Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Leigh]

Posted here before. I am totally exhausted, just gone through another torrid episode with our 31 year old son. Think he has BPD but this is the GP's diagnosis.

He has been looking for work and getting knock backs so feels bad. So he dumps it on us. Have just endured abuse and he stood over my husband and forced him to drive to ATM to get out money for either drugs or sex.We are on the pension and this is extortion.and happens too often  He is paranoid. I told him I have had advice re taking out an AVO and that has totally spiked his paranoia.Have had several messages from him accusing us of not supporting him. We actually spend about 1/2 of our pension paying his bills and endless hours providing emotional support.

I have taken the opportunity to tell him a few home truths over the phone.My husband would not have taken this approach because he makes excuses because of the mental illness. I dont think that Mental Illness means its ok for us to be subjected to relentless abuse, I have been trying to set limits but my husband does not maintain them because he feels differently.

I cant see any solution to these issues apart from me leaving. But where could I go? He has had most of our money.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Leigh

You sound like a very caring parent. I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through caring for your son.

No matter his diagnosis or illness, abuse is not ok. If your son continues to behave poorly towards you and your husband, and he get rewarded with money, what incentive does he have to change? Setting boundaries can protect you, and send a message that certain behaviour have consequences, which may act as motivator to change.

Carers of people with BPD can often encounter challenges. Sadly, you are not alone with your experiences. There are a few people on here that might be able to relate to what you are going through. @Tiredmum has written here about feeling overwhelmed with caring for her adult daughter who has BPD. @parent1 has also posted about caring for their daughter who has challenging behaviour associated with BPD, and @lep227 has written here about their partner who had BPD and drug and alcohol issues.

Also keep an eye out in our special events area. We've got a special guest coming in Februrary 23rd for Topic Tuesday to talk about comorbidity - dual diagnosis - involving drug and alcohol issues and mental illness, and what carers can do to support their loved through recovery. 

CherryBomb

[Lost08]

Hi @Leigh,

I have a similar situation with my husband who has BPD and recovering from drug addiction. I have recently started attending NarAnon meetings- for family members affected by another's addiction.
I have found it really helpful as the meeting is with others in the same situation and struggling with the same issues. It is helping me to learn to look after myself as was really losing my mind and unsure of how to deal with the day-to-day issues we carers face.
The worst thing for me is the psychological abuse/manipulation they put us through.
Hope things are improving for you.

[Leigh]

Thanks for the support. The manipulation and abuse is certainly hard to take and now that I am older I am finding it harder and harder. 

I have tried the Narcanon option before. It was helpful to have that support but now we live in the country and there is not much privacy.Everyone knows what is going on.

I think we have tried everything we can.I just want to step away and break contact. If we do this he will be without money as his house payment takes almost all of his benefits burt he has had most of our money.
He had been clean for some time but recently started to use intermittenly,when something has gone wrong.

We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to help him and ultimately it has failed.If we had not been trying to save him he might have saved himself.

He disclosed he was sexually abused at school but will not get help. I think he is frightened at what it might open up. My heart aches for him but I can't continue being abused.I have developed PTSD myself and all this just makes it really difficult to manage.

[Lost08]

Yes it's always hard to know if it's better to try and walk away from them and let them help themselves or try to 'help'. Only yesterday I found myself again at an ATM pulling money out for him. Money from my pension and what should be going to support myself and our three children.
I'm really struggling to understand the bipolar disorder (I thought that's what BPD was but have now also learnt about Borderline Personality Disorder).
The biggest thing I've learnt recently is how important it is to look after yourself. It's hard not to get affected by others but when I heard about 'detachment', about trying to distance yourself from the 'sick' person, I felt some relief. Like I had permission to step back and try and regain control of at least my mind.
My husband didn't start to address his issues until he was forced to - I left the home with our kids and he suddenly had to fend for himself/seek support from others/admit he had problems. Don't make his life to comfortable at home otherwise he won't have any incentive to change. (This is also advice I need to hear myself). I never realised how much I enabled his behaviour, how much I was giving him permission to put me through.

Re the PTSD I had that too. Only through reaching out for support (community and women's groups and courses) and getting myself counselling was I able To address it.

Thinking of you and hope you have a brighter day today- who knew life would be such a challenge hey?!

[Nanna10]

I have just joined this forum because our adult son (33) has exactly the same issues you were dealing with when you posted this in February 2016.  For the past 2 years our son has been addicted to (a drug), he has confirmed BPD, Bipolar, ADHD alcohol addiction and now drug addiction.He also smokes, is unemployed (for 2 years because of paranoia brought on by the drug use).  We also are age pensioners and we worked out that we have spent $10,000 this year in money to him personally ($1000 per month) paying his bills, paying for his addictions (including we now realise drug use - although he's very good at covering that up)  We've only recently found out he's been on drugs all this year, after we thought he had been successful in coming off it.  He also is promiscuous and just last week his 4th baby was born to a woman he had casual sex with.  He has 4 children to 3 different mothers.  He's a train wreck, totally out of control, only on Jobsearch allowance; he lives with us part time but when he finds another woman he becomes totally focused on her (they all have multiple children themselves) and every bit of advice and attempts by us to get some direction in his life is greeted with nasty comments, foul language, furious temper etc etc etc.  We are only renting because of trying to give him a home for him and his children to come to on access visits but we can't afford the rent any longer. We lost our house 3 years ago because of the thousands of dollars we have previously spent on him and his ex-wife trying to keep them afloat.  She gave up on him and told him to leave the marriage 5 years ago.  I truly think that was the start of his severe mental decline.  Prior to that he was functioning, working etc albeit not an involved dad or husband.  We have a caravan so we are packing up and moving on to live on the road.  We will always be close by to help his children.

I'm so sorry to hijack your comments, but they resonated with me immediately.  Sending you a virtual hug over this forum.