Anxiety is a bitch, it is a special kind off evil in the world of Mental Health, at least that which Ive experienced. Maybebecause its such a constant force in my lfe maybe because its like an invisable force that is attacking you, making you fear for your life. There is nothing to defend against, there is no fight to have as there is no attacker.
Ive dealt with anxiety as long as I remember, though I had no idea origionally it was a "thing", an illness that people can suffer from. I figured I was, as the kids at school often told me, different. That there was something uniquely wrong with me and if I said something I would either be laughed at or I would be sent away.
I dont know at what point I actually talked to a doctor about it, it was probably when I started having panic attacks. I think my panic attacks are different to most, its primarily internal, my heart races, I find it hard to breath, I shake head to toe, I get very week and there is what can only be desribed as a sound in my head. Its not a great feeling. I used to get them often when I worked in the actual office, I would sorta sense it coming on and I would hide in a toilet cubical and sorta collasp on the seat and just live through the experience. I know no other way to deal with them but to just live through it.
I deal with anxiety on a daily basis, Im on a high dose of a medication to stop my hands from shaking. They were so intense that I stopped being able to type, impacting my work. I would make errors, it would take longer than needed to write anything up, hell passwords were nightmares.
I find crowds a very difficult thing, they can be that invisable attack or could end up causing a panic attack or making me want to punch my way out of the crowd. I have a similar experience in high traffic areas, fortunately where I live there is primarily 1 or at most 2 lanes for traffic and there is minimal traffic. But going into the city can be really hard, especially where there are more than 2 lanes of traffic. There is one area I have had to travel a lot lately thats 4 lanes, I get into the lane I need as early as possible and stay there, but people go from one late to another and back again and all over the place, and I find that hard to deal withh
Home is horrible for my anxiety, there is so much stress. Most following me know what I am talking of. I find myself getting so anxious. If the world at home would slow down, if some things were realised to be of minor consequnce, such as Buy Swap Sell. If we didnt have people going 0-10 in milliseconds causing me to live in constant fear that a new blow up over nothing. I mean if you breath wrong that could ligitamently be an issue that has to be dealt with. Home would probably be one of the main sources of my anxiety.
The other part is how I was brought up. I was a smart kid, smarter than most so there was high expectations and it wasnt well recieved failing to meet those expectations. We attended church and there were expectations as to how we behaved. There is a story of Mum upfront singing, she didnt like what ever we were doing and started counting on her hand, like with fingers, if she reached 5 she would have come down and hit us. That was something you always watched for, her counting on her hand. There were very strict rules at home, expectations to look after yourself, like making lunch for yourself for school from an early age. There was an expectation on me make the teas and coffees for guests, pretty much the moment they got there. I was expected to make Mums coffee from as early as I could do so, and there was a lot of coffee.
Anxiety I think can be grown from a young age, I think what happened as a kid can turn into anxiety.
