Decided to leave.

[UprightRabbit]

Hi everyone.

I saw a psychologist. I know they aren't really meant to give advice but I did ask. After six minutes of me describing my current circumstances, he said, I think you need to leave. So I am.

It's heartbreaking. I promised my partner I would always help. But I can't. 

That's all, I guess. 

Lots of love, everyone. We're all doing our best - us, and those we love. 

[UprightRabbit]

Things to keep in forefront of mind while separating from partner with complex ptsd:

Do not get upset when he reacts badly. If he were good at thinking clearly, you wouldn't be leaving. 

Do not expect him to make good decisions. Do not hold yourself accountable for his decisions.

He is swearing at you and accusing you of cheating because he has a mental illness. It's not actually personal. 

There will be more useful points, I'm sure. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Tag me in @UprightRabbit .....

I got discarded by my guy, but same deal - he's too much for us and can't recognise that he needs help.   He jumped straight in with someone new ...... mixed blessing in that cos he's lashing out at me while playing victim with everyone else ...... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

So glad to see you sharing these notes ..... stay strong Hon ❣️

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

Thank you for your support and kind words. I feel for your man's current partner. And for you, and him. 

I feel like I could have done no more. I was the catalyst for my partner obtaining a diagnosis and a mental health plan, was there through dozens of episodes, and have ensured he's financially prepared to start again fresh. I feel like I've done all a decent human being could do and now I have to show myself the same care and attention. It's not personal, it's the legacy of the abuse he suffered as the survivor of years of intimate-partner violence. It's not his fault, but not is it mine, and I have kids. Can't afford to set myself alight to keep him warm. And unwittingly enabling him at the same time. This sucks. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I do hear you @UprightRabbit ..... and mine would have had me "set myself alight ti keep him warm", which goes with the territory with the sort of nature involved.  I really don't think his new partner understands what she is in for yet, as I am guessing she is still being live-bombed, or in the confusing stage of early devaluation, which is full of cognitive dissonance and totally confusing ..... trying to understand the "switch" you are occasionally witnessing, then thinking you have images things.

While I have some empathy for her, and I have to believe she has been lied to based on my exoeriences of the last decade, but she crossed over our relationship deceptively (behind my back and inclusive of a disabled adult child who wasn't able to tell me they were cheating on me :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤬) ...... so much empathy is rather stunted, I am sure you can appreciate.  Even now she and her children are living with him while he is technically still married to me, and stalling my financial independence every step of the way.

I fought for this relationship and family through ten years of chaos, addictions and devaluing emotional abuse, so I too am feeling like Incoukd have done no more.  Our children reached adulthood before the discard, so for that I am thankful.  Part of the deception was to maintain family occasions and experiences, so we have those to treasure, even though he is doing his best to ruin everything that was "us".

Its so encouraging to read how you have applied self-care in that you have left him according to your best integrity in having to do so ...... good on you ❣️

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

After hearing some details of your experiences, I think you and I can justly decide to apply our empathy primarily to ourselves and to each other. Your experiences sound rough. I really resonated with you describing that process of wondering if we were imagining things. I spent a year trying to figure out what I was doing, that caused his episodes. Felt I was going crazy. Took a lot to draw that line in the sand and say, No, I don't think this is me and I don't think this is normal.

How are you today?

Best, Rabbit.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am doing okay @UprightRabbit, but there is an email sitting in my Inbox I have been warned about 

three times by my legal team, to leave it alone until my next round of uni submissions are done, because it's highly inflammatory and distressing.  I am ignoring it, but clearly need to psych myself up to opening it too.  

I have heard that the smear campaign that goes with what appears to be his personality type is brutal, but if anything he is just proving himself to be more and more aligned with what might be an eventual diagnosis.

I am focussed on knocking balls over the net, and my current assignments are coming along well.  

And I have just had a really lovely lunch ❣️

I hope it's an okay day for you.

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

I'm a student too!  Full time postgrad. Really hard lol. Two assignments due Friday that I had to request extension for a fortnight ago. I never request extensions.

I feel angered that your studies are impacted by someone else's behaviour. So not okay. But also happy that you're still getting through it. 

My psych said, 'If we were to class people as competent, reflective problem solvers, and people who aren't, I suspect you'd be in the first category and your partner in the second'.

You sound like you are also in the first category.

What was this excellent lunch you speak of? I have been living off coffee and nicotine for a month. Inspire me with a lunch description:)

Best, Rabbit. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Morning @UprightRabbit 

Yeah, s2bx is a real piece of work, I can tell you.

Lunch was a Thia red lentil and pumpkin curry (we make it very mild, but still very tasty).  It was a cold day too, so that really hit the spot ❣️