I don’t know how to help

[Friendd]

I have this friend who has BPD and she's manic right now. She lost her Nana during the last COVID lockdown and she hasn't been able to face the death in a healthy way. Last time I saw her she told me she hasn't cried yet but now she's taking Alprazolam and doing things that she doesn't remember doing. I think the Alprazolam is to forget about all the pain in her life because losing her nana was too much to handle. The Alprazolam is bought from a dealer and I don't know who her dealer is to tell them to stop selling to her. She doesn't respond to my texts or calls when I try to reach out (probably knowing that I will try to stop her). I care about her so much and I'm a situation like this i feel so lost. She lives alone and has only moved out from her parents house in the last couple of months. I want her to be safe but I never know if she is now that she's living alone. She has been sending me messages telling me she's had days that she can't remember and last night she was sending me messages with 4 Alprazolam in her mouth meaning she's probably taking more than 4 a day. She is on lithium too but I'm not sure if she's taking it and I know she drinks alcohol some times too. Please let me know if there's anything I can do that shows I care and doesn't force her to get the help she needs. I am so worried about her and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help her without losing her trust. She is one of my closest friends and I just want to find a way I can help even a little bit in this situation. 

[AussieRecharger]

@Friendd 

First things first.. Are you okay?  You can't save your friend if you not.  There are numbers on the side of this forum  ---> if you or your friend need to talk. 

Do her parents know that all of this information?

Probably the first thing you should do is set some boundaries. Let her know that you care about her but attention-seeking during drug use is not something you want to be part of.

Let her know that you are there for her if she wants to honour her Grandparent in a constructive way, such as cooking a meal she would have liked, burning a candle and listening to music she liked, etc... 

If you feel her life is in danger at any time, please call the police. 

@BPDSurvivor --- You would have better advice than i....

[Friendd]

I am okay. I’ve been around this friend for a while and I know not to get too invested in trying to help this person because they will always push me away.
I know if I contact her parents they will take her back home and she will never trust me again and will probably never talk to me again. Her parents are really strict and have never been able to truly understand her struggles. They always forced her to do things that made her worse because she felt like she couldn’t trust them telling them what’s wrong. She knows that none of our friends are okay with drugs and I think that’s why she’s ignoring me because she knows I’ll tell her to get help or stop and she doesn’t want to hear that. She won’t talk about her nana and when I did bring it up she changed the subject even when I tried to explain that I experienced something similar she just brushed it off and started talking about something else. It’s such a hard situation. I’ve tried to get another one of my friends just to see if they can get a response from her so we know she’s there. I don’t know what else I can do. Thank you for your response

[Owlunar]

Hi @Friendd 

I understand about your predicament with your friend. I am glad you are aware of how over-investment in her life could work badly. Yes - you do care about her - that is obvious

She is ignoring your supportive suggestions - but she rings you when she has memory lapses. This is double signalling and hard to manage. I have had experience with this attitude a long way in the past. There is really nothing much you can do.

It is really tough. All you can do is to ask her what she wants from you when she rings when she has lost memories. Pin her down at that point. Really, she doesn't want to change her habits - it's is pretty hard and she does need help but won't seek it.

It's is so hard for you - this I really understand. It doesn't seem as if her parents would be helpful but contacting them might be your only course - true - she doesn't want to do what they suggest and you might lose her trust. Is that the worst that can happen?

It is not easy when she rings with her loss of memories but won't take any suggestion. That is the sticking point

I am glad you are looking after yourself. Perhaps it would be good if you took a break from her - don't answer her calls if you are stressed  about it - or send her a text asking her what she really wants for you

All the best - and I am glad you posted

Dec

[Friendd]

I have been through her side offering my support every time something happens, but she doesn’t accept help or accept that there is a issue. I’m keeping myself busy and making sure I’m not the only one aware of her issues. I have 2 of our friends offering her support and making sure she’s safe.
Next time she calls I’m going to ask her if there’s anything I can do and tell her that I’m always here. But she won’t listen she’s the sort of person that has to wait for herself to change her actions she doesn’t listen to anyone and blocks out anyone who tries to help. I’ve learnt not to take her issues onto myself I’m just trying to figure out what is best to do. I’m going to give it a few days and if she’s still going taking heaps of substances I’m going to contact her parents and let them know that they should give her a visit. I don’t think they check up on her even though she moved to a house that is 1 block away from them. But I understand her parents are also dealing with the loss of their parent and at this point going to her parents right away might make the situation a lot worse. Thank you for your guidance.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Friendd ,

Sounds like the PACER or CATT team is required. 

Calling the police may bring a big fear and absolutely send your friend off.

Your area mental health team (triage) would be your first point of call. 

You are NOT responsible for the actions of your friend. Neither should you carry the burden of your friend's actions. She/He needs formal care involved.

BPDSurvivor

[Owlunar]

Hi @Friendd 

It sounds as if you are a very loyal and thoughtful friend - you are sticking by your friend which has to be good and you have a plan - I am glad to read this

I hope things work out you and all your friends here

Dec

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Friendd ,

How are things? Just checking in.

BPDSurvivor

[manpreetrockerj]

I am glad you are looking after yourself. Perhaps it would be good if you took a break from her - don't answer her calls if you are stressed  about it - or send her a text asking her what she really wants for you