dBPD

[PC17]

HI Everyone,

this is my first time on any forum so a bit nervous discussing this. i have been diagnosed with OCD and GAD and have personality traits of BPD too. i am not sure whether this is my fear or what but i really struggle with trusting friends and keeping them long-term for more than few years.

anything that they do - like not messaging back, not calling me, cancelling plans too often or saying something mean etc can make me question whether they are good friends or they care about me and i start distancing myself from them in my head. but then i constantly think about the situation in spite of other things happening in my life and constantly worry and feel anxious from all that fear and thinking. i cant relax until they respond or the situation gets fixed. i know its irrational to react so negatively about things that maybe some people don't even pay attention to or my friends don't even think about. please suggest any strategies that can help as i cant stop worrying about it.

thanks 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @PC17,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us. I understand your feelings around being a bit nervous posting for the first time - I think a lot of people may feel that way but please know you are in a safe and anonymous space with many supportive members.

I really feel for you and understand a bit about how you feel around feeling anxious when you are waiting to hear back from family / friends. 

In most cases it doesn't phase me too much if I send a message and don't hear back for a while but there are a couple of people in my life where it does make me a little anxious / worried. In my case I came to realise it was due to feelings from my past when a close relative would ignore me if they were angry with me as a way of punishing me. I'm not saying this is the case for you but I am wondering if there may be something in your past that you might think could be part of the reason you may become anxious and worried when people don't respond?

When this happens now (if I worry if someone hasn't responded) I try to think they may be busy, they may be at work, they may be struck in traffic and can't respond, etc. I try to think of things that may be happening for them where that can't respond at the time - reminding myself that the lack of response probably has nothing to do with me. 

I hope you are okay and I hope it helps a little to know that others can relate to what you are saying

Warm regards,

FloatingFeather

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[hanami]

Hi @PC17 

Welcome to the forums, it's great to have you here.

I used to be a lot like this myself with friends not getting back to me and cancelling plans. Worry is such a time-consuming all-encompassing blight on our lives. My middle name should be worry, I was once told by my husband. My kids are worriers too so inherited it. I used to fight my worry, like try to totally get rid of it but that just made it worse. I learned a type of acceptance that yes I will worry but these worries I have are just thoughts, not facts. Their is no evidence behind them. It's taken a long time for me to get to a better point and I had the help of a really good psychologist. Do you have someone you can talk to about how much you worry?

Sending warmest wishes

Hanami

[Historylover]

Personally, @PC17, I consider your questioning of your acquaintances to be well-founded. I have experienced the same but do not have any answers for you. Trust your instincts but don't overreact. Spread yourself widely and don't select friends, just keep your options open until you find some worthy of your friendship.

[Taleme]

@PC17 

Hi there this is my first time in a forum and I am a little nervous but here goes. 

 I so understand this as I too do the same thing. This is how I deal with it now. 

When this happens I remind myself how my friend has supported me, accepted and loved me and that they have never harmed me. 
This wasn’t easy especially at the start but I remind myself that sometimes my thinking is a little wobbly due to my mental health and I also remind myself of the love I felt for that person before the let’s call it triggering event. it still takes me around 2 weeks to be ok with that person and that’s ok for now. I do make sure that I stay away from them and only communicate by txt that way I have much more control of what I communicate. Once I have come back to a loving place, there are times that I will let the person know what I was going through, discuss the event, most probably shed a tear or two with a bear hug but only with people I know I’m safe with. 

different things help different people but always remember that you are not alone and things do get better. 🙏🏼

[Jasper_123]

Hi @PC17 , firstly; welcome to the forum! 

I have BPD too and what you're describing is 'splitting' 

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8zx0PfX5V8 ) 

I find this part of my BPD very challenging especially in my romantic relationship - the way I deal with it is recognising it for what it is and monitoring it. Do you feel like ending your friendships when you're in a good headspace? Part of life is that people aren't always going to reply to you straight away and that is not a reflection of you as a person! A big part of having BPD is finding ways to build your self esteem to combat your fear of abandonment. 

[Tcw]

Think my wife has this she pointed it out to me. We have been together for 14 years and it has been an extremely up and down relationship. It has included physical violence. Verbal abuse anything you can think of. I have 2 episodes of depression and I'm currently in the middle of one. I have given up hope and I'm now living with my elderly parents. Depressed and completely broken unable to work. It has been so hard. I still care for hurt because we have been through so much unable to have a child, going through ivf on several attempts and costing 40 grand and going through the extreme emotional problems that cause and physical and verbal abuse. I'm a broken man now and see no hope. I have given up on life now. I have just my parents and my sister who are trying to protect me from myself. I'm sorry for complaining. All I wanted to have a normal life. It was impossible I was never good enough, in my wifes eyes and everything was my fault. We couldn't have a baby,I was reason she hated my mother and she hated all my friends and I have not seen then in years. I'm sitting in my child hood bed room at 47. Thinking what to do now with my life. I feel like killing myself but I can't ì promised my parents I wouldn't do it. So I just live

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Tcw welcome to the forums.

What a hard journey you've had. I appreciate the vulnerability and courage it takes to share your story here. 

I can hear how hard things feel currently, I'm glad that you have such strong family supports in your sister and your parents. Have you reached out to any additional supports before?

I hear that you have promised not to act on your thoughts, but if you feel you need additional support with this please don't hesitate to contact the following crisis lines for more immediate support.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

Samaritans: 0863 839 850

If in immediate danger: 000 

[ChouxieChou]

Hey mate,

I got you. I feel this so painfully 

You are 40ish?
We had so much aspirational media and the best songs, man!

You had grandparents who experienced the depression and or ww2?

Vietnam parents maybe?

Cold War, stranger danger, the IRA, ETA et al. So much crazy all around us, and we were always hyper vigilant but hopeful that the worst that would befall us was depicted in Poltergeist..the kicker was, on tv..all families were perfect and supportive. 
This hits me like a tonne of bricks, I don’t live a life that is sitcom worthy, my house isn’t nice..and I don’t own it. 
Ferris played hooky,I emulated Ferris and ended up worse off than Cameron. 
we thought everything would be easy because we heard, everyday about how hard life can be. 
Is this a bit of your feelings? 

I’m so nostalgic for the 80s and that was an era when the worst things happened to me, but the 80s were a promise of better days?

[BabyBear]

What is DBPD?