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enngem
Contributor

Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Hello, 

I've previously posted about caring for my husband over the past now 9 months. Brief run-down: 

- started with poor sleep, low self confidence, obsessing about relationships with people at work

- developed into suspicious behaviour about me, accusing me of having an affair, becoming lesbian, coming out at work, tampering with his dashcam, turning our son against him, making up stories about him to tell other people, turning my family against him. He started looking through my phone, Facebook and email accounts while I was asleep trying to find 'evidence' to support his theories

- none of his suspicions are correct

- a few months ago I reminded him of some of the despicable things he had said and done to me and he appeared to not remember doing or saying them at all

- he started seeing a psychologist who treated him for PTSD and childhood trauma (emotionally abusive father)

- at advice of my psychologist, I spoke to this psychologist, our GP and got him in to a psychiatrist. I tried describing my observations to all these professionals but no one knee what to do

- psychiatrist told me possible Delusional Jealousy requiring meds for psychosis.

- further discussions with them, and they shut me off. Psychiatrist later told us it isn't anything he could diagnose and we should see a relationship counsellor. He did say it could related to childhood trauma and being abandoned by both his parents at one time or another but didn't really confirm this. 

- many sessions with a relationship counsellor (clinical psychologist) who I believe was bamboozled by the whole idea that my husband had created all these scenarios in his head, and that none of them were true. Towards the end, I felt inwad being attacked by her in our sessions, she even said I should never have gone to the psychs to talk about my husband, and kept asking me why I'm still here, abd kept questioning what I had done to contribute to this situation (I kept telling her I hadn't done anything!) 

- my relationships with is friends and his mum have been destroyed because he told them lies about me and they believed him, even enabled him. 

 

Hubby has been able to somehow switch this stuff off for the most part. I don't know how. But life is seemingly getting back to some kind of normal. 

The last 9 months have been hell though. I have cried, and screamed, and thrown things, and I'm ashamed to say I even spat in his face during one of his accusatory arguments with me. 

The way he has treated me has been appalling. Even though I know he couldn't really help it. I've never felt so hopeless in all my life. 

 

Now I am constantly going over everything in my mind. Remembering situations where he accused me of something ridiculous; proving to myself again and again that what he has said isn't even possible; worrying about the next family event where I'll be forced to see his mother who I used to love but who treated me like rubbish throughout all of this; wondering what will happen if he ever does it again; worrying about where I will live and if I will be able to get the kids out safely; feeling sad even snow because of everything that's happened this year. I no longer see our GP as I don't trust her anymore, I don't think his psychologist has a good understanding of what's going on or how to help, and the relationship counsellor I think didn't understand either abd was actually gaslighting me towards the end. 

 

I have tried so hard to help him and to find put what's going on so he can get some help to stop it. 

 

I just want to know why he started behaving like this. What is it called? Will it happen again? Who can I trust if it happens again? If it's not Delusional Jealousy then what is it? How could he just switch it off after being so consumed by it for months and months? 

 

And also, am I experiencing some kind of secondary trauma because of everything he's done to me during the year? 

 

I wish I could explain it more. I wish I could go and see someone who would say "ah ha! I know what this is, and this is what we can do to help him". 

The feeling that nobody is listening and nobody believes me is so overwhelming and so isolating and lonely. 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Hello @enngem and welcome.

Gosh that sounds very heavy and no wonder you feel like you do.

I'm listening 🤗

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much and have no one to listen and no where to turn. 

May I suggest a new therapist just for you? Someone you can talk to, work through your thoughts? It's a lot and getting things off your chest will help you see clearly eventually. In the mean time there is us here. You aren't alone there are many here without judgement with similar stories and challenges. 

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Anastasia,
Very nourishing advice.

Dockers6

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Thank you 🙂
I have my own psychologist and I'm going to keep seeing her to work through this.

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Hello @enngem 

That is good news. Are you doing ok tonight?

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

 

Hi enngem,

Your message brings back memories, my Mum had the same issues. My Mum has always had something a bit unusually odd about her, slightly worrying but not too bad that we had to seek help.   Then all of a sudden, she started coming home saying people at work were talking about her behind her back, saying terrible stuff about her.  I was only 16yo at the time, but it got progressively worse. Mum was driving me early to work one morning for stocktake counting, I worked partime in retail, we were to start early at 7am instead of 9am, she went bollistick at me,  saying I was going to work in St Kilda to be a prostitue and I was catching a bus after she dropped me off at work, so I could get there behind her back!   I can laugh at it now, because it was so stupid and fancy staying that to your 16yo daughter?  She was really unwell, she would never normally say that about me ever. This was in the late 80s and quite different to treatment now, she was locked up in a mental hosipital for about 3 months, came out and was on heavy med's for years where the meds slowed her brain right down. She walk like a zombie, it was pretty bad at the time.   

I can't even tell you what she had, as I was too young, it was just called paranoia and severe depression, thats all I was told. I am surprised though that your hubby hasn't been diagnosed as yet, because I'm pretty sure this kind of behavour is textbook paranois/depression.   Plus I don't think it's uncommon or unusual.  Don't worry about your Mother in law, she knows something is up, it's just a Mother & Son thing, plus he's told her horrible stories about you anyway!  She'll see strange things in his behaviour too, everyone will, it just takes time. Stay strong and know it's not anything you;ve done wrong, your a beautiful supportive wife, and tell your kids, Dad is just going through something now and ignore the bad stuff he may say, it's not really him. get help as quickly as you can and research the best clinical pyscologists you can find in your area.  Good luck XXOO 

 

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

are you okay now?

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Thanks for checking in. I'm OK. 

I just feel sad about the things he's said to me. Some of it is so offensive. 

 

I found out I've got a medical problem today and I was quite sad when I got home. He didn't ask me why, didn't give me a hug. Didn't seem to care at all. I don't know what I've done wrong...

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

Good morning @enngem 

 

I am so sorry to hear your pain.  You have done nothing wrong.  This is not your fault.  Please dont go down to the depression mode as you children need you to be alert and protective for them.  I dont know their age but this could be very confusing for them.  My dad is like that towards my mum for over 15 years and it started when I was 26 years old.  Even then I was confused and angry.  He would say horrible things to mum and make her life hell. It wasnt domestic voilence or anything just like what you wrote.. Paranoid, accusing mum of things and just saying things that wasnt true.  

 

He is now diagnosed and he has frontal left vascular dementia.  This means he has no empathy towards anyone.  He is now so selfish and unwilling to do anything unless its for him.

 

Mum is now seeing a Counsellor but this has been going on for a long time even when we were teenagers.  He has been deteriorating since then but wasnt that bad until my twenties.  What I am trying to say is go and see a therapist for you and also for your children as this affects them too.  I see relationships as a thing that the woman must tolerate alot of things and fear relationships.  Meanwhile my little sister who is 10 years younger than I was had Counsellor and has no relationships fears.  

 

Be strong and please dont think this is your fault.  Find soem peace for you and if you need to move to a safe place, please do.

 

Be safe.. 

Re: Undiagnosed/unknown mental health issues

I never got the opportunity to have a partner, wife, so sorry, cannot comment. Best of luck.

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