Family Member Completley Resistant To Therapy

[Jane18]

Hi everyone. I am new here and I really appreciate being able to seek support. 

I have significant mental health conditions which I manage by seeking a lot of professional and personal support. I do courses and take care of my mental health.

My mother has significant mental health conditions. She is the opposite in terms of getting help. She does not actively seek any form of support or get any assistance to find professionals who are trained and objective. She won't even see her GP to get a care plan to see a psychologist. There are just excuses after excuses. 

She finally had an appt with a counsellor booked in for today. It had given me a lot of hope that the pressure would be taken off me but I just spoke to her and she cancelled it completly.

I am not trying to be mean or dismiss her but she just wants to tell me and only me how hard everything is and how she isn't coping and she calls multiple times a day. It is really, really upsetting me. I feel guilty but I also don't have the skills to help and I don't understand why she only talks to me. I feel like I am just being a free counsellor at this stage and I am finding it hard to detach and live my life. I am burning out and I was wondering if anyone has had/is currentley having the same experience and if anyone has any tips for me on how to cope better.

Thanks so much.

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Jane18 ,

Thank you for sharing with us what is currently happening to you.

It sounds like your mother has a lot of confidence and trust with you to share so much with you. Yet I also acknowledge how draining it may be for you.

Have you spoken to your mother that she may get more support from those who are trained to listen to and support her?

There may be a range of reasons that she may not be comfortable reaching out:

- speaking to an 'unknown' person can be quite a challenge

- feeling that she does not want to 'bother' other people 

- fear of the unknown

- financial cost

- if she is currently comfortable speaking to you, why change that?

- stigma that MH support is for the 'weak'

I cannot say if any of these reasons relate to your mother, but it is important for her to know that you have your own MH and are feeling burnt out.

Perhaps you can even suggest you go with her as a support person for the initial consults until she feels comfortable to to go on her own?

It is so important to acknowledge that you realise you are feeling burnout. This is a great start on your part.

Look forward to hearing how you go,

tyme

[amber22]

Good afternoon @Jane18!

Thanks so much for sharing what you are going through at the moment ❤️

I can definitely relate to feeling as if you are someone else's counsellor and support system. Although this can be really rewarding, especially if they are a close family member that you want to see get better mentally, it can also be extremely draining and very overwhelming, which is why I think you are starting to feel really burnt out. That is definitely not an ideal state to be in, and it sounds like you need to also really focus on taking care of yourself. 

We actually have a Peer Group Chat tomorrow night that is on 'Caring for yourself while caring for someone else' that is run by some of our Peer Support Workers here at SANE, and that might be beneficial for you to attend to get some extra advice on how to navigate this situation. 

Here is the link, and I will also tag you in the original post: https://saneforums.org/t5/Forums-news-and-feedback/Peer-Group-Chat-Caring-for-Yourself-while-Caring-...

Sending hugs, 

Amber22

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jane18,

That is a tough situation to be in. It seems like a balancing act between care and support for those you love and care and support for yourself. And burnout is hard to recognise till you are burnt out! Has she always had MH or has it surfaced later in life? Sometimes it can be very scary, especially for those from generations where it was considered 'private' or something that could be controlled by the individual. Luckily contemporary society recognise MH now and we have a bank of supports. However, that doesn't mean that everyone will feel comfortable using them. It is a tough situation you're in. 

For whatever reason she refuses external supports, you also need to look out for yourself. It is lovely that you can be there for her, but you need to be in the right space to support her. Recently I have had to out some boundaries in place with people close to me in my life. It was one of the most difficult things to do because I wasn't sure how they'd react or whether it would deteriorate those relationships. The advice I was given was to go in prepared with my boundaries so I would not waver under the pressure and preparation meant they were also very considered and practical, not acted through intense emotion. Also, explaining what you need and how the pressure makes you feel can be helpful, even if you are the acting support to the other person. After all, it is a relationship with two participants and two sets of needs and supports. It is really tough but I am glad I did it. I needed to do it and it sounds like you might need to work something out to minimise the pressure on yourself. 

Maybe she might like some community classes? You might even like to go together to build friendships and supports? She may be more open if she has you there to help? It might also be a nice distraction for you both and time to focus on the joy you get from each other, it sounds as though you are close. 

Good luck, hope to hear more from you soon

Sunshineandsea X

[tired_sisyphus]

hi @Jane18 , thanks very much for sharing, and welcome.

What the peer workers have said are amazing and I hope you get some idea or solace out of it.

I support a loved one through various MH issues. They're also quite resistant to any clinical setting. In the last year, peer workers helped a great deal; but I acknowledge that's still in a 'quasi-clinical' setting.

I have other loved ones who just straight out deny there are issues, they say 'everything is ok if I just sit with it for a while'; and then hit me with calls/coffee chats that didn't do our relationship much good. It does get frustrating, but I'd like to think that us (as carers) help from a place of love.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

[tyme]

How's everything going @Jane18 ?

[amber22]

Hey there @Jane18!

I just wanted to check in on how everything was going for you recently? 

How are you feeling mentally/ emotionally? And how is your mum/ her appointment with her counsellor? I hope she found it helpful, and maybe it turned a new leaf for her regarding her thoughts towards getting professional help. I hope it eased a bit of the stress on you as well, I know that caring for someone else, while having your own mental health battles, can be extremely difficult. ❤️

If you missed the Peer Group Chat the other night, it might be a great resource to read over as it covered some topics about feeling the mental and emotional weight of looking after someone else that may also be experiencing complex mental health issues. 

Here is the link: https://saneforums.org/t5/Forums-news-and-feedback/Peer-Group-Chat-Caring-for-Yourself-while-Caring-...

Sending you hugs, 

Amber22