From Daughter of a Schizophrenic Mum - A poem (if anyone else relates)

[Shasan]

Hi, thank you for clicking in to read my note. My mum has had a relapse and I met with her in Feb and spent almost a month with her. To suddenly see her in this state again is truly heart-breaking! 😞 I've been feeling like it's somehow my fault that she re-lapse again- That she was so excited for our arrival and possibly was in mania and has now crashed 😞 

Here are a few words I wrote for her because I stay far away in a different country and she's not been talking to me over the phone.

Dear Mother, Feel better...

Dear Mother, Feel better, better than before...

I wonder if you knew...

I applaud the child you were and believe you are so worthy 

I understand you as an adult and that you have your own unique beauty

I revere you for your intelligence and for teaching me spirituality

I accept you as you are and there’s no more room for insecurity

If only, you knew all this, I wonder 

Dear Mother, if you would feel better...

I wish I knew early on, what you’ve been going through

That, I somehow could have changed your fate and been sure

You could have gotten early help to stay pure...

I wish I knew early on, what you’ve been going through...

I wish you can take care of yourself now and know that,

I have always needed you, even when you felt others didn’t...

I looked up to you for strength but absorbed your fears instead...

I have healed from the past, and all I wish you for is that you could heal in the present...

We find ourselves here, yet again

I feel your sorrow, fears, and pain...

I hear you describe things that never happened,

And act along so your efforts don’t go in vain...

I see your old fears resurfacing and sympathize that they feel so real for you..

I’m trying my best to keep calm, hoping soon that you will once again sine.

I’m praying and hoping and wishing... That you feel better, Mother

I wonder if you knew all this Dear Mother if you would take care of yourself better.

All I want for you is to feel better, Dear Mother

Love,

Your daughter

[Former-Member]

This passage is beautiful @Shasan, I can hear both the love and the pain in your words 💜 It must be difficult being away from your mother during this time...I hope that you're able to maintain contact and that your mother is getting the care she needs. I also wanted to add that the relapse isn't something to blame yourself for. It sounds like you were there for her and she enjoyed the time she spent with you. 

Be gentle with yourself.

Rhye ☘️

[Sophia1]

Hello Shazan

I am not on the forums very often these days as I incurred what is referred to as "carer burnout, or crash"

I thought that I might look at some posts on the carers side as I had drifted over to lived experience finding that I fit better over there having my own struggles of the mind on and off for the majority of my life.

I am in an opposite situation to you. I am the mother of an adult who has had schizophrenia possibly for over 34 years and due to high IQ which often goes hand in hand with schizophrenia, my adult acknowledges suffering from stress at times; no other diagnosis; as given over the years by varying psychiatrists

He exists in a different world.

Consequently no regular therapist;medication; support systems; NDIS. These would not work for him.

No support other than from his dad and I who divorced many years ago.

My heart goes out to you as I know only too well of the pain that you describe.

The yearning to reach them and have an understanding of their words, at minimal can make some difference.

I have researched so much.

I have listened to family adult for so long over the years.

I am very aware that my adult knows of endless and unconditional love that I will always have. Nothing will ever change that and this I have said over and over

The calls are often delusional and I know that my adult is pushing through the terror to try to reach me. My listening; sometimes not being allowed to utter one word does allow him the opportunity to feel heard; valued and there when I can be.

Your words written from deep within tell me that your mother is aware of your love; support without conditions also.

This is what we can offer until they are ready for something else.

They will let us know if they reach a stage where they are able to look past their symptoms and find themselves alongside their condition.

As I am told constantly; Be Kind to yourself.

They need us to remain strong.

They are beautiful in their own unique way. They are rare beings who carry a very different load to many humans.

My adult is always giving money to help others even though needing it.

Writing is so therapeutic.

Keep on if you feel comfortable in doing so.

I know others will find you eventually.

Lastly try not to think of care that they need as the same as others.

Feeling better is not in their world.

Living with their differences and incredible minds is a better way to look at it for you and them.

They have moments where they are managing and need to feel their strength and independence.

They often reach out to us when in need.

Your mother is aware of your deep love as you are of hers.

