I think I might be done

[SJT63]

@AussieRecharger 

Each morning I can tell by the shape of his face and the look in his eyes if he is there or not and, if not,  later his body language may change to signal he's coming back. That is when I feel the most pressure not to accidentally fire things up again.

He is here when he has the strength to quieten his racing thoughts and live in the moment with me, when he can put all the endless, countless worries and past grievances behind him for a short time. He is always anxious, it's just a matter of  how he deals with it. He always feels free to be himself with me, which is why I cop such a barrage when he is upset. I am his safe place.

Sometimes he leaves me gradually so I can steel myself, like when we approach one of the many "anniversiaries of bad things" that he observes,  but mostly leaving is instanteous as a result of a phone call, or a news article, or something out of place, misplacing an item, plans changing.... any of his triggers.

Sometimes he's gone for an hour or so, then he will approach me for a hug or something to reassure himself I'm still on his side.

Sometimes he's gone for months, as you've read in previous posts. When he comes back after such long  times no, I don't see it coming, it's like a breath of fresh air and we both weep in each others' arms in shear relief. When he's been gone for months he doesn't stay long the first time, but becomes "himself" incrementally in short bursts until he's been there a whole day, then maybe two.... and then we reach our version of normal. When he's been gone for months its usually only short circuited by me doing something dramatic, like moving out for a few days.

I leave when I become too frightened of his anger, which then causes a deep depression and it's from the depression that he will gradually emerge.

The longest he's ever stayed "normal" at a stretch is 11 days. I used to keep a spreadsheet but I don't any more. I made daily entries for 609 days and he lost his temper with me on 384 of them. He is lucky that on the other 225 he made me laugh.

[Former-Member]

Hey @SJT63, I hope you're well today 💗

It was concerning when I read that he lost his temper with you 63% of the days for those 1.5 years or so you were keeping records! That mustn't have felt good to be on the receiving end of that. That kind of frequency is more than anyone deserves to have to deal with, especially over such a long period of time

I do know you've tried to put firm boundaries in place with his behaviour, and that you have been able to leave for your safety and wellbeing, so I have faith you can continue to do things like that to look after yourself as needed. 

Please take good care in the meantime. Speaking of which, the peer support team at SANE is having a group discussion about self-care in a week, which you might be interested to join (or read the transcripts of afterwards) 

[SJT63]

@Former-Member thank you for your concern. It is getting easier for me as I learn that it's not always me he's angry with in the first place, that it's rarely because I've actually done something a rational person would think was wrong or that I should or can prevent the outbursts.

I'm getting help myself to keep me from taking too much on board and learning to stop trying to placate him all the time.

At this stage I still believe he is worth it x

[Anastasia]

@SJT63 hello...

I have tried to tag you but as I use my phone predominantly it can be difficult...on the computer this morning and here you are.

I think of you often and hope and have sent wishes to the Universe that things are on the improve for you. I wish I could give you a hug and ear but please know I am in your corner if you need either...

Love always me 🙂

[SJT63]

hello @Anastasia  how delightful to hear from you

I'm keeping a lower profile these days, partly because I'm not completely at my wits end right now and partly because I think I've become a bit like the boy who cried wolf.

Relatively calm right now.. both of us... a combination of me not taking the bait so easily and him being floored by my confession that I'm genuinely scared sometimes. I think he is actually trying some the exercises his psychologist gave him instead of paying lip service in the meeting and not bothering afterwards.

I'm also trying hard to remember that he doesn't recognise any tacit clues to my mood that I might be displaying and articulating my feelings in a much more literal way. The only thing I'm still not game enough to do is turn him down when he wants an "early night", which is most nights, but he's doing much better at not losing his temper with me if his wheels fall off.

I have a wedding booked for a fortnight's time (well, booked a month ago) so I'm getting a bit excited about that.

Hope you are finally over that lurgy and your life is quiet.

xoxo

[Anastasia]

Forget about the wolf @SJT63, always here for you as are others.

Well meaning advice can sometimes be a trigger, I get that, enough said xox

Sooooo, a wedding, how exciting S, a chance to put make up on and dress up...enjoy lovely. You deserve something to look forward to.

Im okish - lurgy has gone but my health is still pretty sh*t. So much stress, and I am noticing signs that concern me. Not much I can do other than push on in the hope some light eventually shows at the other end *sigh 

[AussieRecharger]

@SJT63 

A wedding, how exciting.  Is Mr S on the invite?  Are you shopping for a new dress? Time for New Jewerlly?  A chance to dress up Mr S in a tux?

[SJT63]

@AussieRecharger I'm a celebrant. I will be up the front saying the posh words and I don't go to the after party. I have a few nice "wedding frocks" that I've made specifically for the job, as my regular clothes are too loud. It is the only time I wear makeup or I look about 600 years old and deathly ill in the photos.

I'm lucky if I can get Mr S to shower and change his undies so a suit is well out of the question. No, he doesn't come with me, I'm my own roadie.

That being said, he did wash and put on clean clothes to go see his mum yesterday.

[AussieRecharger]

Sounds like he had a good day yesterday then.  Did you?

What is he thinking about when he wakes up and does not want to change his undies? 

How does he go when you sit down and watch something like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuyGMVYzQyI

Or does that just lead to a trigger?  How does he learn, is he visual, like working with his hands or does he learn multitasking such as listening to music and working with his hands?

[SJT63]

@AussieRecharger 

No I had a terrible day the day I took him to his mums. He woke me at 4am to begin a rant about something that happened at his own place a year ago. He decided we should call in there on our way to mum's and wake up the chairman (body corp) and video the altercation. Because I said I didn't want to do that he threatened me but I refused to budge and guess what? He didn't walk out on me! I said I'd wait in the car, but I wouldn't involve myself.

By 7am he was exhausted from his explosions and went back to bed. We supposed to leave at 7:30 but he had gone into what I call "limp toddler" mode so I finally got him clean and dressed and we got on the road an hour late.

2.5 hours drive there (oh, and I had to provide the food as well) and 3.5 hour drive back (worse traffic) and then in his sights in the evening because I was too tired to "make love" with any real enthusiasm.

But that was only one day. Monday was quite good, Tuesday not bad, today not so good as I've had him on the phone, but may be ok when I get home as  his boys are coming for dinner.

He has no trouble showering and changing his undies if he has to go out, its just that he doesn't go out much. I am no longer offered the same courtesy, although when I first met him he was always clean.

He will work between the garden and his modelling workshop all day and sleep beside me in the same gardening clothes.. for days at a time... and wonder why I don't want to cuddle. A heady mix of aromas; blood and bone, paint thinners and stale sweat. At least he takes his wellies off.

It's not about depression, it's about unnecessary effort. He doesn't bathe in the mornings because the minute his eyes open he's off and running (or running at the mouth) and what's the point of washing if you're about to go and get dirty?

In the evenings he finishes up quite late and well, what's the point if he's only going to get up and do it all again tomorrow? He will wash if I ask him to, but I have to let it go quite a few days before I can ask without him getting offended.

No way on god's green earth would I show him your video, he thinks all things like that are a total

w*&()nk. In any case he has the life he wants. He plays in his vege garden or his modelling room all day and someome else takes care of everything else.

FYI we are both multi-taskers. He blares out prog-rock all day (aweful stuff like King Crimson) while he works. I listen to podcasts or audiobooks while I do everything else, and if I sit and try to watch tv in the evening (sound down, captions on in case I disturb him) I still have to be playing a game on my phone or something or I can't follow the tv show.. too many thoughts!