Relationships - Mum

[ClockFace]

My entire relationship with my Mum has been one of do this for me, do that for me. From the moment I was old enough I was making her coffee for her and she drank lots of coffee. We have visitors, I was the one making coffee. It always made me feel like Mum was trying to push me aside, trying to hide me from her and visitors. I was the mistake child, unplanned but loved as my Mum would say but treated very differently to my sister. 

Mum and I have always had a one way relationship. Since her  brain injury she has changed, but for me it remains a one way relationship. She wants, I get, well I dont, screw that but its the relationship she wants is that one way relationship.

I used to try, I used to talk to Mum about stuff, run ideas past her etc. Now, I just do, be it good or bad I do and I deal with the outcome. Mum is often the first to rub it in how I made a bad choice.

I would say that the relationship with my Mum is toxic so I tend not to interact. Mentally I dont have the capacity to process and weed out what is ok and what is toxic so I put it all in the toxic basket and just lose out on the positives altogether.

[ClockFace]

My sister and Mum have always been close. My sister in her late teens went through a tragic period, a lot of trauma, unimaginable trauma. This made my sister and Mum closer. For my sister and I it was a bit of a challenge. I felt like I should have protected her from what happened and I was somewhat responsible for it even taking place.

My sister and I did grow close again, she became my biggest support where Mum and Dad failed. She would look out for me, protect me and was just there for me. It should be the other way around but thats what happened. My parents had basically gotten sick of what they saw as my continual failings but my sister saw my needs and was there.

Since going into hospital herself I have tried to be there for her like she had been there for me. Sadly, that only lasted so long before my failings (mental health issues) became an issue. Im now not in a position to help her much at all and I fear that I will be in less of a position when she comes home, which isnt too far away by the sounds of it. 

It would appear that the relationship is one of mutual support but we get on well, we talk and consol each other. Mum and Dad are seperated under main roof which makes for a very volitile and difficult environment. If it werent for each other we would both be in a far worse situation mentally

The one thing that bugs me about my sister is she seems to think that our medical  conditions are a competition. And that despite the condition and symptoms I should just keep going, I should move past it and its never as bad as I say. Im on a mountain of pain meds but my back isnt as bad as I say. Im peeing blood, thats not a big deal. Speak to a doctor and they are like OMG. 

All in all I care for her more than anyone else in my family, Im not sure if thats ok to say but she has been there regardless of the situation where others have gone ur a screw up and your on your own.

[Appleblossom]

@ClockFace

Just popping in to say hello.

You have so much going on with your own health, and dealing with family.

Its great you have gained more clarity in your posting and organised your thoughts.

I am so sorry you had to be in service to your mother all these years as a young child as well as dealing with her brain injury. Sad that there is so much you feel is toxic, but it makes sense you really do need to compartmentalise stuff so that you are not in constant overwhelm. I am not good with boundaries and I sometimes think Christianity conflates and merges a lot of things that make it hard to know the best way to proceed in the modern era.

I am glad your father is making attempts to relate with you in a caring manner and hope that maintains when other pressing matters (like your sister's situation) do not distract.  I have a general sense that the nuclear family is currently under immense pressure to provide idealised childhood experiences, which is rarely possible in real life.

Regarding your sister, I do not know how to shift the current dynamic.   I do not believe adult family relations should involve ... knee jerk submission to ...  demands ... I tended to go with what was necessary for survival. Separating needs and wants. Love is complex and different roles have different responsibilities. You are not her maid.  Her best possibilities will be in assuming responsibility for more of her own needs.

Taking care of you, is most important at the moment.

[ClockFace]

My Mum is obviously no support at all. She has provided none to my sister while she has been in hospital and I cant expect any different. I had told her about my psychotic break and stuff leading up to it. When Dad said something about me being hospitalised to her last night she had no idea why.

Dad and I talk but he isnt really support. He doesnt get it. He spoke to Mum about things and didnt even pass on the major reason being hospitalised is on the table.

