TW-Mentions physical abuse.
UPDATE: My dr is okay, she was in bed with a migraine and she thought she text me but it didn't go through! All is well.
First of all, I want to emphasize that I am very blessed to have a psychiatrist. Very Very fortunate, I know so many people (my best friend included) who also have complex mental health issues and need the help I have in my doctor and cannot find the same level of support I have stumbled upon. And I know there are so many more people out there in need too.
I got very lucky. I am not rich but I do have a complex mental health diagnosis and somehow I was matched with a doctor that specialises in the area of my diagnosis and somehow my financial circumstances have been taken into account so that I can see her.
We have had weekly appointments on Sundays at 8 am for over 2 years. She works holidays and public holidays and weekends but takes a long holiday once a year to make up for her long hours.
We had an appointment scheduled for today at 8am and for the first time ever she did not show up. I have received no email or phone message.
This is not like her at all and I believe something very serious must have happened for this to occur. It's 4:46 pm right now and I still haven't heard anything.
If I'm honest this situation has me terrified.
I'm trying to not imagine the worst case scenario.
I've had a really tough time lately. A friend of mine who I considered to be basically a brother passed away in late December. I wasn't able to attend his funeral as it was overseas and I'm not in the mental place to be able to pull off international travel safely. Espescially to that place which brings up a lot of trauma for me that I'm still working on. So that made me feel like the biggest pile of human crap, to not be there for that as everyone knows I should have been.
I was then cut off by my father, who no longer wants to speak to me because we had a fight after I told him that my partner and I were planning to get married on Jan 7th, just something small at the registry office, but it triggered my father who has sociopathic tendencies to do something weird where he decided to 'apologise' for an instance of physical abuse against me where he knocked me unconsious. Which he has never admitted to any of his physical abuse before, but his facts were all wrong and as much as I tried to tell him that I didn't want to talk about it and the past is the past, he kept pushing me until I broke and told him what he really did, which was much worse than his version. to which he responded by telling me that what I was saying couldn't be true because if that was true I wouldn't have a relationship with a monster like him. So the fact that I had him in my life was the evidence that I was lying about what he did.
He told me I'm a psycho and need more therapy and he never wants to speak to me again, and blocked me.
That was days before my 'wedding' but I couldn't cope and couldn't go through with it under the circumstances. Thankfully my partner of 10 years gets it and will wait until I can feel happy enough to do that properly.
Meanwhile, we have been embroiled in a legal situation for 9 months where despite people doing damage to our property we are likely to never recover our damages or legal fees because our previous solicitor messed up and now our current solicitor can't 'unmake that omelet'. Which means I'm going to have to let men who bullied, harrassed, manipulated, lied to me and stood over me, back on to the property. Which is massively massively triggering my PTSD.
I was hoping that I could go to hospital and be away from it while it's happening and it's one thing I wanted to talk to my dr about today as she has admitting rights to a hospital I've spent some time in and feel safe in.
We run a small business and I have not caught up on the back work from Christmas break and I'm supposed to do everything to do with numbers but for the past two weeks I've been struggling with 3-5 panic attacks a day. Despite being heavily medicated, my resting heart rate is in the 90's. Number's do not look like numbers to me any more and I am the only one that can do my job but I can't do it. And ironically, because of the lawyer stuff we've never needed the money more.
And we need to know where we stand but I'm just struggling so much with that.
I used to drink alcohol to get a break from this kind of onslaught of emotions and dissappointments but I'm 42 now and I'm finally learning that if I drink today tomorrow will be so much worse and not any better. But it takes a whole heap of willpower which I don't know where is coming from to not drink.
Also, my other friend of 20 years, who is like a sister to me, is experiencing her own whole mental breakdown for completely legitimate reasons but she has no access to support, I am her only support at the moment, and she is mine as well, but I don't want to put my stuff on her as I HAVE A DR and she doesn't. I wanted to ask my doctor today how I got the help I got. What kind of program I'm on, or how can I get this for my friend.
But again, my Dr did not show up, and I've heard NOTHING. This is NOT LIKE HER. My wonderful Dr is very prompt, very communicative, she would understand that I would be concerned today and she would not want me to feel this way. I am worried about her. I am truly truly worried that she is not OK.
If you've read this far thank you. thank you. thank you. And I'm sorry it's alot.
I hope that you are finding some peace or support on here today. ❤️
