Depressed and angry husband

[Iris39]

• My husband is depressed and has a few medical issues. He has got to the point of getting a psychologist details from our GP and talks about getting the help from this psychologist but says he doesn't have time to book an appointment. This morning he's very low and I offered to help him by booking an appointment for him. He exploded in rage, accused me of not caring and making things worse, including bad eye pain (he's had issues post cataract surgery) that gets way worse when he's stressed. We were driving, he was screaming, then stopped and started crying and screamed at me to get out of the car. I did, to defuse the situation, and now he's driven off up the freeway presumably do the shopping he was going to do. I'm at a loss on this one, I'm so miserable, I can see he wants help but he's so over medical appointments and I'm sure scared of letting all the feelings out with a psychologist. I'm scared he's going to have an accident, and I'm scared that this is the rest of our lives. What can I do better to help him?

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hi @Iris39, welcome to the Forums! 

First of all, I want to tell you that the behaviour of your husband towards you is concerning and unacceptable.

We can put a lot of pressure on ourselves as the partners to help as much as we can. We can often feel like we are failing when despite our best efforts, it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. From what I can see, you are already providing good support to him such as helping him when he is feeling low.

My main concern here is your own welfare. What you have described must have been truly terrifying. Whether your husband has mental health and/or physical health concerns or not, you do not deserve to be treated that way. 

It can be scary thinking about talking about it all with a psychologist but this sounds like it could be a positive step. 

It may also be a good idea to consider if you have anywhere that you can go or someone you are able to call when your husband's behaviour is becoming aggressive. As much as we want to help, sometimes it is better for both parties to step away. Of course, if you are ever in immediate danger please do not hesitate to call 000. 

You deserve to feel supported and safe in your relationship 💛

[Iris39]

Thanks for your concern. I actually don't feel unsafe, just helpless. I can take care of myself, and I do, it's my husband who is in such a world of pain that I need to help. He has Graves disease which causes depression and anxiety in itself, and also quick to rage (aka Graves rage). He's not physically threatening and his anger is a defence mechanism. I'm really looking for techniques on how I get him to take that next step.

[Peregrinefalcon]

I see, that makes total sense. Hopefully I will be able to provide some helpful information here:

- Is someone you know unwell?

SANE has a useful information sheet on what we can do when we want to help

- How to help when you are worried about someone's mental health

Black Dog has a comprehensive guide to helping someone else with their mental health, including practical strategies and tips

- Persuading a loved one to seek mental health support

Another good article from Psychcentral

From my experience, one of the most important things you can do is to accept and listen without judgment. It can be a scary experience for all involved and having that support can make a world of difference. 

While it may sound totally obvious - asking them what you can do to help can be a good way to think about what supports they may find most helpful, too. For example, practical supports such as going to appointments together. 

I hope this can be helpful and that others who have been in similar experiences here can chime in with their own wisdom!