I'm not sure what to do? - partner with bpd/adhd

[Benji-blue]

I am very new to this so bear with me.

I have been on and off with the same partner for almost 4 years now. He was diagnosed with bpd & adhd last year and Im pretty sure he has some narcissistic traits.

Our relationship has had alot of ups and downs, with him running back to his ex, as he can go onto "auto pilot and emotional lockdown", were with me I let him think for himself and he can make his own decisions, so his head freaks out.(his words)

A couple of hurdles we have are:

 that I have co-dependency issues with him as need/seek his approval, but he has alot more with his ex.  

He is still being controled and dictated to by his ex/kids but on the other hand he controlls and dictates me - but has never laid a hand on me.

His cycles are rapidly changing closer and closer together. I am always the one in the firing line. With him saying very cold hearted hurtful things, not contacting me or seeing me for periods of time.

His sex drive with me is usually non exsistent, I have had him say that he went and sleep with his ex to "punish himself" to put himself into "lockdown" and only slept with me (maybe once month if that) becasue he was "expected too". I am a very physical person and am finding this very hard. 

He has been repeatedly told by "family" members that he shouldnt be seeing me, we shouldnt betogether etc..We live in seperate houses and we both have our older kids living with us.  

He said that his head keeps saying that he shouldnt be with me, he shouldnt be talking to me, I shouldnt be in heart but I am.

He doesnt know what true emotions are.... and cant understand why I need a hug, why I like holding his hand

I love him but I just dont know where to turn from here? He has done 1 lot of DBT therapy and I am hoping that he will do it again but where do I get help? 

Please help =(

[Eagle]

Hi @Benji-blue 

Welcome to the Forums!

It must be a horrible feeling to be so up & down. To constantly be in the firing line must be so hurtful and exhausting. To be blunt, the way you're being treated is not okay.

You have highlighted your hurdles - it's great the you are so aware of what's not going well in the relationship. I find that this is half the battle for some people.

For someone you love so much, he seems to cause you so much pain. Regardless of whether someone has a mental illness or not, there's no reason why you should put up with someone constantly making you feel the way he does.

While I'm sure you have heard that you should leave him before, it seems like you don't find this an option? Would that be correct?

Have you thought about relationship counselling? Most psychologists and counsellors offer couples counselling. Relationships Australia is a good organisation to check out too.

If he is not willing to go to couples counselling, I strongly suggest you still go ahead and see a professional yourself and talk to them about your co-dependency.

It's really not fair to go through all of this by yourself. Please keep using these forums to stay connected. Do you have any family or friends who you could connect with also?

[pan]

in reading your story i identified with your situation.

i too am in relationship for about 2 years with a partner who is inconsistent, and i am never really sure what is going on with her.  she has negative criticisms and patterns of thought, particularly about her family.  she is unpredicatble in her bahviours and lately i have banished her from my bed because she would come in at 3 am drunk.  (and vomitting on occasion).  i asked her to leave my bed because it was affecting me negatively, but that means no more sex, and i miss her, the cuddles and warmth....you see i have strong feelings for her... and yet she tells me not to have them.

what i am working on is where she begins and i end, and getting clear that although she has problems (in my opinion) with alcohol, and overeating and sleeping irregularities, it is not my job to fix them.  i know that she has these problems not because i started them, and it is unrealistic of me to expect that i might be able to fix them, or her.

i am working on being clear in my mind that it is my responsibility to do something when her behavior and words affect my peace of mind, and it is also my responsibility to let go of those things that are not affecting me.  they may need correcting but if they are not affecting me then it is not my job to fix them.

here are some questions that i have asked of myself in relation to her:

do we still spend time together happy in each others company?

are we planning a future for ourselves together? (whether or not it happens)

can i imagine a life without this person, that i will be happy in? if not why not?

is this circumstance just a temporary hold up, or do i suspect that it will be ongoing?

i tell myself that if i am still debating in my mind if i want to end the relationship, or to work towards keeping it going, then i will err on the side of keeping it going, but if there comes a time when if i am truely honest with myself and know that the relationship is over, then i will have to ask for courage to end it and wear the pain.

i comfort myself by saying that nothing remains the same.

i have only real power over myself and my attitudes and reactions.

pan

[CherryBomb]

Hi @pan, @Benji-blue and @Eagle 

I love the questions that you ask yourself @pan. I think they're useful for most people who are in a relationship.

I have also found it useful to ask myself:  what is it that I need in a relationship?  Do I have it? Is it possible to work towards it - are both parties will to own their part?

There's this interesting read about 10 characteristics of succesful relationship. In reflecting on the happy and succesful relationship that i know in my life, I have to say, I reckon they have these traits. So I think it's something to work towards.

You might find this discussion helpful, 'why to do stay?' started by @Cazzie , who wrote about some of the difficulties she was facing in standing by her husband, and the judgements she faced from other people. It's a tough and confronting question, but I think in someways it can be helpful to clarify feelings. What are your thoughts?

[Paris]

Wow I'm in the same position for the last 10 years with my BP2 husband and I'm sorry but it gets worse, not better. It started out as a narcistic act of withholding sex to punish me and ended up going on and on. He refuses to talk about it to me let alone a councillor so take my advice and leave sooner rather than later because you will get nothing out of this type of relationship.

[NikNik]

Sorry to hear about your experience @Paris

Are you still in the relationship? Are you finding ways to take care of yourself?

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi thanks for sharing, I could really hear your pain and lonelyness in your story but I imagine there must be a lot of love as well otherwise you would not be reaching out for help. Relationships Australia will be helpful but I also suggest doing some mental illness educational program, like Wellways or Remind. You can google this for the area you live in. These programs are great and really help understand the illness and support your relationship. I teach both in the NT and have seen a lot of sucess. Good luck and stay strong.