Organising a family meeting with a professional

[Chanel23]

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. My siblings and I are really struggling at the moment. Our Mum has had mental health issues for as long as I can remember but she does not acknowledge this. Our Dad passed away 2 years ago and her mental health has significantly declined. She lashes out at us constantly and we feel like we are always letting her down even though we are there for her. She has pushed all of her friends and family away so we are everything to her and there is a lot of pressure. We have tried to get her to see someone but she just says she doesn’t need to as it is just grief (which it is not). I think it would be beneficial to have a family meeting with a third party there to help us. Is this a thing? Can anyone point me in the right direction as I don’t know where to start? I don’t want to ambush Mum so will need help getting her onboard with this plan. Thanks in advance everyone. I feel so broken and worn down at the moment 😔

[tyme]

Thanks so tough @Chanel23 . I can see she doesn't acknowledge there is anything more than grief - right? If so, it may be the grief you need to work with. I feel that an external person coming in may cause her to feel 'targeted'? (Unless she is asking for this meeting. Does she want it?)

You own mental health and wellbeing is most important. This is something you CAN work with, whereas if your mum is not willing, there is little you can do except to set boundaries to protect yourself. 

Does she acknowledge she is experiencing grief? If so, encourage her to find external supports to work through this grief. There is no set timeline for grief. For some, it may go on for years.

All the best.

[Chanel23]

Thank you for your response @tyme.

Yes you are correct. Mum doesn’t acknowledge there is anything more than grief. I agree that she needs to see someone to deal with her grief but she is not open to this. It is possibly her generation as she seems to think therapy is only for “crazy people” (her words). She knows I go to therapy so this is obviously

hurtful. She also needs to discuss other things with a therapist as she constantly brings up things from the past (people abandoning her, people not looking after her, people holding her back etc.). 

I am also concerned that an external person coming in may cause her to feel targeted which is why I want her to agree to this but I don’t even know how to raise this with her. Is there someone I can talk to for some guidance before I propose this?

Thank you again for your support. I know I need to set boundaries and I have been seeing a therapist to help me. I’m just really struggling to let some things go. I love my Mum and I hate seeing her like this but I don’t know how to help her. I feel like I have lost my Mum.

[tyme]

I hear you @Chanel23 . It is certainly difficult with some of the older generation who hold that idea of therapy is for 'crazy people'.

Sometimes, what I've found is that I ask the person, "Are you happy with how things are? If not, what does support look like for you?"

Also, using "I" statements can be helpful e.g.  "I love you so much and I care. At the same time, it is so hard to see you the way you are. I want to help you".

This opens the door for her to talk to you rather than it being enforced. 

For you, if things get very difficult, this is where you maintain your boundaries. This doesn't mean you don't love her, but you need to protect yourself. For example, in my own experience, when someone is firing away at me, I just walk away. But I let them know "What you are saying is hurting me. I'm going to walk away and when you are ready, you can reach out to me. Otherwise, I'll check-in with you tomorrow".

And that's it. What i've found is if either or both sides are heightened, the conversation becomes one emotional blowup.

I'd encourage you to continue practicing self care, and leave doors open for your mum to manage her 'grief'. If your mum sees it as grief, that's actually a good start, because grief is REAL. Let her know it is real, and that's why there are national services funded to support those experiencing grief. Feel free to have a look at : https://griefline.org.au/

You and I may know it's more than grief, but if that's what she acknowledges her issues to be, then run with it?

All the best @Chanel23 . It's a slow process. But I look forward to hearing how things go for you.

You are not alone.

[Chanel23]

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me @tyme. I really appreciate your support and valuable advice.