Have narcissistic mother and borderline sister. Any support would be appreciated

[familymember]

Hi everyone, long story short I have finally mustered up enough resolve and courage to cut my BPD sister out of my life because she is just too toxic. Her twisted mix of jealousy, disdain and need to make us the same person has finally proven to be too much and I'm just not doing it anymore. If we don't talk again, I've handed it over to God so whatever will be will be. I really don't and can't care anymore.

But the next thing I discovered is that my mother fits the bill for a total narcissist.

All of the dots lined up and everything makes perfect sense now: Her neglect and disdain of me, her sabotaging my success and self esteem, sabotaging my education, her choosing a favourite child, her not being able to say "i love you", her hatred of me when I suceed... and even now... I can't even explain it all I'm just so mad. But what continues to hurt me is the sabotage. She still does it. And I was naive and just thought she was a "no person"- someone who is just timid. But she's not timid, she's a narcissist and she couldn't STAND it, if I were happy.

For any christian people here, I just want to say one of the things that hurts me the most is that she raised me to be one (which I gladly am and thank God because if not I wouldn't know what to do) but she is not loving, caring, giving, forgiving, no charity, no compassion, no nothing. How can she claim to be what she says when she has this illness? I looked to her as my example not just as my mother but as a spiritual person. And the whole time her cold and antagonistic character just confused me and broke my heart. I feel so sorry for my poor Dad. She was charming and pursued him and he'd never had a girlfriend before. Then he spent 18 years miserable with her as she constantly broke him down and put him down. I love him so much, I wish he could learn what I know now about her but she hasn't been diagnosed and probably never will so I don't know if he'd believe it. 

Now I can see it's like I'm stuck on a merry go round with people with these problems... Turns out I attracted them to me in relationships and friendships too and my longest running friend (out of school) of about 15 years is one as well and I couldn't see it.

I'm not used to telling anyone anything and them actually listening or caring so I'm sorry if this has gone on too long, I've been trying to shorten it. But i would appreciate any wisdom or encouragement or if you've been through it as well with a parent or sibling please feel free to share.

[JoeTheLion]

Hi @familymember,

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story.

That is a huge load you are carrying. No one needs to put up with another's toxic behaviour. We are all entitled to set any boundary we like when someone upsets us. One of the things you can control is doing things that help you to cope and looking after yourself as best you can.

I hope that you will find the forums to be a supportive place for exploring all these issues. Just a tip, if you are replying to someone or wanting to notify or touch base with someone, place an @ before their username, as in @familymember

All the best

Joe The Lion

[Former-Member]

Hi @familymember,

Just checking-in to see how you are. How have you been going after cutting your sister out of your life? Are you still in contact with your mother and your friend of 15 years?

Hoping you are feeling in a more mentally healthy space!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[familymember]

Hi Amour_Et_Psyché, 

My relationship with my mother is not something I am fully willing to leave behind, mostly as she has had some breakthrough's about the situation.

I believe she had some type of awakening about my sister's illness. She even stood up for me which was a lifetime first. Literally. My sister and I are in our 30's and never ever in my whole life has my mother defended me. It's a struggle knowing she is also an unsafe person, but she is evolving. There is some good shining through her. It's not perfect but it's a start.

My friend cut me off as soon as I didn't do exactly what she wanted for the first time. She took all of my ideas for her bridal hens night and went and held it without me then posted the photos online when she knows I can see them. I have not even received a text or online 'like' or anything from her in months. 15 years down the drain just like that. She is unwell and honestly there is a part of me that is so relieved because it is just time to stop being a caretaker- even unknowingly- and find some decent people who can be normal healthy friends.

I haven't posted anything on here for awhile because one of the things I shared about my experience got my entire post deleted and I wasn't allowed to have it published until I made changes which was complicated. I'd said that I feel physically bigger than what I am which turned out was due to exhaustion, but she said it would 'trigger' people with eating disorders. I thought that was extremely insensitive towards me, I understand her concern but the post had nothing to do with that and it's not in that area of discussion in any way. Being blocked while sharing a vulnerable admission was really disruptive to my opening up and my healing. I think it was a huge mistake on behalf of whichever moderator did that. I didn't bother with this site again until now.

Thank you for your message.

[Rexina]

Hi

I just wanted to say that I can relate to much of what you have written. Most of my life I had the issue of my Christian, narcissistic and depressed mother. my education was also sabotaged, but I made up for it later in life. I could do nothing right and when I did achieve things or travel there would be the jealous responses or disbelief that people actually saw some worth in me. My sister, who is schizophrenic affected shared the emotional and sometimes verbal abuse. She was more damaged by our upbringing than I was.

Even after my mother died, I would hear her disparaging remarks for years. Every day I would get up and find myself arguing with her - with the thoughts that would run through my mind. I eventually realised that it was my guilt, feeling that somehow I had  really been the bad one and that this was not true and I was able (with the help of my husband) to see this and let her go.

My mother was also a Christian and I am grateful that she introduced me to God. Sadly she only gave me a picture of a God who also saw me as never measuring up and worthy of punishment. I had a one-sided view of God as wrathful and to be feared. It has taken me much of my life to try to understand and receive his love. My mother must have only been given this view too. Which is sad. So, while she was a believer, she certainly had her demons that we had to live with!

I too found myself being attracted to people who were the most toxic for me. Fortunately, by the time I met my husband, I did not trust my own feelings of attraction and our marriage was based far more on our mutual faith and a friendship that grew into deeper love. I am very grateful to God for this. Part of it was having to go through some humbling experiences on my part, as I realised my own thinking was so disturbed.

I hear you on this one. 

[familymember]

Hi @Rexina thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Sometimes it truly does feel like there is hardly anyone or maybe no one out there who can understand the layers of our situation but it's a great encouragement to me to find this isn't true.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and mum, I am really am. I will pray that you just keep getting stronger and more free as you go through life in your own terms, not dictated by either of them, and that this will be a satisfying and healthy experience for you in the long run.

Have you ever felt confused by the combination of your mothers issues and her spiritual beliefs? To me I find it extremely bizarre that my mother believes strongly in the principle of charity or goodwill or kindness and yet she has been so cold and neglectful. Even now she points out the flaws in others that I just want to say to her 'that is you!' But I don't.

It is great that you've found a good husband, I'm so happy for you! It has been my prayer that when I meet someone again, he will be mentally well because the last thing I want is to end up with a life long partner who has similar issues to my mother or sister. I just hope I am wise enough to see the warning signs if this is not the case.

I hope you have a blessed year