Resentment

[FilisGal]

TW: Posts discuss Suicide

My 33 year old son attempted suicide 6 years ago and now requires 24/7 care in all areas of his life including showering, toileting, and feeding.  He has a hypoxic brain injury and cannot walk and is limited verbally.

He used to be such an active, outgoing, happy young man with a beautiful family before his attempt.  Now he has no quality of life and I look at him and think he would be better off dead. It absolutely breaks my heart 💔 to look at him sometimes and I feel useless as a mother that I didn't see he was in such pain.

A lot of people don't understand the fallout from someone's decision to attempt suicide.  I have had to put my own hopes & dreams aside to care for my son. My marriage to my husband of nearly 30 years is distant and we argue about my son's care. A lot of the time I deeply resent my son so much for what he has done that I don't want to be around him and yet we had a close relationship before, or so I thought.

How do I stop these feelings of resentment towards him and learn to forgive him?

[Appleblossom]

ooooh @FilisGal My heart goes out to you and your son.

I cannot give easy answers. 

You have done the hard yards for decades as a mother and still at it.

Your feelings are understandable.  

The fall out from attempts and suicidal behaviour is huge.

My sister completed over 30 years ago and rarely have I been given any support to articulate feelings I have had.  Recently I sat on a stone couch and reflected on her and our good times and our separations.  We were often raised apart, and quietly said Thanks a lot sis.  When I uttered it out loud in a MH group, someone came down on me with 'thats resentful'.  Most of the 30 years I have protected her "life and her 'reasons', but I am a person  too.  It was far more weary and full of love and sad awareness of the aftermaths ...

Different situation to you.   There is a lot of focus on men suppressing their emotions, which comes from society generally, not just parents... You deserve respect. 

[hanami]

Hi there @Appleblossom and @FilisGal 

I have no wise words to add but wanted to say I feel that your feelings are very valid. Resentment is totally understandable and my heart goes out to both of you. 

❤️

[FloatingFeather]

HI @FilisGal,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

I really respect your honesty and transparency in your post. I am a big believer in not feeling bad for how we feel. At the end of the day feelings (to me at least) are organic - there shouldn't be a right or wrong way around how we feel. Feelings are an emotional and honest response to what is going on for us. I also think that until another person has walked the same path we don't know how we would feel in such circumstances. 

It sounds like you all have been through a really tough time over the years. As a mother of three I can only imagine how your heart would feel seeing your son this way. It is so sad for all involved.

In terms of how you feel not recognising how much pain your son was in before he made an attempt I would really encourage you to show yourself kindness, understanding and forgiveness. A lot of people aren't very communicative, a lot of people do keep things to themselves, it can be really hard to second guess what someone is thinking / going through. None of us have a crystal ball and hindsight is a wonderful thing but we all make decisions in the moment with the knowledge we have at the time. 

Do you have any professional support that you can talk to around how you are feeling? I would imagine after so many years of caring for your son alongside the 24/7 commitment it takes there would be a lot for you to unpack in terms of feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I would really encourage you if you haven't already to seek out some professional support for yourself. Just in case you aren't aware of these two carer organisations I will attach a link here for you as they be able to offer you some guidance / support:

- Carers Australia 

- Carer Gateway 

I really wish you well and I hope you find support for yourself too. Please be kind to yourself - you have been through a lot over the years.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather