Help! Very close to having to kick my eldest son (19) out of the house

[starflame]

Hi everyone,

I am very distraught at the thought of having to go through this.

He has been drinking alot and it has been going on over a year. 

He is 19 has a car and a good job and could easily rent somewhere to live.

The disrespect that he shows me is digustting and my other son and Fiance are supportive of my decision that if he doesnt immediately change his disrespect towards me or the rest of the family then he has to leave. 

if he continues to drink and continue the self destructive path I will have no option to give him two choices, make an active decision to stop drinking and attend therapy or leave.

At the end of the day I live in a house with my Fiance who suffers with BiPolar II, myself who suffers with severe PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Aggoraphobia and body dysmorpha and my younger son who suffers with PTSD , Depression and Anxiety.

The son in question is causing all of us to have mental health crisis and we have approached him and he has basically told us to all ***** off and that is our problem.

He is renaiging on promises, blatantly lying, refusing to take responsibility for the people he has over in our home and the names he calls me are horrific.

Has anyone else had to do this, out of love if their adult child refuses to live appropriately in the home?

Any advice on how to do this with the most compassion, love and support and yet firmness would be very helpful.

[greenpea]

@starflame  Hi starflame I am and have never been in this position as none of my children drink (I have always warned them against it) although I have had some testing times with son2 in the past. I believe if a person drinks to excess there are problems affecting him/her. I used to drink and it was caused by pain. Drinking is a quick way to dull the pain although it always comes back to bite you in the arse.

Personally I would be loathed to kick out your 19 year old (he is very young). I appreicate his behaviour is vile and hurtful but trying to find out what is causing his excessive drinking would be preferable. Just my thoughts. greenpea

[starflame]

Thank you for your reply. I too have always discussed at an age appropriate time the issues with alcohol especially as there is a history of alcohol abuse going back generations my chidren's family. As a result my youngest son does not touch alcholol. 

Although 19 is young, he has a steady full time job, a car and has had a year of loving supportive care.  I understand that he is most likely coming from a position of trauma and for the last few years has refused any treatment that I have offered to pay for. The level of verbal abuse from him to all members who live in our home has gone on for over a year. I have given him chance after chance and every opportunity to accept his behaviour, stick to his agreements and promises and he refuses to do so. The decision for him to be removed from our home will not be an active decision of me punishing him for his decision it will be a passive decision he makes as a result of not availing of the huge support he has been provided with for years. I have spoken with my clinical psychologist and the level of verbal abuse coming from him towards myself and others is unacceptable. This is a choice he is making as I am extending the olive branch out to him today one final time to accept our support. If he chooses not to accept that then I have no choice other than to stand by the boundary that I set with him with the support of the rest of the family that share the house with him.

Just as an aside, living here is enabling his drinking because I, as his mother pay for so much of his lifestyle that he has a huge amount of disposable income.
I am at the stage that after some things he has said recently and his disrespect and abuse of me financially and emotionally and also tormenting his brother that he has to make the choice now.

[Former-Member]

Hi @starflame 

Although your situation is a little different, this article might be of help to you.

https://www.bphope.com/blog/finding-financial-harmony-with-bipolar-disorder/

[starflame]

Thank you @Former-Member 

My eldest son currently has no medical diagnosis and is refusing to acknowledge that he might need to see a doctor or that his drinking is a problem.

I have offered him all the support that is avaiable, I have offered to pay for him to seek help and his choice is to respond from a place of anger and truama (which causes issues for me on a mental health perspective however I do understand the place he is at and will never hold it against him).

I feel, as his parent, I cannot let my son grow up into an abusive alcoholic and for the last 12 months++ I have seen him head towards that path and refuse the support and help being offered to him.

He is an adult and if it comes to him having to move out he will always be welcome to return when he agrees to abide by our fair houserules.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @starflame I think you are clear, very fair and very loving.

I left home at 16 and survived.  I do not think infantilising young people in their teens and twenties is doing them or society many favours.

My ex husband had experienced 10 years of schizophrenia and meds.  His life improved when I encouraged him to look at life logically and deal with issues one at a time as they emerged.  He did not relapse, though he did have problems with love and affection which is why our relationship never really worked.

We do have to careful about normalising bad behaviour and lack of respect.  I had been hurt by many a beloved loveable larrikin ... 

Take Care of you and yours

[starflame]

@Appleblossom  thank you so much for sharing that with me. I really appreciate it as I too feel that society is causing our new adults to still feel like children well into their late twenties and even into their thirties. My ex husband left me becuase "his Mum thought he was too young to have such a sick wife". Even though that might have been an excuse to get of the marriage it still really made me feel that there is so much wrong with hearing those words coming from a thirty something.

I have asked for advice on this matter from both professional and people who came back from where my son is currently at and all of them said that if they hadn't have been given the boundary which ultimately meant some of them had to leave home, even for a short period of time, they would never have seen that they had an issue.

The best way it was explained to me was that its easy to blame your family because you know all their flaws and weaknessess. However when you have to share a house with other people who are not related to you it becomes very clear what is acceptable in a shared environemnt and what isn't.

It breaks my heart that it might come to that for my son, however he will know that he has the safety net of a supportive loving family who will be there for him whenever he needs us

[Appleblossom]

And it was good to read your response @starflame 

I am not judgmental about it and have taught lots of kids, teens and adults for nearly 30 years. 

I just had a little situation with my 26 yo. He had arranged for me to drop him off at a location where he is to give a small concert. It is 10-15 mins walk.  Then he decided at last minute to take his "special chair" and that I pick him up as well.  I frowned and he overreacted saying that "If I insist he walk" which made me shake my head in disbelief as I have never been allowed to insist on anything.  My son  has different issue to your son, but honestly if a strapping young man cannot walk 15 minutes on his own without expecting his mum picking him up what is this world coming to??

I tried not to be pulled and muttered that I had been happy to drop him off ... he has decided to take the chiar and wheel it back. He did not need to take his special chair, it is sad and I was no longer happy taking him there as the vibe and gotten awkward and tense.  He is going to make a silly scene waling the chair home but it his choice.  As I came home I reflected that I had watched my parents carry furniture home to save on delivery costs and they never had a car when I was growing up.

Take Care

[Bea]

You say "It breaks my heart that it might come to that for my son, however he will know that he has the safety net of a supportive loving family who will be there for him whenever he needs us". Your words are beautiful & he is very lucky. I hope from one day in the future your son can see the bigger picture too.

I heard of a family with a 15 or 16yr old, coming home drunk, verbally & physically abusive to all in the household, including younger siblings. Police were involved and because of age things would obviously differ, but a curfew was set at 10pm each week night & 12 weekends. This could be enforsed with some sort of law due to his age. I reealise you cound not do that with 19 (adult) by law, but just as a curtousy to other household members. If that teen arrived home drunk, or drugged in any way he was no longer given access to the house. This was the new arrangement. The cars were removed from the garage, a camping stretcher bed, sleeping bag, kettle & toaster was provided there. This was where he was required to go. It was safe, off the street (not very warm though). If he was polite, he could enter the house to cook or wash his clothes. If not, he was expected to use his centrelink money for laundrymats & food. When he broke windows to get in, or was nice to get in then caused trouble, the Police were called. Every time. He got the message & last I heard was permanently living in the garage. The stress level of the house improved dramatically. Of course they still worried, but were not in danger themselves.

Sorry to ramble on, but your situation must be so hard & your mention of safety net made me picture this kid's gagrage home. Maybe some baby birds really do need a push put of the nest to learn to fly!

[starflame]

I had an amazing conversation with my son today and I am so proud of him.

He has been working away all week and when he came home this afternoon he asked me if we could chill together and chat about a few things.

He said while he was away he had a big think about the conversation we had before he left for his work.

He explained that sometimes the way I communicate to him comes across aggrressively which makes him angry and react badly and then he feels even more angry because he knows that I love him, he knows that I am doing my best and that I am very ill and then he goes on an angry chain in his head about what happened to his Mum and how he couldn't stop it.

We hugged and I thanked him for explaining it to me and we talked about exactly what the issue was and how we could work around it.

We talked about the guilt we both felt and how we both know that neither of us should feel guilty.

It was a really good start to what I hope will be a more open and honest relationship.

He acknowledged his reactions where not appropriate, apologised and asked for help and support which of course he knows I can and will provide.

Clear boundaries were set and we agreed to have an amnesty talking area where we could set aside a specific incident and have real meaningful conversation. He has commited to persuing some sort of counselling if he breaks the boundaries we set and he also told me how I can help him stay within those boundaries.

I am so proud of him.