My sister for obvious reasons is no support, in fact I worry that if I were to be hospitalised it would impact her recovery as she would feel responsible, as if she were better I would be. There are elements of truth in that, some of what is going on has been triggered by her situation, but in saying that I have an illness that at times requires hospitalisation.

My manager is fantastic, they are very understanding and have my welfare at heart. They are supportive in I am retaining my job but not support in the daily life.

My best friend, we see each other a few times a year. He knows the cliff notes of my situation and I his but no deep and meaningful. I dont expect to see him coming around making sure Ive taken my meds etc.

SANE has been there for the past few months. I can talk, I can write, I can babble shit, what ever I need if they provide the service its there and that is comforting but it cant make sure Im showering etc.

Im not sure that Im ready for hospital, I might need it or need it soon but if I am to recover on the outside it would be essentially alone. I dont know what would happen in hospital in this case, I only have a small amount of delusinal thinking in that my medication is poision, given I want the grim reaper to hurry up its not a huge problem.

Primarily Im extremely depressed and I dont know what they would do about that. Last time I was in hospital they just drugged me up and I slept and I dont want that. But at the same time I dont want to sit around doing nothing waiting to be told to shower or somthing. 

[ClockFace]

@Appleblossom 

I think our upbringing in a strict Christian household sort of messed things up for my sister and I. From the outside it was the ideal Christian family. Dad preached, he and I played guitar, Mum sang and my sister did Childrens church. At one point I was missionary secretary. We were all involved.

Behind closed doors though, it was very volitile. Dad was distant and he had little to do with us kids. He didnt discipline etc. He was away a lot for work so the weekend would just be church.

Mum smoked and swore with the best of them. No problem giving us a wack.

As I got older I listed  to Tripple J and that was an issue, Mum could swear and smoke but Non-christian music was from the devil.

Im good with boundries, it helped when I moved out of home for 10 years and moved back and I have to compartmentalise, there would be no way I would keep my shit together as long as I have. Good thing about the forum I can write about a topic and then something completely different in another post, makes dealing with compartments a lot easier

[ClockFace]

The pain killers they have me on are making me super drowsy and the longer I am on them the worse its getting. They are helping with the pain but yesterday I got to 5pm then I needed a nap. Its midday now and I am just holding out to when I have my next dose and go to bed for a bit. Really irritating, I want to do stuff but I am struggling to type let alone do the dishes.

So the company that I want to go through for my Psychiatrist has actually got their shit together and we have finally organised an appointment for the 21st April. Sadly the same time as the Psychiatrist appointment via the Community Mental Health Team. I was keen on the second as the Psychiatrist is great but its a once off so I have chosen the company one. Though I just got an email saying they have booked with the one off psychiatrist who doesnt take on ongoing patients. Not the psychiatrist who I put through the referral for. So now I have that fight with them.

Im really not sure about the whole hospital thing, like a large part of me thinks I need to go, but then theres the part that says Ill get through it, though some of the stuff has been going on for a really long time.

My hassle is other than its another person in our family in hospital that Dad will have to visit etc. I want to help Dad though with these pain killers Im not doing a thing. But the big thing is if I end up in hospital my sister will blame herself and that will set her recovery back. Though if she gets home and Im like I am things wont go well anyhow.

Added to that my medication, I cant take in my pain killers so they would have to write me up for them if they allow it. My other meds most are correct but some have been increased and its not noted on the bottles.

Firstly, I got to call Rural and Remote Triage and see if the support hospitalisation, then off to the local ER. They dont have a mental health team but they can work with Rural and Remote and generally go with what they have to say. They will then transfer me to the main hospital about an hour away who will do the assessment and determine if Im bad enough to be admitted and try and find a bed for me somewhere,  which would probably be where my sister is, which would be  weird.

Then Id have to hopefully have somewhere for my tablets so I can keep typing here and watching streaming. Its the only thing keeping me going so I dont want to lose that.

I dunno, part of me wants to go, part of me doesnt, part of me doesnt even think they would bother with me and if they  did what on earth would they actually do with me

[ClockFace]

Seriously how hard is it. I have 8 or 9 specialist, like regular ones. Ive lost count how many referrals have been done for me but one company, everytime we do a referral for them there is a problem. 

