Is it abuse?

[Anon24]

Hi, I am 21 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. From the beginning I have always been aware of his struggle with mental health. 

Over the past year I have seen him have a number of ups and downs - he has been in and out of work and he has often drunk heavily or taken drugs as a 'coping mechanism'. This concocion of things has led him to steal from me, lie to me and go out all day and night where I would not hear from him for a day or two - even if we had plans.

He has days which are really good and days which are really bad, to the point where he is threatening suicide. He has days where he is also angry beyond control. It is almost as if he 'boils over' and a burst of emotion escapes him - where he will call me every nasty name under the sun (despite him knowing that I hate the words and him doing it) and on a few occassions, he has been physically violent towards me.

I also find that sometimes he can be very indecisive. He will tell me that he doesn't love me, that he hates me, he doesn't want to look at me or touch me. I will leave because of this, as I feel as though I know he doesn't mean it, but giving him time to cool down will help. If I do this, he will insist I come back and continue to call me nasty names because I have began to leave the area. 

This isn't every detail; and I am sure I have left out many aspects to the relationship. But I am at a loss. Often after these spates of anger; he will cry and tell me that he is sorry and knows that the way he treats me is wrong - but that his metnal health issues are the route of the problems and that he can't help it and that counselling will help (he is currently on the waiting list). 

I know he loves me and I know that he tries so so hard to support us and to make a future for us. 

Is this abuse? Am I being dramatic and not supportive enough? I need advice. I am so lost. I feel like I need someone to tell me it's okay - but even then, he tells me that it isn't anyone else's business. Help.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Anon24

I am afraid I cannot tell you it is okay; violence is not okay, stealing is not ok. It is abuse.

However, supporting loved ones is okay. Here is a link for some services that may be of help to you:

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/drug-abuse?gclid=CjwKCAjw9qfZBRA5EiwAiq0AbTUlPresE91mJbxhB3Yqx7PdVcb...

[girl99]

Hi @Anon24

If someone is calling you names and physicallly hurting you, it does sound like abuse.  You deserve to be in a nice relationship with someone who respects you and is kind to you.  Maybe it might help you to talk to a counsellor?  From what you wrote it sounds like this man has a lot of problems of his own and he is trying to make them become your problems.  He does sound quite out of control and people like that usually do not get better on their own. Things are unfortunately not likely to improve and might even get worse.

Is there a reason why you stay with him?  Are you scared to leave him?  

Do you have any good friends or family that you can talk to who might be able to help you?  Hope you are okay.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Anon24

It sounds like a difficult situation you have found yourself in. It can be so difficult at times to decide what is and isn't acceptable when we love someone; and when mental illness is involved, I think it can blur things further.

It is great that your boyfriend is on a waiting list for counselling and it's great that you are supporting him to get some professional support in place. However, it is not ok for him to be physically violent or verbally abusive, no matter what is going on for him.

Is there anyone you can talk to about what is happening? As @girl99 has suggested, talking to friends and family can be a huge help. You could also give 1800RESPECT a call to talk things through. They are experienced in talking with people experiencing physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

And please keep posting here. There's always someone here to listen 🙂

[eudemonism]

Hi @Anon24 I read your post the other day, and it played on my mind and got my thinking, about things I've experienced or been exposed to, and has brought up some old stuff I've pondered upon and tried to work out.

Resentment is a vicious cycle, if we feel someone has done us wrong, we either do wrong in return, or become submissive to the persons wrong deed and try to make it up to them. (no one wants, needs or should have to accept the wrong deed - this is instinct) which was committed because they felt wrongly done bye, which jeopardized their perceived authority and superiority and desire to be in control and in charge (of another and in an attempt to feel strong, superior, in charge - but it's actually th opposite) to fix their internal feelings and thoughts of insecurity and inferiority. As we know this person did us wrong, because of resentment and because they want the power of right and wrong over another individual to fuel their inferiority complex... It also fuels drug and alcohol dependency, because if unaware the cycle of resentment goes on for years.

Forgiveness fixes resentment, but it does not mean you continue to forgive someone who is stuck in their own cycle of resentment, and continually upsetting you, which maybe caused bye past experiences. And with resentment and someone doing you wrong, it also comes with the feeling of having to make it up to the individual, and having a be submissive and make it up to them, as you don't want any more wrong happening to you, so essentially they get their way through manipulation, and then when you're trying to make it up to them, they're rewarding you and encouraging that behaviour, because it fuels their control over another individual. And the superiority that comes with that. But deep down in the unconscious the one being wronged at th time (in the heat of the moment) will know that it's wrong no matter what they do. Wrong for wrong. Fuelling the cycle. Or be wronged and try to make it up to them. Both are toxic. Where as if you're forgiving, you're also allowing yourself to move on, to learn and to not let it happen again,tp back away from the cycle and do what's best for you. Getting lured back in is a classic...

People's personalities can't be changed once their fully grown adults. And negative patterns like this can develop and take hold, and causes of problems later on in life. It's that common and profound. I almost think it's more normal then not. Because the guy you feel like you owe nothing. The guy you feel like you have to do no wrong to. And need not right anything with. He's the good guy. - Not the bad guy, you feel like you need to do wrong too. Or to make things up with. And be worried about when the next wrong will take place. And yea, they'll try and make it so you have no confidence, so you can't be independent, so you can't move on and all this other stuff.

I hope this has helped. Sorry for rambling. Take it with a pinch of salt. Just talking from my experience. I hope it all makes sense. Eude.