Topic Tuesday // 24 Nov, 7pm AEDT // Taking control of anger, and not letting anger control you

[Former-Member]

Yes @CherryBomb 

It is important to understand how we as individuals tend to express our anger. In general, people may have a tendency to express their anger in either a passive or aggressive way. 

Being aggressive often means that we violate the rights of others. We might intimidate, humiliate or disregard the needs of others in order to get our own way. On the other hand, being passive means we violate our own rights. For example, we may struggle to speak up about an issue that is important to us, even though we feel angry. This can lead to feelings of resentment, hostility, bitterniss or spite, and these feelings may spill out from time to time.

A healthier way to express our anger is by being assertive about our wants and needs. A common misconception is that in order to be assertive, one has to be aggressive, but that is not so. Being assertive means confidently communicating your needs in a clear, direct and respectful way, while being prepared to negotiate with others. When we are assertive we respect both our own needs and the needs of others. 

[CherryBomb]

@Former-Member do you have some practical advice about how we can practice being assertive?

[Shaz51]

hi Jacques                      Yes, my husband get angry with me for being so calm and in control , some of my comments gets to him

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member With assertiveness, sometimes in relationships this just doesn't seem to work. For example, when we have to bring up issues that are of concern but which have already been brought up many times in the past with no resolution or improvement occurring. Over a long relationship, this has led to some degree of passive aggression in both my partner and I in the way we relate to each other. That's not everything about our relationship by any means, but it does trouble us both at times I think.

[CherryBomb]

Oohh my, time has flown by tonight. We have 30 minutes left, so now is the time to ask any questions so we have time to address them. 

[Former-Member]

Learning how to be assertive can be difficult, especially if you have operated in either a passive or aggressive mode for a long time. However, practise makes progress!

It can be helpful to dedicate some time to visualise or role-play constructive anger management strategies. Perhaps consider a scenario that ordinarily would make you angry and imagine resolving the situation without anger. Try rehearsing this scenario with a friend, or practice saying things out loud in an assertive (rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive) way in front of the mirror.

Practice assertive communication using 'I' statements that clearly express how you feel, or what you need. Try to avoid using language that conveys blame, judgement or criticism towards others. Be prepared to negotiate with those around you and think "win, win". When we are being assertive, we aim to show equal respect both to ourselves and to those around us. 

[Billamba]

@Former-Member
Do you consider anger and frustration to be the same thing?
I don't consider myself an angry person but I do get frustrated with others quite quickly. An example of this would be when people I work with don't do their jobs correctly and it puts extra pressure or expectations on me to correct it I tend to get very frustrated and at times can't see past that frustration I feel towards them.

[Mazarita]

Just squeezing in one more question but it's okay if we run out of time before it's answered. How does everyone feel about the idea that depression may sometimes be an expression of unexpressed anger? I wonder about this theory that I've seen quite a few times, how valid it might or might not be, and what that might say about my long term struggle with depression as part of bipolar.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jacques welcome to the conversation 🙂 It sounds like you have a lot of insight into how you're feeling when you are angry. That insight is an incredible gift and skill to have, and it's something we can all work on.

In terms of figuring out how to more constructively channel our anger, it is also important to consider ahead of time what situations that might trigger our anger. It can be helpful to recognise and make a list of situations or circumstances that make you angry (eg., noticing happy people around you). Knowing your triggers ahead of time can help you feel better prepared to handle them and stay in control when they do arise. 

Also it can be helpful to recognise what is happening in your body when your anger starts to rise (e.g., pounding heart, grinding teeth, tightness in the chest). Acknowledging those physical warning signs will give you a better opportunity to calm down and de-escalate the situation before things get out of hand. 

[CherryBomb]

Great question @Billamba. I look forward to hearing @Former-Member and other people's thoughts on this.

One thing @Former-Member that we haven't yet addressed is prevention. I think this can be really helpful in terms of stopping frustration before it turns into rage. @Former-Member can you tell us about triggers and warning signs of anger?