New/yet not so new

[Raksha2005]

TW: Abuse, Suicide Attempt

As much as I would like to say that I am new to all of this, I really do not think that I am. I was diagnosed with bipolar almost 3 years ago and since the diagnosis was really starting to get a grip on life.

Content/trigger warning

Last year I hit a bump in the road when i was assaulted which sent me back again, Then 9months later my 14yr old daughter's mental health went down hill. Attempted suicide, self harm, admissions to the psych ward, this year she has even tried to strangle me. 

I am no longer allowed to go to work as she refuses to go to school and has been so erratic in her behaviours, I am so lost. My children are my life and yet right now. I just do not know how much more I have in me to give. I am trying so hard to continue to engage. I will make a cup of tea/coffee and just sit by her door and continue to tell her that I am here. She will come out of her room and have pleasant discussions then someone says something and its all over and she is hammering us. Today I felt so guilty and scared going out (family picnic with my other children) because she refused to go. How do people get through this? If I am on my own she is like a tap one minute warm the next minute stone cold, to the point that I am scared. 

Scared of what? I am so tired and scared of her hurting herself, her hurting me or my husband, my other children getting hurt, me failing and/or doing the wrong thing. I feel like I have no support and advice on this situation. I love my daughter and my family so much, but I am not sure how much longer I have got left in me. 

Any advice on getting through this, would be great! Please!

[Valiant83]

You are so strong @Raksha2005 

I have no specific advice, because I believe each of us knows our situations better than anyone else could possibly know or understand, and that we hear or see our own solutions rather than be ‘told’ what to do … if that makes sense?

What I can hear in your words is how much you love your daughter, which maybe is exactly what she’s wanting to know … I find it’s so bizarre that our children have this funny way of testing how much love is available to them by getting angry at us … and my experiences showed me I did actually have more to give so maybe that’s where I should have started??? 🤣😳

Anyway, I just had to be sure to get some respite from the constant challenge my son presented … I could always ‘see’ what was happening so much more clearly when I had  proper sleep, tasty food and some fun activities. 

*big love* to you 

[hanami]

@Raksha2005 

Hi! So sorry to read about how challenging things are at the moment. Have you looked at the carers organisations to see if they have supports that you may be able to use? There is Carer's Australia and then there are others in each state.

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[Blackbird11]

Hello @Raksha2005 

Your love shines through and you are not alone in this...You Are Not Alone (sane.org). we are here for you by any means here...Contact us (sane.org). Hope this is useful 🙂

[tyme]

Hi @Raksha2005 , 

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like there has been so much happening for you on top of your own mental health.

Does your daughter have a diagnosis or professional supports in place for her? I hear how erratic her behaviour has been, despite your kindness and patience towards her.

I'm wondering if this article will be helpful for you in terms of your daughter's school refusal?

I can relate to what you are sharing in terms of erratic behaviour (one minute warm and fuzzy, and the next minute stone cold). Not because I have cared for someone showing these behaviours, but because THIS was the way I behaved. Inside, I was so emotionally unstable that I lashed out at times, while 'over-loved' people at other times. What helped me was when the people around me set and communicated clear boundaries. e.g. it's okay to be upset but it's not okay to be physically violent. 

This helped me immensely because it helped me develop trust with the person/people. 

It sounds like your daughter is hurting.

Be there for her, tell her you love her, walk away when she attempts to hurt you. You need to protect yourself.