New BPD diagnosis

[Charlie16]

Hi everyone, I am new the group but already finding if helpful and reassuring to read some of your posts. We have had 3 years of hell and today my daughter was diagnosed with BPD. She has always been a little manipulative and behaviour became increasingly challenging from approx. 13yrs of age, but otherwise a relatively normal childhood. Although she did experience some bullying in primary school and then a sexual assault at 15yr. Addiction to marijuana followed, dropping out of school, unable to hold down a job. Following a relationship breakup and suicidal ideation, managed to get her to a psychiatrist. Initially diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, secondary depression, traits of OCD and bordering on anorexia. Started some medication which did help, but also at this time, she found a new boyfriend and moved out with him. The boyfriend has significant mental health issues and just out of rehab, but still doing drugs... not a stable environment for her but he is 'the only person that really knows her'! We put up with years of abuse, verbal and physical, especially towards her siblings. Enough was enough. The last 8mths of not having her at home has actually been so good – not walking on egg shells. Anyway, in recent weeks, she has worried with both suicidal ideation and talk of wanting to harm others. She is also experiencing some memories or visions of her childhood, where she declares that she was sexually assaulted by a girlfriend, but i don't know what to believe. She has stated that she is not safe to be alone or around anyone else. Today back to the psychiatrist and a new diagnosis and new meds to start. What is interesting is that she has turned it all around on me... traumatising childhood and saying that I had abandoned her. It is so hurtful. I have done everything in my power to keep her afloat the last 3 years. I have feared for our safety. She has stolen thousands of dollars from us. I can't do it anymore so have been trying to create new boundaries... no more money, although still get requests to cover her meds, but she manages to find money for other drugs. My other 2 children have not had contact since January and refuse to have anything to do with her. So, whilst I want to have her home to support her, a stable environment, I can't risk losing my other children, both 16yrs old and in year 11. I can't put us at risk of her abuse but then the guilt starts. She is so angry at me now. She said to me 'if you can't tolerate me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best'. There is no acknowledgement of the pain that we have all been through, but perhaps that is too much to ask. I don't know what else I can do and can see from posts that this is likely something we will have to learn to live with... I just don't feel that I have the energy... it is all consuming. But if she doesn’t get better, I fear she will end up dead or in jail after hurting someone else.

[Determined]

Hi @Charlie16 and welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure what to say as I am in a bit of a hole myself at the moment but wanted you to know you have been heard.

I support my wife who lives with BPD so understand in some way the manipulative behaviour. My wife (AKA my Darling) was also initially diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder shortly after we were married (over 19 years ago now) and BPD after the birth of our first child ~13 years ago.  Darlings parents have been a huge support for us and for me and the children. 

Do you have any support for yourself? 

This is something I refused for myself until recently and I regret that for many reasons. It is essential to have someone not emotionally attached to be able to talk things through with.  You will also find everyone here most supportive. I will tag you in some of our social threads. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Charlie16,

Welcome to the SANE Forums! There are so many wonderful and supportive people here on the Forums who can personally relate to what you are going through (as @Determined highlighted). Talking to such people can remind us that we are not alone in our journey. 

I'm sorry that you have not received many replies on this post. Hopefully, after browsing some of the other threads you mentioned, you were able to introduce yourself and seek support. If you have not commented on other threads, you may want to get to know other people with lived experience of mental illness in the "Introduce yourself here" thread, or other carers in the "Hot Chocolate Anyone" thread.

As you have reflected, being a parent to someone struggling with mental illness (in this case, Borderline Personality Disorder) is incredibly tough! I can imagine you are torn with worrying for your daughter's well-being and safety, but then on the other hand feeling so hurt in response to your daughter accusing you of abandoning her, along with her resistance to take responsibility for the years of abusive behaviour she has inflicted upon your family. The fact that you have two younger children that you are trying to protect at the same time only adds to the complexity of this situation. As you have mentioned, being keenly aware of your boundaries (e.g., when you can or can't help; and/or what you will or won't tolerate) can be incredibly helpful. However, if you do ever feel your daughter is an immediate risk to herself or others, I encourage you to call Emergency Services or the Crisis Assessment Team - in such situations, it is often too hard to deal with the situation alone!

Take care of yourself and please reach out in the Forums, if you need!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Charlie16]

Thank you. Currently establishing a support network and will just take one day at a time. I appreciate you sharing and I will check out the other stories. 

[Charlie16]

Thank you so much @Former-Member and @Determined. It does help to share and know I am not alone. 

[Jane5]

Hi @Charlie16 i just want you to know that you are not alone in having an adult daughter with BPD. I too have a daughter who's 27 with BPD who also has 3 little boys and Is currently single again. My hubby and I are struggling to cope with the years of demands her illness has made on our lives and her disrespectful behaviour toward us. At the moment she's declared we have cut her out of our lives and we can't see our grandkids after I tried (unsuccessfully) to explain that dad and I are not coping at the moment and need a break from being there for her. I've since realised that she has perceived this as abandonment which is not true but in her mind that's what it is. I'm now waiting to see a psychologist for myself to learn some better strategies and conversations to be able to get my point across without the hysterical anger from her. We are sincerely hoping with some help we can have a better relationship with our daughter. Good luck with your own journey as well.

[Charlie16]

Thanks so much @Jane5. It must be more challenging with grandchildren involved. It is so difficult... trying so hard to be supportive, but when she turns and gets aggressive causing more distress, I can't help but think some times this is all too hard. But I can't abandon her... and now realise that is her greatest fear. I am trying to factor in time out and see myself creating a little emotional distance as a means of self preservation. I too am booked in to see someone next week, so hoping that will provide me some useful strategies to help improve communciation. Take care and keep in touch.

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs @Charlie16 , @Jane5 

how are you today and your family