Bi-polar partner pushing away again/ what helps

[Morgaine]

My bi polar partner goes through cycles of “spinning out” where she pushes me away and says she is finished with us. She is also in early alcohol recovery. The last time I just told her she cannot leave at that moment but in the morning. The next morning she is usually calm and doesn’t remember much about the hurtful things she has said. Then we had a very close emotional day were we felt so close and so in love. Day three she says she feels unemotional and I am finding it hard. The more she pulls back, the more I feel insecure and need reaffirming our love from her which she can’t give me at the moment. We cycled through “break up night/ make up day / and flat energy’ about 7 times in our relationship (only been dating a year) and I feel at a loss. When she is well, our relationship is amazing. Is there anything you could tell me that would be helpful to me/us? 

We do talk a lot and have usually great communication just not when she is in this state. 

Thanks so much 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Morgaine,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

I feel for you both and understand what you are going through as a close family member has bipolar so the rollercoaster ride that can be bipolar resonates with me. I can only offer you my own lived experience and insight which is try and not take things to heart while your partner is `cycling' (I know it's easier said than done). As with you, some of what my family did / said they often didn't remember after they had come down from a cycling episode. I'm not saying if they say things that aren't okay / hurtful etc it's okay or excusable but I did try to give my family member a wider berth at the time as I knew they were struggling and their thinking was manic at the time. 

Until my family member eventually found the medication, professional team, therapy etc that worked best for them the cycles you talk about did continue to happen (in my family member's case).

It is really good that you and your partner have good communication and the ability to talk through what is happening. I think half of a healthy relationship is the ability to be able to be able to do this.

I would also encourage you to reach out for support for yourself as being a carer can sometimes be a lonely, thankless and emotional place. I have linked a couple of support services here:

- Carers Australia 

- Carer Gateway 

I wish you and your partner all the best. Please keep reaching out on the forums whenever you need support / to chat - that's what we are here for.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

PS. just a couple of tips to help you around the Forums:

Tip 1 - if you want to directly chat with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

Tip 2 – the most recent posts are the latest page numbers.

[PolarOpposite]

@Morgaine 

I read your post and can’t help but to see similarities in my last relationship. I suffer from BPII and didn’t know it at the time. If you are going into this relationship with your eyes wide open, you’re making a life long commitment to a person with a disorder that can be managed really well, but that is very serious and can be fatal. So, it’s not just up to your partner to get better, but for you to skill up yourself.

I have a few thoughts about what worked for my family to work with me better, and me to get healthy. I hope you might be able to use it as a check list to help you out.

I think it’s important to preface all of this by saying that consistency and routine are key for any of this to work, and you’ve got to both want this to work. It’s a hard road but well worth it.

Step 1: medication - manage the extreme mood cycles of BPD as the cornerstone of a broader treatment plan.

This might also include getting some help for setting and maintaining a good sleep schedule.

Step 2: Alcoholics Anonymous - this illness is the next beast to tame. You can take your partner to the AA rooms where you and your partner will both find support in her recovery. 

Let me be clear, if you don’t get Steps 1 & 2 right, nothing else will matter much. You need to form a baseline to treat the bipolar and alcoholism, otherwise you won’t find a lasting peace that will allow for healing in other areas.

Step 3: Educate yourself. Read the “Bipolar Disorder Guide” by David Miklowitz. If you haven’t already, go onto YouTube and watch Dr Tracey Marks videos on bipolar. Find other resources that work for you. Take power in knowledge over BPD. Encourage your partner’s support network to do the same. An uneducated support network makes a person with BPD feel more misunderstood, so get smart!

Step 4: Counselling and support groups - you need to put your life jacket on first before you can help someone else. There are a ton of support groups for family and carers, go and get involved! If you want specific recommendations let me know in a reply.

If possible, your partner should find a good psychologist to work with who specialises in speaking to people with bipolar and other kinds of mood disorders.

Step 5: medical team - Your partner should have a good Psychiatrist and GP in her medical support team. If crap hits the fan, you’ll need these guys in your corner to help get symptoms in check quickly and with as little fuss as possible.

I hope that’s a helpful start. Very happy to help in any other ways too. I applaud you for trying to find a way to be with your partner despite her disorder, and hope you can both find a way to stabilise and move past this phase in your lives. 

[Morgaine]

Dear PolarOpposite, thank you so much for your response. I believe we have the steps right, I work in the field but can honestly say that I have been learning a lot about her and me too. I sometimes wonder if I am trying too hard to create this wonderful relationship (which we do have) when she does tell me that she doesn’t have any relationship skills. I guess, she needs to meet me half way and also do everything she can to learn how to communicate and learn how to be a couple, which she hasn’t been for many years. I love living with her when things are good but this pushing away and avoidance is not good for me either. Thank you again for your help and taking the time. You are so thoughtful and it really helped me.