Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Caroline29781]

Hi there

I need some help. A lot of advice. My brother has a mental health issue, it has been going on for many many years. He has refused help when we (me and my family) have tried to help or get him the help he has needed. He had a trauma when he was 17, and has never been the same. He has numerous relationships which never last due to him not being able to deal with things like an adult. He is literally sleeping in his car at the moment or couch surfing, I know it sounds horrible but we all have our own lives (me with children and I dont want him to stay as he drinks and gets abusive) and he is 42 years old. He drinks excessively which is another reason why his relationships dont work. When he drinks, his personality turns dramatically. He doesnt get responsibilty such as holding down a job, paying bills. He just spends his money on booze. Bills etc come last. 

I too have suffered mental illness. Mainly depression. But I have dealt with it. Its still hard sometimes. I do believe there is a family history that maybe hasnt really been diagnosed. My sister also deals with anxiety and depression. 

What I want to know is, how do I get my brother the help he needs. I know for a fact he will not come in willingly as I have tried and tried over the years. I want to know how I can get him admitted somewhere without his consent. 

Yesterday he was threatening suicide. I had to go and find him. A few years back the same thing happened, and I called someone who advised me to call the police and if they found him they would take him to ED department and get him assessed and if they thought he was bad, basically he would get admitted unwillingly to a faciility. This I believe would be a great scenario for him. He might finally see he needs help. he may hate me, but Im sure it wont be forever. Is this the best scenario.

I might add too that Im his younger sister and I am scared of him. A few years back he was sending me threatening messages that really frightened me, so I changed my number and moved house. I was having nightmares etc. So it is not easy to deal with him. Yesterday I found him, held him while he cried, listened to him. But whenever I offered advice he would yell and get angry at me. Being on my own, was a little worried. I have children to think of, they come first.

Please can you give me some advice, my brother is getting to the point where it may be too late for him and I just dont want to sit back and watch. And my family are at their wits end, exhausted from it all.

Any advice or recommendations or just to chat with someone who is or has been in a similar situation would help. 

Thank you

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Caroline29781 and welcome to the forums .....

My heart hurts listening to your situation ..... I am battling with a husband who is oblivious to the fact that what he sees as an incredibly healthy lifestyle is masking an eating disorder .... as yet undiagnosed because the behaviour that most marks it as dysfunctional is well hidden from view.  While he is not violent, he has been emotionally abusive, again with no awareness that that is what he is doing.  He underwent a personality and values change, but while he is not totally in leave of his senses, and his behaviour appears normal to the outside world, we are somewhat hostage to his condition.

Unless he becomes a danger to himself and others, we have no option other than to wait until his life, or ours, becomes so impacted that it is clear he needs help .... and something like that is happening as  our kids have come under specialists, attention and finally, finallly our family is being investigated ....

So, even now, the e.d. is still invisible and our marriage dynamic is being reviewed as the cause of family breakdown .....

Hiw does this offer a response to your situation ?  It really is a matter of either waiting until his life comepletely breaks down and he is confronted with the fact that he needs help, or he suffers some sort of health crisis that results in him being taken to hospital for assessment and being kept in.

This is such a disempowered situation to find yourself in.  The forums have been a God-send for me in terms of having others walk along with me in my situation and that sense of being amongst people who understand the trauma of it .... feeling that you are not alone.

You are correct - you must prioritise the welfare of your own family, as much as it hurts ..... 

Please stay with us on the forums.  You will read here stories of great heartache, such as yours, but there are stories of great courage and strength to persevere towards solutions as well .... and emotional support as you bear up under the strain of it.  

Nothing stays the same indefinitely.  Here is something called the Stages of Change.  You will recognise that your brother is in the first stage (denial) which is also the longest and hardest stage.  With time he will move through this pattern to a point where, hopefully he will be able to hear you, and draw courage to reach out for help.

Whatever you can do for him, do it .... but don’t over-reach and compromise your own family .... And there are support systems to help family to cope .....

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

💐💕 F&H

[Former-Member]

Hi @Caroline29781

It is a heartbreaking situation that you and your family are in. I have been through similar with my daughter, although she was much younger, and I have struggled with my own mental health issues. I do agree with your friends advice regarding calling for help when he is suicidal as it seems nothing else has worked and he won't seek help for himself.

But by reading your post I think your brothers biggest issue to deal with is his addiction to alcohol. He won't seek advise or welcome it as he is self medicating and believes that is his way of dealing with it his pain - escaping it. He needs to see that alcohol is what is keeping him in pain, feeding it, causing his mental issues now; and ultimately it is the alcohol destroying him, his relationships, job prospects and life. He has to find the will to give up. He has to find a reason, a purpose. He has to go on a soul search....It is something he has to really want.

I was an alcoholic for 10 years - for mental health issues to improve your brother would need to wean off and give up alcohol first. Seeking a drug and alcohol counsellor would benefit him greatly. You could see one to seek advice perhaps but ultimately your brother has to take that first step,  He really needs to go through a rehabilitation programme. I am not sure if psychiatric hospitals are set up to deal with this. I would highly recommend ringing an alcoholic support group - I believe in some states that the mental health group "grow" has connections with such (alcoholics with mental health issues). You can google such groups in your state to ring for advice. Drinkwise.org.au can offer support to families of alcoholics and may be able to advice further. Please let us know how you get on

[gypsylee]

Good luck.. I lost my younger (only) brother to heroin in 2014 and I’ve been in intensive care myself with alcohol-induced Pancreatitis. So your situation resonates with me on a few levels.

I still have issues with mental health and substance abuse but alcoholism is a living hell..

All the best to you and your family,

Gypsy x

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @gypsylee .... are you new here ? If so, welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your story this way. Nothing speaks louder than the voice of experience, and they are painful things we are sharing ...... but necessary in order to understand that we are not alone.

[gypsylee]

@Faith-and-Hope Yes, I am new and thank you for the welcome. I’ve joined a lot of mental health forums lately (I’m sick of Facebook etc!) and this forum stands out to me as one of the best in terms of how open and supportive members are with each other. So I’ve been reading quite a bit on here 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I haven’t been on any other forums @gypsylee.  It’s wncouraging to hear you say that.

As with @Caroline29781 I came here desperately seeking understanding, and trying to find answers about what to do with our situation.  It was such a relief to find a community of people who you hardly need to explain things to .... you find the “I know !” feeling here .....

[Shaz51]

Hello @Caroline29781, @gypsylee welcome to the forum

sending you both hugs and we are here for you

[Caroline29781]

So I got him admitted yesterday to the local ED department. Police were called and they found him. He had been sending me messages all day about harming himself. So police got him involuntarily admitted. unfortunately thought, hospital didnt care too much apparently and he was back out a few hours later! Im scared he will come after me now. System has failed me and him 😞

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh no @Caroline29781 ...... 🙁

Please don’t give up hope.   While this hasn’t been my life experience, there are others here who have gone through this.   Can you call the police and ask for a plan of action, anticipating that he will turn up ?  It might take a repeat admission.