out of control

[habitualfail]

im a 25 yr old female but this year my life has been completely out of control. ive struggled with issues like this before but not to this extent. i do not work and spend most days at home alone. i have unlimited free time but spend most of it in my head overthinking and stressing. its a struggle to shower every day, get dressed, eat, sleep, brush my teeth etc and more regularly i will neglect those things for days. 

most weekends i get completely wasted on drugs and alcohol and do embaressing/weird/retarded/awful things and then spend sunday without sleep, freaking out and hating myself. i will then spend the next week trying to recover and gain control/improve/break the habit but by next saturday i am doing it again. my few friends and family have now noticed this pattern and seem to be frustrated with me and over the constant bullshit i cause myself. 

i don't want to take my life but i also have no will to live. 

i could do with the distraction of other people's thoughts and experiences. thanks

[JoseJones]

@habitualfail,

I want to take the opportunity to welcome you to the forum.  This forum depends on its members being brave enough to open up about their feelings and experiences and share them with others, and it's always nice to have a new member take the time to do so.  Thank you for sharing your experience with us.  

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so down on yourself.  I'm sure the cyclical nature of your moods is familiar to many people on this forum, as is the use of substances as a strategy for dealing.  Perhaps @kato, @Troubled_One and @AllAboutMissy can share their experiences on this front?

I'm also concerned to hear that you feel as if you have lost the will to live.  Do you have support people you can turn to when you are feeling like this?  Please remember that you could also talk about how you're feeling on the phone with Lifeline on 13 11 14.  It can be relieving to verbalise how you feel sometimes.

[Appleblossom]

A few of us on the forum have given up drugs or are in the process of doing it ... as habits change, ideas about life and where we might fit .. or what is possible also change .. drugs are often a distraction too.

Have you managed to approach any youth workers or counsellors ... eg Mindspace ... that might be able to help.

[AllAboutMissy]

@habitualfail I can totally relate to your feelings my dear, and as scary, hopeless, helpless and out of control you may feel now, it will change.

I have Bipolar Type 1 and lived a life of chaos and destruction with drugs, partying, promiscuity, lying, shoplifting for years and like you would experience those feelings of guilt when "sober" and in "recovery'. 

I also used to feel like I didn't want to live, not because I wanted to die, but because I was so confused and terrified by my actions and thoughts.

I don't know whether you've been diagnosed with anything, but go to a doctor, tell them about how you feel and what has been going on.

they will decide what is the best treatment plan and way to move forward.

There is a light at the tunnel, and i'll be honest with you, since my diagnosis in 2008 i'm only just now starting to get well and be in recovery.

I was a little bit older than you then, and due to my actions as a result of Bipolar symptoms had impacted on my life in a tremendous way.

I'm now well, in recovery and the crazy dangerous behaviour is a thing of the past. I've learnt to recognise my triggers, keep myself calm and no longer desire to behave that way anymore.

I wish you all the best but please get help. You are young and have so much potential xx

[Tight-Control]

Hi @habitualfail,

I had a wry smile on my face as I read the toughts you put down.

I can relate totally to how you feel. having felt the same way when i was younger. The chaos. having too much time on my hands and the self care issues.

Endless thoughts spinning out of control. Smashing a million brain cells on the weekend .

The good news is I am 47 now and quite well. The journey you are on is yours and yours alone. BUT you can get help to make it easier and worthwhile.

As AllAboutMissy said . have you seen a GP and had a chat about the way you feel and what you want to change.

There are no quick fixes that i am aware of , but that moment when you first reah out like you have here can be pivotal in YOUR RECOVERY journey.

Oddly reading between the lines it appears you have a lot that you can contribute..

make small "goals for yourself" try for a shower every 2nd day . make it achievable then start stretching it , you never know how far you can reach

[BeachsideMUM]

Hi I know this was along time ago but if u get this I'd love to chat with you. I'm in narcotics anonymous (na) and it's amazing look them up if your ever sick of the cycle. I was like you of and on with my dug use and though it was me mainly not the drugs ruining my life. Once you have been off them for a while u understand it's the drugs. Good luck 😀