Riding a wave

[NikNik]

@Phoenix_Rising We must have been posting at the same time!
You are not alone - there's lots of ppl here who care
I'll drop you an email

[Pepsimax]

@Phoenix_Rising I'm around if you want to chat with me I miss cherrybomb too but seeing things better tonight lack of sleep doesn't help me

[Phoenix_Rising]

@NikNik I know there are people here...but I super badly wish I had someone HERE. I super wish I could pick up the phone and call someone. The forums are so awesome...but sometimes I just want to speak to someone. I just want to feel connected, and I simply don't anymore. There's nobody here in my real world. If I chose to end my life tonight, the first person to notice would be (A) when I didn't appear on Tuesday morning. There isn't anyone. No one will know, no one will care. I will simply disappear. I have a GIANT wave...but I know it is just a wave. I know it, I know it, I know it. The thing is, the waves have been coming non stop now for weeks.

Super big thank you for sitting with me through them @NikNik. I super appreciate how the moderators check in here each night. I don't know how long I'm going to need that for. I don't know how to ever feel safe when the reality is that I am utterly alone on a planet filled with 7.5 billion people.

[CheerBear]

@Phoenix_Rising - I'm glad you have NikNik emailing you. I wish so much that you could pick up the phone and speak to someone who you know would be supportive.

I can't pick up the phone but I can listen here, or in a nest, or somewhere else. And I can write back too. I know it isn't the same thing but I am here and I care a lot.

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising Hearing you and sitting with you little turtle - I wish things were so different for both of us and we could find our way out of this darkness and move forward 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I super know that you do. I so badly wish we could be not friends in real life. I so badly wish we could talk on the phone. I feel really scared but I will not die tonight. I know I will sedate myself and get up tomorrow morning and keep on keeping on. I'm scared though @CheerBear. I can't see a way forward now. I feel so sick and icky that I am right back in the position of being in a muddle with my psychologist. The muddle is different...and yet the same.

I really miss (F) @CheerBear. I'm so confused. He always told me that I was too f***ed up for anyone else to treat and that he was the only one who would stay. He was right. He was right all along. He is the reason I'm not dead. He kept me alive for sixteen years. He was verbally abusive and occassionally physically violent...but he was THERE.  I don't know what to do now. It is two years since the final big bang that ended our...well...whatever the hell it was! I had such high hopes that once I got away from him and found a new psychologist, I would be able to get better and create a life worth living. But it's been two years and ten therapists...and I'm really really tired.

I won't die tonight @CheerBear. I think I will definitely be sleeping super snuggled in your pocket though. I think maybe I would even like a little tinsy tiny hug. I am so glad our oceans collided.

[Shaz51]

i am here for you too @Phoenix_Rising 

[CheerBear]

I know you're tired @Phoenix_Rising and I know how hard this is for you, to keep pushing yourself to keep on keeping on when it's exhausting.

My heart hurts for you that F was so abusive. I know it feels like he was the reason you are not dead but I really feel like the reason you aren't is because you chose not to be. You are the reason you are here today. It might not be the right time to say that, but it's what I really believe and what I think you might also believe when your brain isn't so muddled too.

I so SO badly wish we could be not friends in the non-virtual ocean. I want to ride trolleys with you, build nests, eat milo from the tin, make porridge (maybe even with honey), create glitter bottles, watch Finding Nemo together, and sit quietly without needing to saying anything to be able to understand each other. This is how our oceans have collided though, and I would definitely take this over nothing.

Here, although it is not really as real as the world beyond here, it is real. Because here real people, like us, are using this place in real life to be part of each other's lives. You are really a part of my life. I would notice if you weren't here and I would care very much if you weren't and I would miss you. I say this only because you said that no-one would do those things if you chose to end your life. I say it also with nothing but respect for you and for the choices you make and may make one day.

I am super glad you won't die tonight Phoenix_rising. I have a warm, cosy pocket waiting for when you are ready to snuggle for the night. And will even give you a teensy tiny goodnight hug if you still want it when it's time for sleep.

[NikNik]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Still battling some tech issues

Hope my email came through okay.

Nik

[Phoenix_Rising]

@NikNik I just sent a response to your email that is about as long as the novel War and Peace. I am super sleepy now.

@CheerBear I am going to snuggle in your pocket while at the same time being out here in this great big ocean. I think I do still want a tinsy tiny hug. I super wish we could do all those things that you listed, in the real world. I am going to try super hard to read some of TBKTS tomorrow. I saw your post about starting a book club here in forum land. Maybe we should revive the existing TBKTS thread that someone mentioned???

Ok, well while I am bouncing around here in the ocean, I'm also going to snuggle into your pocket @CheerBear with squishy and Mr Seahorse. That sounds pretty snuggly and safe.

Super big thank you for riding the waves with me @NikNik @CheerBear @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Pepsimax. I don't have the slightest idea when they are going to settle now. Things have never been quite like this before. Thank you for not getting tired of wave riding, and super big thank you for watching over the ocean in case any tornadoes come @NikNik