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Casual Contributor

how do I go on?

My husband has chronic anxiety and recurrent depression. We have two kids aged 12 and 9. I work and support us all financially. He works but makes little money in the arts. He constantly seeks approval and fears rejection. If I ask him a question he snaps at me thinking I am criticising him. He has a bad temper and can attach me for hours telling me I don’t love him. One time he was so mad he told me ‘if I loved him I would butter him chocolate cake’ even though he hates chocolate cake. It’s just an example of how insane the part of him that feels unloveable is. But recently it has gotten out of hand. He has gained a lot of weight and  drinks more. He has a recurrence if depression. He has tried therapy (4 different types) and medication but he really doesn’t changs. I am burnt out. I have tried everything to support and help him, whilst managing everything at home for years, along with the random abuse. I just don’t have any emostly left and it’s worries me. How can I go on? If I stop being myself (or trying to get things to change) I fear i’ll Become passive aggressive because i’ll Be so unhappy. I really need support for myself from a group like this. I had therapy for years and I’m very happy and healthy with everything else in my life. I don’t want to leave my anxious and depressed husband but I don’t know how to relate to him now I have lot my empathy.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: how do I go on?

Hello @Tally and welcome to the forum

letting you know that you are not alone my friend

my husband used to say things that were very upsetting to me , remember they do say things they dont mean

I have taged some other carers @Darcy@Determined, @Sherry, @Jupiter, @Adge

@TallyI will tag you in the other thread called carers hints and tips

Re: how do I go on?

 Hi @Tally  and welcome to the forum.

As shaz mentioned many of us here can relate to what you are saying. I trust you can find the support you need here. It is definitely a safe space to come and discuss our feelings without judgement. Getting support for you is most important as it is no fun being burnt out. 

I support my wife who lives with bpd so understand in some way the fear of rejection and constant need for reassurance as well as the other aspects you mention. 

 

I try to cope and  move forward by separating the illness from my darling when it comes the negative personality traits. In recent times though I have had to implement some boundaries around behaviour as in a lot of ways I was enabling bad behaviour (and I hate calling it that but it is what it is), I had a good councillor point this out to me and help me with implementing some boundaries while my darling was in hospital. Here is a link to the thread where I talk about these boundaries, it may be helpful for you. As mentioned in this thread I like to think of boundaries as loving guidelines to make life easier not rules to be enforced. The theory behind it as pointed out by my councillor is that these boundaries serve to reduce anxiety through dependable outcomes. For my darling if she already knows the response to  a situation then it provides a sense of security reducing anxiety. It is still a work in progress (we have over 18 years of bad habits to break)  but it has made a positive difference for us.  Before this I was constantly reassuring my darling that I would never leave and it wax almost like she was testing me to see if I meant it (at some subconscious level, at least I like to think it was not deliberate), 

Happy to answer any questions where I can about this. 

Re: how do I go on?

Thank-you Shaz. I’m interested to read that your husband ‘used to’ say hurtful things. How has this changed and over what period of time?

Re: how do I go on?

Thank-you for your reply, Determined. I had a read of your post in your other thread and that was helpful. 

One problem I have is how destructive to the relationship he can be when his temper snaps due to his constant internal critic. He becomes quite mad/insane with paranoia and says very hurtful things eg that I don’t love him. He will insist that I don’t love him and cite examples of my normal everyday behaviour and twist it into ‘evidence’ that I don’t love him. I get very hurt by how angry and insulting he becomes. It’s is this hurt feeling that is causing the burn out. I don’t feel like I have a husband anymore. I haven’t got someone who cares about me and my feelings because he is caught up in his own crazy self destructive thoughts and acting out based on those. 

In the past I have been able to forgive and feel hopeful but something feels broken inside me since Christmas. When we were packing to go away he attacked me out of the blue (he had reasons but they are quite mad eg I sent him a romantic song in a text which I do daily but this song reminded him of a movie with an unhappy couple). When I told him he was reacting to criticism which wasn’t there (something we had already sorted through in an online course is couple therapy) and got really angry and started in with the ‘it’s true, you are criticising me, you don’t love me’ for three hours until I asked him to leave.

I’m not sure how to look after myself. It’s feels hopeless to protect myself from him all the time, what’s the point of a marriage like that? But something in me has been unable to let him back into my heart since his latest attack. Like I have lost hope and definitely lost empathy. 

He relies on me for everything and when I withdraw from this ‘parenting’ dynamic he feels rejected. And when he feels like this the whole household is effected. He’s sullen and moody and snaps and is irritable when he thinks he is being rejected.

its really hard not to wish I had a healthy partner who would be able to enjoy this beautiful life we have.

Re: how do I go on?

@Tally sorry for the late reply. Have had a family day out and only catching up now.

 

I think a lot of the emotions you are expressing here are normal. Well they are normal for me anyway as I can relate to much of what you are saying here. 

 

-It’s is this hurt feeling that is causing the burn out-  I can definatly relate to this  as I struggle with rejection.

I have had periods when I have lost hope and empathy and love but thankfully these times pass as I hope it will for you. 

 

 

Re: how do I go on?

Hello @Tally

remember to do a @ in front of names and then we will get an email message from you

I think a lot of the emotions you are expressing here are normal., I agree @Determined

you asked me how my friend --- amm I did not want to argue with my mr shaz , ( i would cry in the bathroom when he said hurtful things )

but I think it helped when Mr shaz took himself to hospital , which they kept him there for a week and added another 2 meds to help him

even though he cancelled all help when we got home  and now after over 3 years he has made an appt to see a specialist

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