Career Chat // When you're worried about a colleague // CLOSED

[NikNik]

Sometimes you may notice your colleague is behaving differently … you notice your colleague is not quite the same as usual.

They’re behaving aggressively whereas they’re normally relaxed …

Withdrawn or  taking a lot of time off …

Going for many more breaks than usual …

Research shows it’s important to acknowledge when people are experiencing difficulties but . ..  what should you do about it? 

Telling a person to ‘cheer up’ may be perceived as an empty response to what could be a real problem.

So how do you approach your colleague? Do you initiate a conversation that could potentially be difficult for both of you? Or do you keep your comments to yourself in case you’re overstepping the mark?

In accordance with the research, the government has advocated a program about asking R U OK? There has been a strong campaign based around the idea that people should have deeper conversations to stop small problems becoming big issues. But just how well does that work in the real world? In the workplace?

On Friday’s CareerChat we’ll be discussing the important subject of how to have a conversation with a colleague you’re worried about, and we’ll be sharing some of our personal experiences, I hope you join us.

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[Former-Member]

Hi @NikNik

Not sure I can make the session.

How to have the conversation? RUOK? We have the campaign posters all over the office. Does it make a difference? I don't know, I don't think so. I'm generally a person that picks up moods in people but I shut myself off. When I, the one with the mental illness, see the campaign posters, I think what a lot of BS. Nobody really cares, nobody is even allowed to further ask if the other person (me) does not want to disclose it.

Why do I not want to disclose it? Well that's what has to be addressed. The stigma of the mentally ill.

I agree that the RUOK campaign is helpful to raise awareness for the normal ups and downs that colleagues may feel and are happy to share. I've had colleagues share with me their troubles at home, with their kids, with their physical health or their partners - but no one ever shared with me "I have a mental illness". I'm not sure if i ever will disclose my mental illness - so RUOK will only ever get a variety of answers: good when my day is ok and a flat fine when I have a shit day.

Sorry this campaign has been winding me up personally more than I find it helpful because it reminds me I am not ok.

[Renstar]

Thanks @Flower for your honest feedback around what we’re hoping to discuss today. I suppose the point of RUOKDay is to get people talking, and perhaps by talking it could lead to a point where people feel comfortable talking to their colleagues about their challenges, potentially including a mental illness. I know another idea behind the day is that a simple “how are you”, or an indication that someone cares enough to ask, can lighten up the day of someone who is dealing with negative feelings or is having a particularly bad day. But that of course is only the start. And if it also brings to the surface negative feelings or memories of stigma, then perhaps it is having the opposite effect. I'm really sorry that that has been the reality for you In any case, that’s what we’re hoping to talk about today. Not just RUOKDay, but any conversation with a colleague you’re worried about. It’s not an easy conversation to have, but I saw a post on Facebook this morning saying if a conversation seems hard, it’s probably worth having. Do you agree? How do you have that conversation?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renstar

you obviously got me on my angry foot yesterday 🙂

Taking stigma out of the way and forgetting about myself.

I ask people when I sense they are not ok. There are many different responses I get. Sometimes the person I ask bursts out in tears and I take the person outside or into a meeting room for privacy. Sometimes they don't want to talk and I gently tell them I am there for them if they need to talk, and I keep checking on them. I also advise anyone from the other gender that if they are more comfortable to talk to the same gender - who I think would be a good match talk to at work. I also offer people to approach management on their behalf if I am concerned - I only do so with their permission.

I also have people who check on me. I don't talk about my issues but people do ask if I'm ok and accept I don't want to talk about it. Sometimes they tell me about their kids, have a coffee with me, chat about general work stuff... So they are trying. And it does help. Even just knowing that if I needed to there would be people who can support is comforting to know.

So I would encourage everyone to just be human, interact at work, those are the people you spend most of your time with.

[Renstar]

Thanks @Former-Member .

It sounds like you have an exceptionally well-attuned radar for picking up on the feelings of your colleagues, and knowing how to proceed along the delicate path of discussing with them what’s wrong, and what could possibly be done about it. All your suggestions about dealing with issues with your colleagues sound really practical and sensible – taking them aside to talk if they are obviously struggling, offering support, even suggesting colleagues they could talk to. And I’m so glad to hear you do have some colleagues yourself who check up on you , even if those discussions don’t go as far as talking about mental illness as such. I have personally used simple conversation starters like “how’s the family?”, or even completely non-invasive stuff like “I like your dress”, just to start a conversation with a workmate who looks like they could do with a chat. Sometimes they lead to more intimate discussions about what’s wrong, sometimes the colleague simply is grateful that I’ve asked. The other difficulty, of course, is knowing what to look for. People send off different signals don’t they? What signs can we look for in our colleagues to show they might not be quite right?  

[NikNik]

Hi @Renstar

Do you have any tips on how to manage the conversations if they do get quite deep?

Should we tell someone? What is helpful to that person?

Thanks

[Renstar]

Hi @NikNik,

The best way to be helpful is to listen to that person.  Spend some time with them talking about their experiences, ask questions, and let them know that you are there for them.

If the conversation starts to get pretty deep, it may be most helpful to encourage that person to see a doctor for professional advice. You could support them by offering to help make an appointment or to find other information that may be helpful.  Many workplaces also have resources such as an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), which are free for staff to access.

You can show you care by asking them how their appointment went, checking in on them and reassuring them that you'll respect their privacy.

The only circumstance where I think you should tell someone about what you've heard, is if you are concerned for that person's safety.

[Renstar]

Thanks to @Flower and @NikNik for chatting with us today about how to help a colleague you may be worried about.  

As shared by @Flower, the best help is sometimes just being there for that person, listening to their worries and reassuring them that you're there for them.  If the conversation starts to get a bit deep, and you think it may be more than just a "bad day", it may be better to help them seek professional support.

Next week we will be talking about how to handle difficult feedback from a manager.  I'm sure this is something we've all encountered! I look forward to sharing our experiences together and talking about what you can do to make the experience a more mentally healthy one.

🙂