the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, the feelings are genuine, but depression is a killer. When this happens, I usually just try my best not to hurt the girl and withdraw myself early on into the relationship, keep in mind I am not certain this is what your partner is doing, its just my personal experience.  

[Former-Member]

hey @1105, this sounds like it's really difficult to go through. I think it's completely understandable to feel torn about the situation. 

Firstly, you have shown so much care and empathy for your partner. I know for me, it's so hard to see loved ones going through such difficult emotions. Like you said, it kinda makes sense that his world is so shaken after what's happened. 

Secondly, I think it also makes sense that you're checking in with yourself about what you want. Like you said, a lot of your needs aren't being, and balancing that with your partners need for space is so difficult!

What kind of support do you have for yourself? Anyone to talk with about this? 

From my own experience, loved ones will only seek support when they're ready. I know I've been frustrated when loved ones haven't followed up on support that I think would help them. When I can see how much they're struggling, it's even worse. It sounds like you've offered a lot of support, but have you talked about your own needs and trying to ensure they're met too? 

Sending lots of virtual support your way,

TuxedoCat

[wellwellwellnez]

Hi @1105 . I should preface this by saying I'm on a bit of a mission when it comes to attachment disorders. I personally identify as an avoidant personality, which is a kind of common yet under researched scenario, which even more common among men.

Attachment issues is one of those things can cut deep and is also something that we all go through at least a little bit. So my antennas are usually up for avoidant cases. And, I like to recommend looking into Attachment Theory when I see signs. It does seem he's turning in on himself, at least a little bit.

[Kana]

I am the partner of a depressed person, he is almost always angry, withdrawn, negative and or non-responsive. We have been together for 15 years and have had some lovely times.  I care for him and spent many years sad and lonely, it took me until the past 12 months to put myself first, I have a job I love and beautiful children who care for me.  He can be talking to me ok and then if I leave the room and come back 5 minutes later, his mood has changed and he stops talking to me or engaging from 1 day to 1 year. He has been very ill for many years, I have supported him through medication trials and ECT.  I still live my life as his partner but no longer cry or get upset over being shut out, I just do things I enjoy, always including him, offering support and continue to love him.  My partner never finds joy in anything or smiles at anything, I do that for him and hope he gets something out of his life with me, I encourage, praise and let him know how much I love him, I ignore his bad moods, snide comments and negativity, I now remain positive for the both of us, I put flowers by his bed, have his coffee ready every morning and annoy him with positivity, he never acknowledges or says thank you but we are together and I will always care for him. I had to learn and adapt or be forever sad with him, I know your pain well, take care of yourself 

[Ruth475]

How on earth do you manage to do this? After 25 years with my partner with depression my heart is aching with neglect and I don't think I can do it anymore.

[fluffylight]

Hi there @Ruth475

Welcome to the forums 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and worries here, they're so welcome here 💛

I can hear that you are sharing a lot of resonating feelings with other forum members. Sounds like you are noticing that things are hard in your relationship and that its hard on you as well.

I want to hold space for your feelings and let you know that you're not alone in this.

I am also wanting to suggest if it sits okay with you, to make your own post it so others can be of connection and support to you 🙂 (as this thread is quite old other members may not be aware of your post)

Please continue to reach out, we are here to support.

fluffylight x

[Blackbird11]

I hear your pain and struggle @1105 Hang in there, you matter too.

So good you reached out, we're here... Contact us (sane.org) we also have some quick facts here... Families, friends & carers (sane.org)  

Hope this is useful 💚