Something led me to find you today. I believe that my adult guided me here.

Hold your mum deep in your heart. She will know if she is strongly attuned to you.

Take care

Sophia 💜

[maddison]

Hi @Shasan 

Your poem is beautiful💜

I can relate to so many different parts of it, on different levels.

I want to echo the thoughts of @Former-Member & be easy with yourself.

As a daughter of a mother who has imbalances, I believe I too internalise things that were beyond my control. 

I looked up to you for strength but absorbed your fears instead...

This part stood out to me. I feel the same way.

I would like to be where you are in processing your relationship with your mother. I go through stages of feeling healed & wanting that for her. It seems to fall apart after I have interacted, all the memories of feeling scared & worthless come to the surface.

Perhaps I am healthier without her.

Thankyou so much sharing. 

[Shasan]

@Former-Member Thank you for your words ❤️ It's definitely a mixed bag of emotions. Mental illnesses are so devastating 😞 

[Shasan]

@maddison Thank you for your honesty in sharing how challenging the healing journey can be, especially when it's a parent. What makes it so hard like you said is that we are hopeful and we want to love them and want their love, they were our everything when we were kids learning about the world, but reality hits hard when we see their state just doesn't allow that, at least consistently!!

Mother's day can be particularly hard coz I don't relate to any of the amazing, incredible, grand quotes, proverbs, fancy advertisements about mothers love etc., 

It took me maaaanyyyy years to notice my wounds, absorbed patterns, limiting beliefs and I'm still healing and I completely relate to that feeling of getting re-traumatised when all those triggers come rushing back - It's the toughest relationship to heal, if at all possible. 

I'm sure distance has played a huge factor because I only see her once a year and just this visit in 2022, I enjoyed her company for the first ever time. I went in with determination to accept her quirks without judging them. Ironically, She was energetic, enthusiastic, cooked for me, came on walks with me, bought me gifts, taught me how to play a game all other kids learnt in their childhood, maternal for the first ever time - and it's all gone in a matter of 30 days. I feel so sad and sorry for her and myself. But we did enjoy those 45 days together and she was the highlight of my entire trip - I finally got to see bits of her real self and I think that tiny %ge filled the massive mother sized hole in my soul. I can only imagine what it would have been like if she wasn't affected.

Distance is effective. I definitely needed boundaries and therapy and knowing when to walk away. I needed affirmations to separate myself from her in all ways and begin to come into my own, who I want to be without her fears and beliefs. 

My healing began for my insecurities that I feel as an adult and in therapy a vivid image of her telling me that I'm ugly popped up. So painful. I've gone through so much of my life thinking I'm not beautiful and I just need to look well presented.

I worked on it through therapy and mindfulness, learnt what's really in my control when it comes to her condition, started to observe her behavior instead of getting absorbed by it, noticed phobias and anxieties that were never really mine and slowly beginning to re-parent my inner child (very hard! I still can't drive or go to the deep end of the pool or watch horror movies or feel properly body positive. I've also absorbed her emotional eating and other coping mechanisms).

Becoming aware of their influence and how it's still affecting us in our adult life is the first step 😞 

Secondly, this always humbles me when I'm annoyed - I never got to choose my mum but I'm here, alive, fed, clothed, kind of a decent Caring human and educated - so she must've done some of it right. She wasn't the mum I wanted but she was maternal in her own weird and quirky way. 

All the best and I'm always here for you if you'd like to discuss more!! 🤗🧡

[maddison]

Wow! @Shasan 

Thankyou so much for taking the time to write all of this.

I want to reply properly when I have time to sit down& put thought into it. It is surely going to require some emotional, psychological, mental energy! 🙂

I am grateful you have shared. As I was reading, it occurred to me that I have never really had someone who understands or to soundboard my thoughts to.

I was confident in my thoughts & feelings, but this is the first time I have ever realised the validity of them.

I can relate so much to your description of Mothers Day. I knew I felt this way, but have almost felt guilty or odd to recognise this thought. I see these ideals of motherly love & relationships & I always ask myself 'is this real?' 'What would it have been like to grow up with that type of connection& support?'

It is so complicated!

