7 years of mental cruelty

[balanceseeker]

Hi everyone, it is such a relief to have found this website, to shed light on my role as a carer. I met my husband 9 yrs ago, he struggles with alcohol and recreational drugs. Over the years, between bouts of sobriety, I noticed mental health issues. Some of the experiences I've endured have been extremely challenging to say the least. He has physical health issues that go unchecked, self-medicating and control issues. Every day is a challenge to understand his perception of reality. Two years ago in July, I had enough and was beyond burnt out dealing with his rollercoaster of thoughts. I told him, I had enough and want to legally separate. He is also disorganized, impulsive hoarder and doesn't clean up after himself. We do not have any children together. Finally after going through hell time and time again, he agrees to go seek outpatient counseling for addiction. The weaning off alcohol during counseling seemed to take forever. What I found out was that by choice and on his terms, he would only make the time one hour per month. The goal was to reduce his self medication to an acceptable level, in order to uncover the real issues. 8 months later, he finally got a referral to a mental health /addiction outpatient Dr. He has been diagnosed with addiction (on a scale of 1-10), he's an 8, anxiety, panic and depression. He is prescribed medication for the alcohol and medication for the anxiety, panic and depression. There was a problem with the medication , it wasn't working and it was discovered by me that the pharmacist was giving him a generic brand. I called the pharmacist and asked them if they knew what it was like to live in my situation and why did they think they could take liberties on alternatives other than what the Dr. specifically prescribed. Combined with that, my husband was testing the medication, by drinking to build up a tolerance while taking the medication.
There's so much I can share and I will continue another day. Thank you for being a Sane site to go to,

[lola]

Hi balanceseeker

lola here, one of the moderators.  

 Welcome to the Forums. You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the forums and seeking help.

Here you will find a lot of wisdom, experience and kindness that may help you at this difficult time. It is important to connect with others which help will help you to make sense of what you are feeling. I am sure you will get replies soon from other members.

@Former-Member

@Faith-and-Hope

take care

lola

[Former-Member]

@balanceseeker
Sadly a lot of people with MI turn to drugs and alcohol as it gives them temporary relief but as you are well aware of creates many other problems. Alcoholism and drug use can lead to MI too. Not sure which way round it is for your man. Either way there are a lot of problems.

Psych meds are different too, there can be a lot of trial and error before one that works can be found and there can be interactions with alcohol too.

My husband does not self medicate, perhaps another carer with similar issues might respond. What I can empathise with is the feelings of helplessness and living grief.

Darcy

[balanceseeker]

Thank you lola, I really appreciate the welcome and support.

[balanceseeker]

Thank you Darcy, you are absolutely right about helplessness and living grief.

[Former-Member]

@balanceseeker
There are things that carers can do to help in relation to these feelings. You will see a lot about self care and getting support for ourselves.
Carers Australia is a good starting point, you might find some drug & alcohol support sites too. Education for me has been a big one, groups such as Wellways offer carer education and support.

[NatalieS]

Thankyou for sharing @balanceseeker, your situation sounds extremely difficult. I don't know that I can offer any suggestions but all I can say is that in my situation I have mental health issues, I work full time but have been my husband's carer for 15 years or so.  He has multiple medical issues-two of which there's no cure for-but he takes on board whatever advice, medication that he thinks is best and disregards the rest, never mind that his gp and specialists are experts in their fields, he is of the opinion that he knows better than anyone. He has no respect for me so ignores anything I might say about his health or treatments, yet I make sure he is medicated correctly but he refuses to even acknowledge that I care for him...not that I expect thanks, just saying...but that's not much help to you, is it?

Welcome to the forums, sometimes it's just knowing that other people are or have been in caring roles and are, or have been, finding the going tough.  I find the people on the forums very supportive. Please continue to post, even just to vent, sometimes I'm not in a sharing mood so I'll just browse, but we do care. 

[balanceseeker]

Thank you @NatalieS for sharing your story. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to being taken for granted, not appreciated and zero respect. All these reasons, even one of these reasons would be considered a reason to walk a way. Lord knows other people are out as soon as one boundary gets crossed. I can empathize with you, and I'm still trying to figure out why we stay and torcher our souls.

I work fulltime too, it seems that is a passing thought when it comes to him accusing me of never being home. When it comes to my free time, I can honestly say for the last 2 years I have decided, I will do as I wish. I like to spend time with family, train at the gym ( that's my sanity/stress buster) and occasionally get together with friends for a coffee. That's how, I get grounded. He has never taken me out where he is responsible from start to finish for the date. Meaning planning where we would be going and not changing his mind 3 times before we get there and then just order in. Providing transportation, by driving his own car (it's filthy inside, he never cleans it), by paying for the whole date. He always throws in my face 1 penny he spends on anything, but he can afford to buy beer and recreational drugs. He works fulltime and makes the same as me. As financial partnerships go when married, I have helped him repair his bad credit, rewrite his driver's license, get insurance, cosign for a car and put all my income in a joint mtg account our entire relationship till the beginning of this year. He would clean out the bank account of my income that was to go towards bills. He did this a total of 2 times and that was it for me. Once because I went for a coffee with my girlfriend and the other time when I went to the women's shelter to get away from his manic episode.

There's more, but I need a coffee now cheers 🙂

[NatalieS]

 @balanceseeker thinking of you.