Why exactly keep trying to make my life okay?

[Canima]

Hey @tyme ,

No stress. I figured as much. I did have a small read too. I appreciate the confirmation though.

Cheers

[tyme]

And @Canima - you're in a good place. You are young. You know that you struggle with alcohol - hence you are more likely to do something about it. That's the main thing. I have high hopes for you 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Canima ,

Sh*t happens. I hope you will find some space to be kind to yourself.

What are you doing today? We have our Melb public holiday here for the grand final. 

Im probably just going to go shopping and some gardening.

I’ll wait to hear from you.

Don’t rush in life. You’ve got many years ahead of you.

[Canima]

Good to hear from you @BPDSurvivor ,

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs. I actually wrote the message normally but quick reply was a bad choice 😂.

I've got the public holiday too. I'm just trying to think more clearly about the things. I appreciate your message and it sounds like a somewhat peaceful day for you. 

I have no plans but you're right, sh*t happens. All the bad and all the good is just life, sometimes a little more intense for us too...

I'm just trying to make some positive choices today even if they're mixed in with some negative ones. I'll be okay though.

I did meditate, which is the first in a loooooong time...And to think I used to do that daily. Starting back is difficult because the mind is rampant, yet I remember that it gets a lot better with time, as with everything. 

Will I keep being in pain and/or misery? Probably for a long time to come, yes. Will I be alone and unloved, probably. Are the odds stacked against me? Damn right they are. No wonder I keep falling down into pits of despair. But baby steps. And then when things go to sh*t again? Forgive, let go, and try again with baby steps. 

How has your gardening been? Is it a veggie garden, and do you have plants growing in there too?

Committing to gardening (Given the pits of despair and self-destruction) is a difficulty for me, but I want to. A whole heap of my outdoor work is leading to that point.

I feel as if I'm not rushing, but going at a pace that is too slow for my own liking. Years go by and you just...wonder how you're still like this and that this is your life.

Cheers.

[BPDSurvivor]

Gday @Canima ,

I like the way you post because you are brutally honest. 

I really struggle with relationships and have to set myself boundaries to make sure I don’t smother people. I used to be so attached to particular people that they felt smothered. So then I swung the other way and pushed people away.

Only now, I’m beginning to connect more with people, but I always have the understanding that I have to set and keep boundaries. I don’t tell the people these boundaries - I set them for myself eg not contacting people in the wee hours of the morning or late at night, setting time limits on how long I visit people for etc.

Otherwise I’m an ALL or NOTHING person. That comes with my BPD and it’s not healthy. However, I’m learning - that’s all I can say.

Somehow I think it comes from a lack of identity and a need to lean on someone in a co-dependent way. However, therapy has certainly helped with that.

Sh*t happens and sh*t stinks no matter the size, shape or form. The best thing is, learn to know what to do with it. Hope you get the drift.

Anyway, take care. 

[Canima]

Naww thanks, I'm blushing @BPDSurvivor 

Life is harsh. I think we as a society are trying to comfort everyone, which is nice but has the consequence of being unprepared for the reality. That's a topic for another day. A big one at that as it has so many branches to consider.

Importantly I wish to say that maintaining your own boundaries with others (That don't need to know) is largely important. It leads to such a large internal war that absolutely weakens me. I get that I need time in that regard, and possibly plenty more good connections ruined...Which sucks.

I have tried with my GP's and therapists to let them know of my own idea for boundaries (As in not clear or defined...much more likely to fail), yet haven't managed thus far. Fortunately my GP wants to see me get better & knows that if I act out, I didn't mean to, he has a good understanding of people with bpd.

In a sense of being less alone, it's nice to hear that you still struggle with relationships. Ofcourse if you could have healthy relationships without as much difficulty, that would be better.

Your post does make me wonder a few things - What has your experience been with deep meaningful connections, such as an intimate relationship or extremely close friendships? And if you feel comfortable, your age may provide some context, as would your age of diagnosis/figuring yourself out)

Do you have that closeness in your life? Have you? When? How has it gone? etc. Just anything you feel comfortable sharing.

And how long have you been working towards figuring connection and relationships out?

I hope you have a good weekend

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Canima ,

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s I reckon. Symptoms really showed from my late teens (say 18 or 19 yrs old)? Then SH took me to hospital and that’s when I received the diagnosis.

I still struggle with close relationships because i have such a barrier set up. I used to be all over people and since that backfired, I’ve swung the other way and put up concrete barriers instead. I couldn’t bear being emotionally hurt again and again.

 Slowly slowly I’m letting these barriers down. The social skills most people naturally learn, I had to be explicitly taught and I had to practice. Often, I’d describe myself as a emotional kid trapped in an adult’s body. All my actions aligned with the emotional maturity of a child.

After MBT, I’ve certainly reached out more. I’m very careful in terms of continuing budding relationships because I really don’t want to make time and invest in too many random relationships. 

At work, I do my job and walk away. In life, I have clear boundaries when interacting with adults. If it feels people are getting too close, I step back. Closeness and intimacy is for the ‘right’ person. I’m in no rush. I’m quite happy living on my own. I don’t feel lonely at all. I’ve got too much to do in life too hang around waiting for people.

 Have people tried to get close? Yes. Am I interested at this point? Not really. I’d rather get my own act together first because I know I can’t help anyone if I’m not well.

 Hope that answers a few of your questions. But please note, these are my experiences and my thinking. It didn’t mean that for you nor anyone else.

 Cheerio!