Loss of spouse

[KeepDancing]

I haven't reached out on this forum for a long while.  But, right now I am feeling lost and am trying to piece myself back together.

My husband of 14 yrs, partner of 16 yrs, passed away due to alcholism on Good Friday.  He had been suffering from severe depression, suicidal thoughts and alcoholism for the past 10yrs.  I had reached my limit late last year.  I found myself at a cross roads, I had to choose to him or me.  I chose me for myself, and for my 2 sons.  In February we moved out.  At first my husband was dealing with it all really well, however he fell into one of his depressive cycles with exessive drinking.  And I wasnt there in time to call an ambulance for help this time.

I am grateful that I moved out, for one of the main things for me was to protect my children from finding my husband like I did.  So I am glad that I followed my gut and kept them away from the house that week, and even that day.

Nearly 7 weeks have passed and I am a walking robot.  I am so numb from it all, and from way before his passing.  I have walls so thick around myself for protection, that I dont even have control anymore.  Its scary and I hate it.  Its been a crazy 7 months of closing my husbands business and mvoing back into the family home.  I have had great support, whish I am grateful for.  And my two sons, seem to be going well.  Like me, they knew if he continued to drink it was inevitable that this might happen.  It doesnt make it easier, but its less of a shock.

Anyway, I dont really know how I feel about anything.  I just wanted to reach out.  I guess hoping someone might have been where I am, and have some words of wisdom?

Thanks in advance and I hope you are all taking care of yourselves on your journeys. xo

[lola]

Hi Keep Dancing!
Lola here, one of the moderators.
Sounds like you have through not only a tough 7 months but quite a while before that. And it has all taken a toll on you.
You have demonstrated incredible resilience.
Good that you have reached for support on the forums...there is a lot of wisdom here!
take care
lola

[Former-Member]

Hey @KeepDancing
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I think this is something many of us on the forum fear for the ones we love. Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself time to grieve.

I have not been there but you might find some help and support here from others who have :

http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/what-to-
do/information-for-friends-and-family

[Zahlia]

Hi @KeepDancing

It is understandable you feel the way you do, numb and lost. It is such a huge thing to go through with a partner, having to support them and then one day having to choose between them and your family. I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling 7 weeks on. 

I know @Former-Member also has a partner with an alcohol problem, mabye they can contribute?

Take care of yourself KeepDancing 

Zahlia

[Former-Member]

I am so very sorry for all that you have gone through @KeepDancing.  I note that @Zahlia has tagged me to this thread because I too have a husband who is an alcoholic and suffers from depression.

Yes I know how hard that would have been for you over a long period of time, and I totally understand and respect your decision to move out in order to protect yourself and your children.  That should always be your priority, and you definitely did the right thing there.

Unlike you, I do not have children at home, so I remain by my husbands side.  I feel a duty of care to my husband whom I still love, despite the abuse I regularly receive from him.  I am his official carer and he has a number of physical issues along with the mental and alcohol ones.

You may be experiencing some feelings of unwarranted guilt, because you chose not to be there for him. Would that be fair to say?  Guilt attacks our mind, robs us of joy, and stays within our heart and mind every minute of the day thus holding you hostage.  Please allow yourself to recognise that you did nothing wrong, that there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.  Treat yourself with respect and forgiveness and know that you are a good person who did all you could for your husband for as long as you possibly could. 

You are grieving KeepDancing, and you need to allow yourself to do that.  You have lost a partner, your children's Dad, someone you loved.  It will take time to recover, and there is no time limit.  7 weeks really is not that long.  You need to be patient and kind to yourself.  Its great that you have some solid support around you.  You may find it helpful to talk to a close friend or family member about just how you are feeling.

Sherry 

[KeepDancing]

Thanks everyone. Sherry, Iam sure there is guilt floating around my subconscious somewhere. But Iam at peace with myself. I know I gave my all. It took me a long time to let go of the guilt and detach from my husband. Iam a carer by nature and always give my everything. I never give up. I fought within myself for a long time about 'giving up' and the guilt. But I did eventually realise, that I was not so much giving up on my husband. But accepting what was. And deciding from their what my path would be. I had no more to give. I spent 10yrs trying desperately to get my husband to accept the professional help he was offered , but unfortunately he was too lost in his inner torment that he could not see his way out. I know there were times he tried. But I could no longer sit by and watch him destroy himself. Nor could I continue to put my boys through that. However, it is the long hard journey of trying to support my husband that has left me trapped behind my own protective walls. Iam grateful for these walls in many ways, as they have allowed me to keep functioning and get on with daily life and protect my children during crisis times. My walls give me a strength to carry on during almost anything. Iam grateful. But I am also trapped. I am numb. I feel like a walking robot stuck in, get through life mode. Survival mode. Its this I now hate. I want to grieve. I want to maybe even not cope for once! I want to feel again. To feel joy and love and happiness . I want to share my boys lives as a whole mum. Not a robot who can put on a smile, say the right things, have everything under control, but doesnt feel the warmth of your hugs. 😢 Sorry for the out poor. Im just so tired of being strong. I want to somehow just be a mushy mess like everyone else.