That is all I can manage for now. 

Beautiful😊💚

[Shasan]

@maddison 

Thank you to you too - for your presence, for taking the time to reach out and let me know that you simply relate ❤️🤗 It's a soothing feeling to connect with someone who's gone through similar experiences, as a daughter! I've never had this either. 

I hear you about that feeling guilty and feeling doubtful, seeing other mums be so nurturing and caring. I tear up for the simplest things like my mom's sis (Aunty) who looks a bit like her cooked my fav dish for me when I visited her. I just started bawling ha ha she was clueless. This other time someone called me a very endearing nickname like dear or darling and that made me so emotional - When my focus goes to I wish I had this, I'm learning to bring it back to I have this now and I can find places where to get this from. It's simply not something my birth mother can offer (acceptance), but I can indeed choose to appreciate the maternal qualities of other caring women around me. I definitely, like you, have wondered how much better I might've turned out if I did blossom under that nurturing care 💝 My dad was quite helpful and has been a good friend but he's a chronic people pleaser and I'm learning to grow up from all those beliefs too - Somewhere this tells me that even parents without mental health issues unknowingly instill fears and beliefs in children that aren't always helpful. Therefore, all of us, even from the best families have some or the other thing to heal from - like parents with addictions, or really strict perfectionistic parents and children growing up wanting validation etc.. Or children of narcissistic parents. 

I try to remind myself in my mindfulness practice that I'm so much more than my trauma memories and I'm actually fine in this very moment - despite what my mind may want me to believe (like I'm in some form of danger and need to be cautious all the time)

Please take your time to respond, although I must let you know, everything you have said is 100x meaningful to me and I really appreciate it 🤗 I love your confidence, optimism and self-awareness.

I feel like I've found a sis 💕

Thank you. Take care. 

[maddison]

Hi @Shasan 

I feel like I could be writing this post to myself! I want to say you have no idea what this means to me, I think I know you do.

I am experiencing so many different thoughts, emotions right now to the point where everything has mashed together & things went blank. I don't feel bad - a culmination of 44 years release - a bit enlightened.

It will take me a bit to properly process the gravity of how that which you have expressed is congruent with my own experience.

It is combination of freedom and some type of fear. Perhaps it won't take me long to process, as it had always been there. It is the process of being recognised, witnessed - feels unfamiliar, maybe almost like awe.

I was going to comment on aspects i.e where you mentioned adjusting your focus on who you are today, and how you can give yourself the things that were neglected when your mind wonders 'what if'. I really like the tools you are using & needed this reminder.

Sorry, my mind is a bit all over the place..I appreciate your generosity of spirit  & understanding in mentioning to take my time in responding. I am planning to reply with bit more coherence, I was also thinking perhaps that these (somewhat) short, aknowledging replies are also beneficial and perhaps perfectly right for me, right now!

I really like your confidence, self awareness & emotional intelligence too 👍💕👍💕💚💚🙂

[Shasan]

@maddison

I appreciate your vulnerability & I'm glad we got to connect 💕

I hear that you're feeling heard and seen for the struggles, but with a slightly unrecognizable emotion that's mimicking fear too, and that you'd like to take time to process and be able to put a pin on the specifics :pushpin:  I'm here ❤️👍🏽

Sometimes, when we realize things that may be in line with our needs and values - we can feel pleasant and unpleasant at the same time and it's okay. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's normal to feel that way I believe - the mix of emotions in finding something life changing, closely followed by the thoughts that may be telling us why didn't I know to do this before or I should've done xyz or something of that sort, perhaps?

I use this app called Wysa which is a great little pocket therapist, easy to start chatting with the bot that's remarkably close to the real thing or may be speaking with a counselor here on SANE might also be helpful to navigate through the sea of emotions 💝

Please take your time, it's not an easy time and you have every right to park these thoughts or take a break and respond later, absolutely no rush and i appreciate your care in wanting to respond and acknowledge. ❤️

I'd like to reassure you that your short responses are very clear, cohesive and meaningful - I get you & I'm so grateful and glad that we could connect. 

I know you've read this even if you don't feel like responding straight away. Take care 🤗