Dear @Mum22 and @Kelkel ,
I come to you today to acknowledge the challenges of living with and caring for someone with BPD.
I guess I am sharing what I know from the perspective of someone with BPD.
Why we do it:
- we are hurting so much inside and we don’t know how else to let it out; otherwise it will be self-harm
- we tend to only hurt those that are closest to us. All day, we are on ‘our best behaviour’ to the world outside that when we get home, we ‘let go’ and unfortunately, you are the closest one
- we don’t want to be this way. We are really an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body. Our body has grown up, but our emotional self has remained a toddler - that’s why we have meltdowns, ‘tantrums’, mood instability/disregulation
What helps:
- when I’m heightened, walk away and let me know you’ll come back in X amount of time eg 1 hour, 3:30 pm.
- when I am calm, let me know that that is what you’ll do
- to protect yourself, don’t try to reason with me when I’m heightened. It just doesn’t work
- when I am calm, set some boundaries eg when you yell and ‘abuse’ me, I’m going to walk away; if you self harm and need medical assistance, I will be contacting 000; if you send me an excessive amount of abuse messages, I will not be reading nor responding to them.
- giving me options and ‘inviting’ me to do something rather than telling me to do something. Eg “the best thing is for you to take your meds. However, if you don’t want to, its your choice. I’ll just leave them here” VS “take your meds or you’ll get worse” - this is because people with BPD already feel a lack of control. I found that when people told me what to do, it felt like they were taking away the little control I did have.
@Mum22 @Kelkel , boundaries are the most helpful. We might kick up a stink when you set them, but we are actually comforted by these boundaries. If you stick to them, we will know you mean business!
All the best! I hear it’s a challenge, but today, I can look back and thank those who did not give up on me.
