Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
02-06-2017 01:52 PM
02-06-2017 01:52 PM
You can also snuggle into your corner in TOR if you need not-company over the weekend @Phoenix_Rising ...and if you do need to 'talk' about your big feelings remember we have no judgements at all in there - so 'talk' all you need to - or not!!!!
Zoe
02-06-2017 01:59 PM
02-06-2017 01:59 PM
02-06-2017 03:06 PM
02-06-2017 03:06 PM
You are being SUPER brave little turtle my friend @Phoenix_Rising, i am with you too , and i love all those lights on the water xx
05-06-2017 01:27 PM
05-06-2017 01:27 PM
@Former-Member @Former-Member I feel utterly utterly UTTERLY hopeless. You know it's a bad therapy session when the client ends up clawing at her own face in despair and frustration at being so totally unheard. I feel so totally and utterly stuck. I am exactly back where I was when I was stuck in my previous "complicated" relationship with a psychologist. I know the relationship is unhealthy, but it is safer to stay than to leave. It's a different sort of being hurt than last time, but the outcome is the same. I feel super super super scared and super super super hopeless.
I super miss (K) counsellor. I miss her so so so SO much. I'm never going to achieve my goal now of dealing with the trauma stuff and getting back into stable employment and off the DSP. I could have done it. With JUST A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPORT I could have done it. My brain is so much more fried now than it was five months ago. I am so dissociated and so depressed and (A) doesn't seem to have the slightest idea how to help me. Again today she spent most of the session telling me how much she CAN'T be there for me. So what the f*ck am I supposed to do?
I have a giant wave of suicidal ideation. I don't see any way out. I know what I need, I clearly state what I need, but I simply can't find anyone to hear me. No one hears me. (A) sure as heck doesn't.
I super miss CherryBomb. I feel utterly alone and utterly hopeless. Why can't I find a @Former-Member or a @Former-Member anywhere in the entire city of Sydney. Why can't I find someone here who truly "gets" me. Rockpool and Lunar, you helped SO MUCH last week while I was dealing with that first gigantic wave of grief over CherryBomb. I so very very very badly need a psychologist who gets me like you do. But I don't know how to find her. I have tried and tried and tried and TRIED and I simply haven't been able to find her. And now I simply don't have it in me to try again. I feel super hopeless and I super want to walk into my garage and die right now...but instead I will curl up under my blanket and ride the wave. You will ride with me, right?
@outlander I was reading some of your thread this morning, about how you didn't know what it means to just be with the big feelings. I read your description of how intensely and overwhelmingly physically painful the urges can be, and thus how can one possible just be with them. THIS is what it looks like @outlander. It looks like feeling the urge and the pain with every fibre of your being...and then CHOOSING to do something that is physically incompatible with suicide/self harm. For me, that means lying on the floor or lying in my bed. The urge can't k*ll you, @outlander. It hurts like hell, but it can't k*ll you. Suicide is ultimately a choice. It is a choice. Today I choose to ride the wave.
05-06-2017 01:55 PM
05-06-2017 01:55 PM
looks pretty damn scary to me @Phoenix_Rising but im glad your riding those waves. i can it with you on the beach or rocks as i know you particular about who you like near you so ill watch from afar
05-06-2017 02:28 PM
05-06-2017 02:28 PM
Hi @Phoenix_Rising,
Yes I feel that is a sign that the session didn't go well. I hear you with feeling unheard and with the comparison to the relationship with your previous psychologist. It is different in terms of what harm/hurt is being done but it does leave you with that same feeling. Not an easy place to be in. I hope your GP is able to find another psychologist for you soon, should this still be a path you would consider walking down. I have everything crossed for you!
I am also hopeful that you can still deal with this trauma stuff. I know that as of right now that seems so unachievable and coming off the back of an unhelpful (to say the least) appointment with (A) I totally get why you feel that way. I know I have said this to you before (and I'm going to say it again ) but I know that you can have good relationships where you feel heard and understand, as you have said here. Perhaps the importance of this is not only in terms of finding a psychologist to work with as we have spoken about, but more importantly is the fact that you're not alone and there are people that 'get' you. I do understand your frustration in not having found someone in Sydney who is able to work with you in this way.
I am concerned that following your appointment with (A) that you are feeling this wave of SI. This really highlights how unsupported you feel and how unhelpful the session was. I am glad to here that you are riding the wave by curling up under your blanket.
I'm sorry that this is the space you are in today but I am here riding the wave with you and I have my trusty pink flamingo at the ready...here if/when you need
05-06-2017 02:39 PM
05-06-2017 02:39 PM
@Phoenix_Rising - I've just read your post about your very unhelpful session with A this morning. I'm shaking my head at it all 😞
We've got TT, Mr Seahorse and Squishy sitting in the nest and this here in the wave, riding along too (still so impressed @Former-Member found a wave riding unicorn).
