Hi! New and looking for support

[Shasan]

Hi everyone, so glad I found this forum. My mum is showing symptoms of a schizophrenia relapse and I'm far away from her to actually take care of her. She lives in another country with my dad (separated but live in same home) and my elder brother (detached and not too bothered about her). I've recently come to terms with managing my hypervigilence around her behaviour, used to be on the edge to guess and red flag when I saw changes but my dad and brother didn't take me very seriously and now it's led to a relapse. I feel incredibly sad even though I never felt connected to her as a mother & child. Her behaviours were undiagnosed for most of my childhood and college years and I took on primary caregiving for her when I was 21. When she was finally diagnosed, the doctor told me I need to be her mom now that led to massive feeling of responsibility. 

She's doing much better than last time, she went to the doctor without hesitation but isn't taking her meds, she did take her shot though so I'm hopeful it'll kick in soon. She's being delusional and heard my voice tell her I'll send her money and has been asking me all day when I'll send it because she wants to buy a house that's available next door. She's calling random family members asking them to come stay in the empty apartment next door. Repeating that her brother is visiting her soon. She's on sleeping pills but doesn't want to take the morning dose because the doctor hasn't told her about the condition, said it's a treatment for her insomnia. 

It's triggering a lot of childhood trauma memories, the phobias I've absorbed from her, the delusions that I had to pretend were real and go along so as to not spook her, listen to her paranoia about my father trying to poison her food and water. I have a therapist I'm talking to but nothing like receiving some support and validation from anyone that has a similar experience here :((

I hope she feels better soon. I don't know how long she's not been on her meds and how long it'll take to kick in

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @Shasan,
Welcome to the SANE Forums, we are a community with lots of like-minded people here, so I hope you find the support you are looking for.

It's so hard to be that far away from our loved ones when they are going through a relapse, and I am hearing that this situation has also brought up a lot of your past caring responsibilities too. You did so much for your mum at such a young age, and you are right that hearing from others who understand can make such a difference.

As a young person, I was also a carer and had to hold a lot of that responsibility for another person too in my home. In many ways caring can build our strength and resilience, but it can also bring up trauma as you mentioned. I'm hearing you have a professional support network in place which is so important, are there other ways you have also been looking after yourself during this time?

I might tag a few other people who are in caring roles and know what it is like to support a loved one through a relapse, or are supporting a loved one living with a similar diagnosis @Shaz51 @Owlunar @Worriedmum6 @Smc @Joonbug @JennyM

[wellwellwellnez]

Sorry I didn't respond to this sooner @Shasan . Hope things are developing at least with relative wins. Your doctor was only part right. The bigger answer is, that it takes a village. A village each for both of you and your mother. And also your mother is still your mother in her own way, whatever that way may be. (Parents always are, you know?)

I tend to read between the lines of schizophrenic manifestations. What I'm reading from your mother's family member tangents is she's, like you but in her own way, conscious about constructing supports.

I've been a family home carer before. It can be kind of uniquely isolating. Find the village(s) as much as you can.

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @Shasan,

I just thought I would check in to see how you are going this week?
How is your mum this week?

We have been thinking of you, and here if you want to chat

[Shasan]

@Daisydreamer Thank you so much for checking in. I feel very cared for and supported! I can't appreciate this gesture enough 🥰

I've been feeling a little bit better, I've accepted that I'm far away and cannot do much else other than calling and check-in on her daily. My suggestions usually aren't well received by my brother and father so I'm learning to make peace with the fact that they're doing their best, if they run out of ideas they'll ask me themselves. 

When I call to check-in, I find my dad's depression overwhelming to take on or support. It feels hard to tend to my needs with the guilt hanging and the thought that this is the least I can do so I should listen to him anyway and deal with myself later. 

Any tips on how to work with my father will be really helpful. 

I have not called home for a couple of days now as I'm dealing with a few health issues myself. It's definitely a stressful time but I'm glad to have this forum and my meditation practice to fall back on. 

Thanks again. Hope you're doing okay as well... x

[Shasan]

@wellwellwellnez Thank you for your note. I agree, I can see that she's trying to get support because she's afraid and feels safe with her brothers and sisters. 

