I don't know what to do any more and I need help.

[OtisB]

My girlfriend struggles with severe mental illness: she has been diagnosed with autism, BPD,. ADHD, and schizoaffective disorder.

We have been together for eight years, and while there have always been difficulties, over the last year something has changed drastically. 

Whereas mental illness used to be something that affected her, I feel like her mental illness is now in the driver's seat. Her toxic BPD thoughts aren't something which she struggles with anymore, they constitute the totality of her worldview and outlook. She no longer has any capacity or will to challenge her negative thoughts and instincts and they control her absolutely.

She talks about suicide constantly. Every day she says, "I should ---- myself," and - defiantly, almost angrily - "I'm going to - myself." She says this hundreds of times every day. I feel like I can no longer reach the sane, right-thinking person beneath the illness, and she is totally subsumed in negativity, self-hatred, and an at times outright psychotic suicidal ideation.

I have no idea what to do anymore. No matter how bad things have got in the past, I have never lost my belief that we could get through anything and that we would ultimately be okay. But at this point, I am almost completely hopeless and increasingly certain that I am stuck watching my best friend die and there is nothing I can do that will make any difference.

Please tell me what I'm supposed to do. Who am I supposed to contact? Does support for people in this position even exist?

[Former-Member]

Hey @OtisB, welcome to the forums. I hope we can give you some support from our special community at this, what sounds like, a really, really scary time ❤️ 

I'm going to send you an email because I'm a little worried about you, and then I'm going to respond to your post with some information and tag a few of our other member who can share their experiences.

Big love and well done on reaching out, 

TuxedoCat

[Former-Member]

Heya @OtisB, firstly, you are holding so much. I can tell from your post how much love you have for your partner. It sounds like you have been through so much together, but this recent change as left you a little bit loss. And it is so understandable that you don't have an idea about what to do. I hope we can help you find some next steps for you and your partner. 

Can I ask what support you both currently have or use? Firstly, for your own mental health but also your partner. It might help us find others for you.

Here some members who might have some wisdom to share: @Determined @Mylesh @Krishna 

I thought I would dot-point a few things for you to read or think about

• Services you can call
  • Each state usually has a "Mental Health Triage" line you can call to find other services (it's really helpful!)
  • BeyondBlue has great info on suicide prevention and service. You can call or even use the chat function on their website. Click here to get the info
• Where you could go
  • If things get really difficult, you could talk to your partner about having a stay in a mental health ward. This can be really scary, but can be a good circuit breaker sometimes. 
• A recent post on caring for a partner with BPD and their SI
• This link is a search of all our BPD posts in the carers forum which you might find useful
• And this link is all about caring for a partner

Let me know if any of this is useful. I know some of members will be able to give some great info and general support for you ❤️ 

Sitting with you,

TuxedoCat

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @OtisB 

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot and my heart goes out to you. 

I know you have named a few different diagnosis there but I'm getting a strong sense you feel it's the BPD taking over, am I interpreting that correctly? I don't know if this is helpful but there's the BPD foundation with lots of useful information. 

There's also this thread that has links and resources in relation to schizophrenia.

It might be worth calling CATT- refer to the website here for your state. 

There's also some crisis support numbers here. 

I wish there was more I could say, I'm getting the sense of helplessness you feel and I'm hearing how distressed you are. Your partner is really lucky to have you, but remember to look after yourself too.