Thinking of you lots
05-06-2017 03:51 PM
05-06-2017 03:51 PM
@CheerBear I can't see your picture yet, but I have a feeling it will make me smile.
@Former-Member I feel so super super super icky. My GP has no ideas at all about finding a new psychologist. She really did try super hard to help me last year, but she ended up as stuck as me. She discovered that even with her power of being a GP, psychologists kept saying "no, too complex" to her. Right now, the only actual helpful people in my world are her and everyone here in Forum Land.
I feel so totally confused about (A) and so very very VERY icky about how much this situation is replicating that past situation. I need to get into stable employment. If I could get off the DSP, I would be free of the sense of needing a psychologist in my corner. This is the main thing that keeps me with (A) - or any psychologist for that matter; the power that society bestows upon them. I know that I only got the DSP because of the report my previous psychologist (F) wrote. I know that places like centrelink have zero interest in what a counsellor or a social worker says - they only care about the opinion of a psychologist or a psychiatrist. This is precisely what kept me with (F) and it is what's now keeping me with (A). If I could be financially independent, I would be free of that particular angst.
I do know that there are people out there who get me @Former-Member. I think that is part of the despair - I know that with the right support, I could absolutely definitely move beyond my current muddle. I mean, the neurofeedback psychologist wrote that I have a more severe category of Borderline Personality Disorder, and will require treatment from a multi-disciplinary team of mental health professionals in an environment more suitable to assist her. I mean, SERIOUSLY???? My uni counsellor was able to single-handedly assist me via phone/skype from 450kms away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It terrifies me that a "professional" can make such a statement about me, when the reality is I simply need ONE COMPETENT THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am being sent mad by the system - a feeling I know you can relate to @CheerBear.
All I damn well need is someone to help me process the trauma stuff and figure out what I can do/where I fit employment-wise. It really REALLY doesn't sound that hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can see that the fundamental issue with (A) is that she simply lacks empathy. She simply cannot see how the things she says and does cause so much distress in the context of my muddle. I mean, the other day, when I tried to get support from her after I found out CherryBomb was leaving, she only had five minutes to talk to me. I was SO distressed...and yet she said that she thought I'd be grateful she had found five minutes for me. In her brain, she was doing me a huge favour by finding five minutes to call me. It simply did not enter her head how worthless I would feel hearing her say that. It did not enter her head that I would feel like I should be grateful for any scrap of human contact that someone was willing to throw my way. Nor did it enter her head that five minutes may possibly not be sufficient time for someone with BPD to move through the giant feelings and into a space where rational thought and coping strategies might happen.
But then here's the thing, once we go through a storm like today, (A) is willing to make changes. So, for example, we have now agreed that she will only call if she can allow at least 15 minutes on the phone. You see? This is part of what keeps me with her. There is a lot of stuff that I DO like about her and that IS working...but only after we go through these awful and damaging storms. For example, I super like the fact that she got over her no-touching policy and will now rest her hand on my back when I snuggle on the couch. That is super calming and super helpful. So...it's like...there is a LOT that is unhealthy in this relationship, but at the same time, it feels safer to stay than to try again. And this is my despair and my hopelessness. Staying is the better of two very bad options...and thus the thoughts of suicide creep in.
Well THAT all got really long didn't it. Thank you to anyone who is still reading. @Former-Member who will be watching the ocean tonight? The missing-CherryBomb feelings are getting bigger as the day wears on because the evenings are when she would appear. I am super missing her and I'm also struggling with the sense of the Universe being out of alignment because I don't know who will be around tonight. I really really don't do change!
Thank you for being you @Former-Member. This morning when I was super chaotic and super regressed, I may possibly have suggested to (A) that she should call Rockpool and ask her how to do the empathy thing.
Super big thank you for riding the waves with me.
05-06-2017 04:31 PM
05-06-2017 04:41 PM
05-06-2017 04:41 PM
I've just read your post about your very unhelpful session with A this morning. @Phoenix_Rising sending you peach faced parrot hugs
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Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
Our Mission
To be the voice of mental health carers to enable the best life possible.
Get In Touch With Us
We're here to support and promote the well-being of mental health carers and their families
Mental Health Carers Australia is the only national advocacy group solely concerned with the well-being and promotion of the needs of mental health carers.
Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
Our Mission
To be the voice of mental health carers to enable the best life possible.
Get In Touch With Us
We're here to support and promote the well-being of mental health carers and their families
Mental Health Carers Australia is the only national advocacy group solely concerned with the well-being and promotion of the needs of mental health carers.