This time, they hadnt received my new referrral so for some reason they took out my old referral and actioned that again. Over 2 weeks and I dont know how many emails they finally confirmed a date and time for the appointment, but for the wrong Psychiatrist.

I find out that the Psychiatrist I had selected doesnt do ongoing treatment, no mention of that anywhere. 

So now I have my clinic emailing the referral to a person at this company who will tell me whats wrong with it and then I can try and get into a doctor, havent got a chance with mine Id have to wait until 14/4 to see her. 

Once we have corrected the referral and found a psychiatrist that does ongoing treatment I can resubmit the referral and wait another 2 weeks for them to give me an appointment date and time.

So I have like 3 weeks before I get an appointment, who knows how long I will have to wait for that.

FFS I need help now, not in 6-10 weeks. We started this weeks ago, I should be a couple weeks away from an appointment, it was something I was holding onto and now its gone

[ClockFace]

I went and had a nap, the pain killers are really doing a number on me and I just want to sleep the whole time. I was pretty grumpy when I went to lay down and I got a phone call about an hour or so into my nap, it was my mental health nurse, just sorting out the psychiatrist issue. It got we wriled up again and I ended up currently wildly grumpy. 

It got me thinking how I, we, hide so much. I saw Dad after the phone call and he had no idea how grumpy I am. He has no idea how depressed I actually am. He had no idea how bad my psychosis was. You go out in public and its the same. Even when I see my GP etc. I have this face, this demeaner that I can put on, Im not sure I ever really take it off. I can pretty much just be me on here but IRL I dont get the option or at least I dont feel like I can present the world with the real me. 

Im think Im scared of showing the real me, actually showing how I feel, particularly the 'negative' side. I feel like I am protecting my family from my mental health issues, but at the same time I dont think they would accept me if I did show my real me. 

How would people react if I showed my depression, I mean theres parts I dont hide but no one really pays attention, my sister used to pick up on the not showering. I hide my psychoses well, no one knows unless I tell them and even then to what extent I tell them or how I tell them. There was one time I had had screaming in my head and from walls fulltime for about 4 months and I was having a day of frustration and a comment was made asking whats wrong with u and I blew up. Even my hypomanic moods, they dont realise that I am going through that, thought I dont have many. 

TBH I dont particularly think my family likes me in general, so add the realness of mental health that I deal with, I havent got a hope. 

I honestly dont know how people can be so publicly open with their moods, not just  mental illness but outgoing people, those who walk down the street and you can see them from 5 blocks away. Me I dont blend in with a shadow but for a while a shadow has a shadow.

[ClockFace]

This is probably a repeat but the additional pain meds, even after I dropped from 4 to 3 Im still super drowsy. Ive had a nap (it was interupted by a call from MH Nurse). So no pain killers awake enough to help but too much pain to actually do it. Pain killers less pain still in to much to help but so drowsy I cant even deal with txts etc from my sister and I got to sleep, making me feel like I am just letting everyone, especially my Dad. 

This extra pain from the procedure is BS, Im so not happy about. Its not what I was expecting at all. I was looking forward (Understatement) to being pain free a couple days after the procedure and now I can expect it to take another month still. The only thing I have going is the pain is different and I dont have the pain going down my leg. 

The pain, the what feels like a broken promise, how useless I feel combined with all the events going on with my Mum and sister etc is really hammering the depression. Ive been through that before whats going  on there so I wont repeat here.

Ive been thinking about the hospital thing, I dont know Im desperate enough yet if thats the correct wording. Added to which the amount of trouble trying to get my sister admitted when she was suicidal how am I going to get admitted cause I wont look after myself. 

I really dont understand why I cant get my shit together, why I cant just shower, eat, take my meds etc without a fight. Why I cant just be content and that be enough, why should I want more than that, how many people actually do get more than that?

[tyme]

So sorry to hear about your ongoing pain - especially if it was NOT what you were expecting! @ClockFace 

I really hope things get better soon.