She's still feeling quite paranoid and delusional. My dad told me she's throwing things away and washing herself regularly because ghosts are in the house 😞 She's not eating anything anyone else has made and she's not on top of making food for herself either. She asked me not to talk much over the phone etc. It's in line with symptoms like someone's watching, listening, out to get them. She's obsessively into religion and God so ghosts seem like the unfortunate opposite extreme. 

The ghost part is very triggering because I was quite young when she used to speak this way and I've absorbed a lot of them as beliefs. I know they're not completely true but also the whole topic of supernatural stuff isn't completely proven false either!! (Haha) So yeah, I feel safe to say this here on this forum that I'm so scared about ghosts, darkness and fear from all the stupid horror movies.

[Shasan]

Thank you so much. Your words are much needed to be heard - for my inner child as well as myself now. It's definitely bringing up old responsibility & childhood trauma. I'm reminding myself that I'm not as alone & destitute now as before. She is not either. She is receiving help, but not the same standards as mine, as I would go over and beyond and relate to her at a very deep child like level.

[Shasan]

Hi @Daisydreamer @wellwellwellnez 

Hope you had a good weekend.

My weekend was ok until I called my family late on Sunday evening. My mom's relapse had gotten so much better last week, she was talking normally and even laughing at my attempts to be humorous, but it's all gone sideways again.

My dad is crippling under pressure and really overwhelmed. He's 82 and can't care for her yet he's trying to do his best. But he is quite controlling and abusive in nature as that's the only way he knows to order/direct mom to listen to him! I feel so sorry for her and sad that she's getting treated badly but I can imagine why my dad's angry and losing it. 

She's being very difficult and maybe throwing her meds. I don't know how much of what my Dad is telling me it's exaggerated and how much is real. 

She took the phone hesitantly to talk to me today and after 2 lines she just hung up. When I called back, I heard her telling my Dad in the background that there are devils on her head and if she speaks to me, they'll also transfer to me 😞 😞 So so incredibly sad and sorry for her and also so touched that she's trying to protect her daughter even when she's in this state!!

The doctor is increasing her meds to a stronger dose. She was fine for a couple days after her shot but it's degraded badly since then. She's always been very religious but now my Dad tells me she's throwing away all the things that remind her of God because "someone" told her to. She's taking cold shower every few hours fully clothed because "someone" told her to (OCD?). It's so disturbing for my old Dad to see all this and he's just locking her up trying to ensure she's not going to neighbours or throwing things outside the house - but I feel this is all so abusive!! This is not in Australia and a different country where rules and laws aren't upheld as much as here. I truly don't know what to do. I've asked my Dad to consult the doctor for his own mood and difficulties, I'll see what he does...

I broke down in tears earlier today thinking of her being all alone, sleeping with no one to tell her she's safe 😞 😞  I feel helpless as I can't be with her. In her first lapse she would feel safe with me and would sleep holding my hand 😞 so maybe I'm feeling terrible for not being with her right now. But I can't uproot my life here either and don't know if I'll be of much help if I go there and get overwhelmed as well.

More importantly, I'm scared my anxiety roll go through the roof of I go there.. I've been having nightmares, intrusive images and thoughts all of a very scary nature - my therapist said it's natural because I was so young when she used to tell me there are devils inside the house and really creepy things like that. I'm a 36 yo now but I become that little girl who's scared at the smallest mention of anything supernatural - and then I feel really weird for feeling weird and go into anxiety loop that something is wrong with me, do I have issues just like her, the anxiety becomes too much where my usual mindfulness tips of breathing don't help either - luckily my hubby is very supportive and has been helping me.

It's draining, tiring and never ending. I'll speak to a counselor tomorrow but thought writing it out and sharing might bring some respite so I can try and sleep tonight. 

Please keep my mum in your prayers/wishes, she really really needs it. I empathise is everyone going through illnesses and their carers 😢 it's heartbreaking.

Thank you for this space to share. I hope details here weren't too graphic 😞 I didn't know what else to do. 

[tyme]

How are you going this week @Shasan ?

Thinking of you and your family. It sounds like there are so many things happening all at once.

Please know we are here for you and you do not have to go through this alone.

Kindest,

tyme