Partner of someone with bpd

[Mylesh]

• Hello everyone my name is mylesh I am 26 and my partner has bpd, a quick back story I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years, it has been a challenge learning about her triggers and handling them when they would arise. we moved out on our own for a year but we were finding it difficult to save. plus I also found it difficult to be the only support in the household and I noticed also that my partner was in more of a heightened state because she was away from her father. We decided to move back to her fathers house for a safer environment but unfortunately her fathers partner was not to keen on us moving back and it ended up causing a divide between her father and her fathers partner, which ultimately ended in her father asking us to leave by the end of September. My partners feelings of abandonment have really taken a hold now as she was abandoned at the age of 14 by her mother, now here father being her only family member that is in contact with her has asked us to leave so his partner and her family can move into his home, I’m worried about our future and if I have the strength to help her get through this hard time, I’m worried that if I cannot be strong for her in this moment the possibility of us as a couple will be abit more grim, has anyone else been in a similar situation? I’m a little bit lost at the moment and it would be cool if someone could share their experience and what helped them stay strong in tough times, cheers mylesh 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Mylesh,

It sounds like you and your partner are going through some really challenging times at the moment - I really feel for you both. You sound like a great partner - very understanding, kind and concerned. 

Your partner's feelings of abandonment make complete sense - particularly after she was abandoned by her mother at 14. That must of been really difficult for her to go through. I'm guessing a lot of those original feelings that your partner had when her mother left have all come back now that her father has asked you both to move out. That can't be easy for her or you.

Do you have someone you can lean on outside this situation that you can talk to in a safe way such as a family member, friend or GP? I'm just worried that while you are being strong and supportive for you partner you may be feeling a little depleted yourself? As someone that has been a support carer for a family member with a serious mental health issue for many years I understand the rollercoaster ride you may be on and while you really want to help you partner, you also should consider the need to care for yourself.

I have tagged in some of our amazing community guides at the bottom of this post. Hopefully they can offer some advice, support, words of wisdom etc.

Wishing all the best,

FloatingFeather

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[granny9]

I am sorry @Mylesh for your difficult situation. I feel your pain and wanted to acknowledge you even though I am sort of asking the same questions as you. I suppose, at the end of the day we have to say, I did all I could to help and be satisfied with that. Cold comfort really. All the best and I hope some wise person who has come through this and is on the other side can help. 

[Mylesh]

@FloatingFeather Yeah my heart aches for her watching her go through constant rejection, the smile on her face when she comes home and tells me she found a new friend today all for it to end within a few weeks as the characteristics of her disorder are quite confronting and unfortunately it causes a lot of people to withdraw, the same thing happened with my family as they saw the negative qualities of the disorder such as the anger outbursts and episodes of self harm lead to them rejecting her aswell and because I had little knowledge of bpd I didn’t know what words to use to explain to them her behaviour, the constant phone calls and text messages from them asking to come back and live with the family so I can support them as I was in their words the support Pilar for them too, the guilt tripping led me to create some healthy space for myself so I have cut communication until we see a family therapist because i just couldn’t handle the stress they were putting me under to leave the relationship and come back to them, so my support relies on my therapist and forums like these which I’m so grateful they exist, Im trying the best I can to stay positive and look out for myself and my partner too, it’s just hard because the self harm and attempts of suicide are at a peak at the moment and I feel lost because I don’t know how to help or what to say

[Mylesh]

Thanks @granny9 yeah it’s hard sometimes and like you said you just have to keep soldiering on so I’m gonna do the same 🙂

[Former-Member]

heya @Mylesh, thank you so much for sharing so much of your own and your partners story. I can hear the deep love and empathy you have for them. They're very lucky ❤️ 

But I'm glad you're also planning for your own mental health, it's so important. And having some boundaries is really great. I'll share some links below to some of the threads in this. forum which might be useful for you. 

With your partners SH and suicide behaviour, does she have a safeplan? I've found it to be empowering for myself and for some people I support because it kinda shows us the tools we already have to support ourselves. This BeyondBlue website is really useful and they also have an app you can download. It creates a step by step plan for when urges strike

I'm also really glad you have a therapist of your own, that is such an important resource. I thought I'd share some more just in case

• In between therapy, you could always call the SANE drop-in line for counselling if you can't get into a session
• Daily Check In Space is a space for carers to share how they are each day
• This link is a search of all our BPD posts in the carers forum which you might find useful
• And this link is all about caring for a partner

I know our Community Guides will have a lot of wisdom to share too ❤️ 

Welcome again,

TuxedoCat

[Former-Member]

I also thought I'd share this special big, group chat where some carers discussed being a carer of someone with BPD. Click here to have a look through Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

❤️ 

[Mylesh]

Thanks for taking the time to reply @Former-Member! 

no she does not but perhaps I could bring it up in discussion, could you possibly explain a little more about it? 

I am worried that things don’t work in the moment, we’ve tried a few different methods for when she enters into an episode but it seems to go out the window, the only thing that seems to regulate her and calm her down is self harm, I have previously tried what my psych called “containing” where I kind of bear hug here and keep her in my arms and hold her tight so she can’t harm herself but I was getting harmed in the process and I couldn’t keep doing it, she would bite me and head butt me to the point where I have to let her go and then she would self harm and slowly start to come back to reality 

I’ve removed the objects but she always seems to have one hidden somewhere, and also if she can’t find one she will find other ways. 

[Mylesh]

Thanks @Paperdaisy  appreciate it 🙂

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Mylesh 

Just dropping by to let you know I've sent you an email so please look out for that, and I wanted to share this self-harm resource with you, in case there is anything of use. 

Sending strength 💛