Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

[Seclorum]

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start but I knew from the beginning that she had endured some tragic moments and that she was affected by them. It was not until maybe 10 years later that she was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and through other means diagnosed with also having a borderline condition (this was a few years later) all together we have been sharing our lives about 18 years. We are married and have a 10 year old boy. Every time I have attempted to discuss treatment since about 2016 it has been met with anger, denial and accusations.

looking back, to an ‘incident’ that occurred about that time, I did not connect the dots as they say due to the fact that the borderline diagnosis was still years away.

Today, she officially left ,for the last two + months she has been going through (I believe) an intense episode where she has accused me of many things, some, horrible. I love my wife and have always been mindful of her vulnerabilities, in specific one that keep happening and was most prevalent, trust. There are some other close ones like abandonment and feelings that I wanted or rather I was very controlling.

most suggestions were taken as commands, my opinion always triumph in the end according to her but whenever dissected, that is the situation or ‘topic’ and proof or facts were issued or discussed, they were never challenged, rather, other front opened up, often taking us back to the beginning of our relationship.

She has been engaging in risky, impulse behavior with complete defiance and in deference. The pain and heartache is so painful and in as much that I tell myself and know that this is in part her condition/s, I see someone who believes her thoughts and it’s convinced that it is I who needs to change. Because it has not in the most part affected her career and in fact she excels in it she has been able to gather plenty ‘support ‘ to her great demise. (No sarcasm intended)

She speaks of a time-out, an amicable one, but in the meantime her actions are causing so much damage, in particular to our son, whom is very aware and very angry. I have recently re engaged with my psychologist and have spoken to counselors at my sons school for help with further help available if he chooses, I don’t want to make him. We have a very close relationship but I am aware that he may need professional assistance. My family is supportive and in particular one family member who is in the medical community.

In my despair, sometimes I wish that it would happen like in the movies where individuals going through ‘episodes ‘ would be taken, assessed and cured or at least be convinced that they have a problem and that if they want to stop living a tormented life that there is a way, there is help.  That off my chest, I look forward to hear and learn how I could assist this person whom I love so much but have been unable to help all this years. Help.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Seclorum,

I am really sorry to read how hard things have been for your family. My heart goes out to all of you as I know how bipolar can affect the person, the carer, and the family. I have a close family member who was diagnosed around 20 years ago with bipolar so I have some insight around the rollercoaster that bipolar can be. Fortunately my family member has been receiving treatment for much of this time and has a good professional support team but bipolar has had a big impact on them over the years. Without treatment and professional support I can only imagine hard the situation might be.

I also really feel for you son - being 10 is hard enough to navigate so I'm sure this is very challenging and confusing for him. 

Your genuine concern for your wife and what she is going through is testament to who you are. I understand why you would give her a wider berth, be understanding, empathetic, etc. - I have felt that way too around my family member but in my case (and I can only share with you my lived experience) it doesn't mean what they say/do can't be very painful and it also doesn't mean I gave my family member a free pass for bad behaviour. When my family member has gone too far I have called them out on it and reminded them I am doing my best, and have been for the last 20 years.

I am concerned about your support networks in all this. Being a carer can be a lonely and confusing place - if you feel like you would like some extra support there are organisations available. I will link a couple of them here:

- Carer Gateway 

- Carers Australia 

In addition, the SANE Support Centre is available to support anyone that needs it from 10am-10pm Monday to Friday. We have counsellors and peer support workers available to support you via phone (1800 187 263) or webchat.

SANE also has a Guided services which is our new guided service that provides free digital and telehealth services and ongoing tailored support to people over 18 years of age with complex mental health needs and their families and carers SANE Guided Service. 

Also SANE is having something called Topic Tuesday this coming Tuesday (5.30pm to 7pm) which is basically a live text chat. This Topic Tuesday is around being a carer and what that may entail - I have add a link here if you are interested Topic Tuesday.

It's good to read that you have spoken to your son's school counsellor and you have a close relationship with your son. Having a 11 year old son myself I agree with the `putting it out there if you are interested' but not pushing it option for your son (regarding your son speaking to someone). Just in case you or your son are interested he can also contact the Kidshelpline 24/7:

- Kids Helpline  

I really wish you, your son, and your wife all the best - it's not an easy time for any of you and you all deserve a lot of support.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Seclorum]

Thank you @FloatingFeather , your story has helped me, in particular this feeling of feeling validated, my wife can be very intense and persistent with her accusations that make me really question myself sometimes.. I know I am not perfect but I feel I do genuinely try my best and this includes educating myself through many means.

The ‘unwillingness ‘ of getting treatment, whatever the real reason she refuses it, is something that I would like to learn more about, I think part of the problem steams from the times that she’s doing okay? And, this gives strength to the belief that NO treatment is needed and when things go south it must be because I have made it so, the source of all her demise and pain.

Thank you also for all the links you attached in your comments, I will seriously consider them and at the very least keep them handy, so far I feel I am managing ( I was not explicit/descriptive about other very helpful support I have access to and utilize) The “topic Tuesday”  sounds great, I will be tuning in today.

thank you once again @FloatingFeather for your encouragement and many other assistance that you provided, likewise, I wish you all the best.

warm regards 

Seclorum