Hi I'm new here/info on daughters of NPD mother

[Sonny1]

Hi. I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself. I'm just becoming aware that my mother could have NPD which explains a lot and makes a lot of sense. I'm just wondering if anyone has had success in staying in contact? As I believe my mother needs care. Any tips on things that worked. And where to go/how to get my emotional needs met of no mother input and grieving this loss. Thank you.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Sonny1

A very warm welcome to the forums from myself 🙂

Sorry to hear you are currently struggling with caring for your mother and her mental health issues and trying to find ways of staying in contact, that is not easy to do alone so it is really helpful that you are reaching out for much needed support right now.

Carers often find themselves quite burnt out from putting the needs of their loved one first before theirs, it is helpful if you can find ways of looking after yourself so you can look after your mother better. Are you getting any support from other friends and family at the moment? If not so much or that is difficult for you, you might want to think about maybe seeing a counsellor/psychologist to find ways of coping with all of this. Some carers and family find that extremely helpful, so have a think about that.

It is great you have come onto the forums for that much neede extra support right now, you mentioned that you are finding it difficult to stay in contact with her? In what ways?

Kindest,

Lunar

[Sonny1]

Hi @Former-Member.

Thank you for your message.

So glad to be in contact with other people who understand/get this.

I'm trying to find the balance between constantly being taken from 39years of it. Due to my mums issues. And helping her out because she needs help. But the constant take take take wares me down and no give. Most people say walk away but she's sick. It's hard to watch someone you love struggle. I go out of my way to help but all I cop is abuse. It's really tough.

I do have a counsellor who is great but not much other support.

Also just figuring where to go to get the love, encouragement, support, all those mother things that I missed out on. Such deep loneliness.

So good to be able to vent.

Thank you.

[Janna]

Hi @Sonny,

My ex-husband and father of my two children has a pathological form of NPD which has had an enormous impact on the mental health of every individual within our family in some form or another. Unfortunately despite trying to get him to seek therapeutic help he remains in denial that he has a problem and believes that everyone else is the problem.  Dealing with highly self-centred, entitled and abusive individuals is extremely difficult.   I still tend to many of my husband's day-to-day needs as a call of duty and I believe this reflects my inherent empathy and compassion for others regardless of anything. However, it is difficult and often met with abusive displeasure and many other forms of manipulative behaviour which can wear me down and erode my sense of self.  These type of people are almost always dissatisfied, even with our best efforts.  The best way to handle this is to actively measure what you give out and ensure that it is not depleting you or is detrimental to you.  You need to find that balance between caring for another and self-care.  Perhaps setting yourself strict time limits, or goals to achieve (such as only cooking a meal) may help.  It's OK for you to have boundaries which need to be respected, so don't feel that you can't enforce these.  It doesn't make you a bad person, contrary to how your mother may make you feel.

Please allow yourself to grieve if you feel you need to. I'm a firm believer in "to feel is to heal". Giving yourself permission to grieve will slowly dissipate the intensity of the emotions that you are feeling. In terms of where to go to get your emotional needs met this is a tricky one because the best place you can get this from is from within yourself and to not be dependent on another. I would highly recommend getting a good clinical psychotherapist who can guide you through this and give you strategies of coping.  Also lots of psychoeducation about NPD and the effects this has on victims will help validate your experience and temper the pain. It's difficult to know what to recommend in terms of contact with your mother. Many would suggest no contact whatsoever, but this is entirely for you to decide. If contact with your mother is eroding your mental health, then parring back on contact may be a better option. Trust your gut and go with that. Support is also critical at these times. Keeping connected with this forum, or others more specific to NPD, will help walk you through this difficult time. Never feel that you are completely alone because there are communities which will embrace you, such as this one. It's really therapeutic to talk; to tell your story and to receive some validation for your experience. Hang in there. One foot in front of the other in small steps will get you through this.

Take Care

Janna ❤️

[Sonny1]

@Janna

Thank you so much for you message. You authenticity. I really appreciate it. I can totally relate to your story and I respect and admire your care for your ex husband even though he is abusive/unwell. I have tried to find this balance myself. I tried walking away but it broke my heart to watch someone flounder. I guess it's shear love as to why we do it. This gives me a little more in the tank to keep going but to have very clear boundaries to look after myself. I like that "to feel is to heal". I very fortunate that I have found a very good therapist finally who gets all of this and I'm interested in continuing my reading to find out more and how to manage this. This website, forums, helpline has been incredibly helpful and I'm incredibly grateful that I'm not alone in this. At the moment I want contact but it's very limited and self preserving for myself. Thanks again Janna. 😀

[Former-Member]

hello @Sonny1 @Janna

I have met Janna before and received some very helpful responses..Her response to you I totally related to....

This is my first time meeting you Sonny 1.....I am known as Mohill on here...

your story resonates with mine also in a different way again to yours and  Janna

please know that mental illness can bring out the very worst...twisted side of people which may have never been apparent before...

This does not in any way justify her behaviour or treatment of you....setting strong boundaries as Janna mentioned are paramount if you continue to visit...your therapist can help you with this..

Without going into great detail...I have an older son whom has been diagnosed as seriously ill with paranoid schizophrenia by two psychiatrists....He fled the state after being detained.. on a mission to remove himself from everyone whom he has met in his life

He consequently is seeking no medical help...as he believes that his symptoms are all related to others persecuting and attempting to take his life...even mine ..

his delusions are now more apparent on the times that he rings...no caller id...his tone is icy cold and the test messages are filled with hate...spite.....fear and horrid suggestions...accusations...etc.

he will not accept that he is unwell therefore he needs no medical help..I have not seen him for 13-14 months now....breaks my heart..

his contact is only for money....he has had most of his stuff stolen repeatedly..

I have painfully tried to explain I can not afford to keep on sending money....I also will not tolerate abuse...he threatens me with never seeing or hearing from him again...I will lose him as a son..

when I read your story and your feelings of loss of a mother's love...I felt a parallel...as I have feelings of loss of my son's love...I know that he is still there behind all of the horrible venomous content that spills out of his mind..the son I gave birth to is still there....your true mother is still there behind her illness...

we do not have to like how our family members are behaving or tolerate their abuse...we do not need to stop loving them though....we are allowed to keep that close to ourselves..

Are there any siblings..relatives who might be willing to go with you when you visit...often if another person is there the behaviour of the unwell person is curbed...

you could always state that you are doing something together after ....attempting to avoid accusatory remarks of bringing someone else in to check on her..

write on here when you feel able...if not wanting a response...just a place to vent...explain that in your post..your feelings will be respected..

you are safe writing on here and not judged by anyone..

continue believing in yourself...continue with your counselling...

take care

[Sonny1]

Thank you.

I am so sorry to her of your story too.

It is so awful.

Just the way i fell they manipulate to survive.

It does my head in and is exhausting. 

I wish you all the best too. 

[Billy]

Hi Sonny1, I am also a daughter of a NPD and also her carer. My husband and children are very supportive and understand the complexed relationship between my mother and I.
Despite having a loving husband, my mother can still reduce me to that anxious 8yr old wondering how I can make my mummy love me. She is now 94, living with me since my father died, all this is becoming too much as my resentment mounts. I keep thinking God has put her with us so I can learn forgiveness, it’s so hard!

[Sonny1]

@Billy Thank you for your understanding. 

That sounds tough.

You are a good daughter.