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Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@BPDSurvivor you may have some helpful advice here for me too. 

 

I will call her my ex partner for now because I did end the relationship. It is yet to be determined if we will reunite at some point. Probably later rather than sooner. This however is not the point of my post. 

 

Right up until I ended the relationship, my ex was undiagnosed. I stick by her through the good and bad. Lots of support from me towards her. I have C PTSD with severe depression and anxiety. I knew a lot about mental health since I have been in the think of it for the last six years since my official diagnosis. 

 

It took me a long time if getting her to go see a doctor. A lot of fights, alot of damage caused, a lot of hurt and pain. I still stuck by her and supported her. Why? Because I truly loved her deeply. 

 

Long story cut short, she got her diagnosis recently. I was with her every step of the way, psychiatrist appointments, doctors appointments and so on. I never forced myself into any of her appointments, only if she wanted me in there would I accompany her. I would support her as much as I could and leave decisions up to her. 

 

One day, we weren't in to see the doctor. I wasn't very well that day, (major migraine) and I had been stressed that week about a few things. Mainly money because I knew it would be coming up that soon I would be supporting us both a bit more financially. The doctor was prescribing something and it was going to cost an ongoing fortune I knew we couldn't afford. I burst into tears in the doctor's room and said we couldn't afford it. 

 

The doctor suggested I no longer come into. my then partners appointments. I felt very hurt by it. Prior to that she was all for me. Saw how loving, caring and strong I was for my ex. 

 

Not long after that, maybe a few days my ex had a go at me. Said to me you do not get to decide what I take and don't take. Don't bring your exes into it or your past. I was so hurt. Actually more deeply by my ex than the doctor. Why? Because I had disclosed the hurts and traumas of my past long before this happened. 

 

My best friend died in 2013 and some other traumas happened. The whole journey with her, at times I was related Ving those traumas. I never really acted them out, I was suffering internally and was quiet about it. It was really hard because my past traumas left me in so much fear of the same thing happening again and I couldn't get control of my overwhelming fear and powerlessness. When my best friend died, I knew what was going in with him. I was angry with some of his medical doctors prescriptions because he was eating them like candy. 

 

Anyhow, I tried so hard with everything. His death really shook me. Some days I think It be moved in, other days, I feel like I haven't budged an inch. It's still has to be that I tell myself I did all I could. We lived together and he died at home. That makes it even harder for me, because it is not like I was someplace else when he died. 

 

My ex knew the story. I don't tell everyone. I only share it when and if I want to. 

 

Long story cut short, with the doctor's treatment towards me and my exes treatment towards me, it was a double whammy. I didn't express how much it hurt me. It just would have led to an argument and I would not have been heard. After processing for weeks and reflecting in the whole journey, I decided that I was not going to be involved in any aspect of her care nor her mental health. No doctors appointments, no psychiatrists, no meds, no therapy, no checking in with her, just nothing. 

 

I honestly didn't and don't want to be a carer for her. I'm actually supposed to intervene when she wants to self harm or it escalates to something bigger. So, Ii can only be involved now and then with conditions, bit not at any other time. That's how what I'm supposed to do and that's my directions. 

 

Well to be frank, I don't accept what I'm supposed to do or to follow directions others have given me. At no time had antone including my ex asked how do you feel Lee, how have you been coping, do you have support? Just nothing. It's all just focused in the person who "only appears to be struggling" People picked and chose when It was my exes partner and when I wasn't. After all this happening, I completely withdrew. 

 

I no longer offer anything anymore. I haven't gotten over the hurt, I can still feel it there. 

 

I've been a carer my whole life, and to cut an extremely long story short, I was a horrifically abused carer. I know longer care nor am In carer for the people that abused me. I'm not responsible for caring for them now, nor upon their end of life. 

 

As for my MI, I never did get support from my partner. She did a lot that re traumatised me and she knew my traumas. I had shared them with her. She attacked everyone of my greatest fears to re experience repeated past trauma. I had mental breakdowns. I forgave her each time. 

 

Currently, I focus on me and much less in supporting her. There are some things about her treatment she us receiving that worry me, but my voice got taken away. I can't always help my fears being stronger than me. Not when I endured horrific trauma. But that does not seem to matter to anyone. It's just I I I and me me me. I actually called it quits in taking any interest or putting any energy into helping her anymore after that. I guess perhaps by helping her maybe I crowded her by not allowing to learn for herself by making mistakes. At the very least she owns it completely if she does make a mistake if her own and can learn from it. I just do my best to focus on me. 

 

@BPDSurvivor in your experience and from your experience was it better for you to go through your own process on your own terms? Also if you could, what would you say to the people that are in the other side if also being impacted by a diagnosis of their partner, what it was like prior and what it continues to be. I think lots of self care for ourselves is imperative. 

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

Is anyone able to support me on this one? I truly could use it today. I don't have support at the moment. Tomorrow I start seeing a new therapist and hopefully can connect in with other services. For now my mind is mush. 

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@Powderfinger 

 

again, support but no advice. 

 

Everyone tells me I have to look after my own wellbeing first or I can't be of any use to anyone else. I call bollocks on that. And I have always struggled feeling selfish if I do anything for myself.

 

It's him that has the MI and most of the time my feelings don't count. 

 

I would hug you and dry your tears if I could.

x

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

hey @Powderfinger👋🏼 thank you for posting in here. I hear you and understand that there's so much that you've been through. My condolences for the passing of your best friend. I'm sorry that the doctor and your ex partner reacted hurtfully to you just trying to emotionally and financially help your ex partner and being honest about your financial limits. It doesn't sound ideal that you didn't have anyone to comfortably express this hurt to in the weeks afterwards.

You're right- your needs matter, your mental health matters, you deserve respect, and self-care for ourselves is imperative.

 

So I'm glad that you've drawn a boundary for yourself that you will not care for people who abuse(d) you Heart

 

Take care and all the best for connecting in with the new therapist & other services 🌻

 

 

 

@SJT63 your feelings absolutely, inarguably do count Heart

 

I can understand the idea of feeling selfish if you do things for yourself. Critically, though- doing things for yourself isn't selfish - it's self-preservation; self-care; it's just looking after yourself! You're not hurting anyone when you do it, right? So I don't think it's helpful if/when people say or imply that it's selfish. I like the airplane analogy- that you need to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help others. All the best 🌻

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@SJT63 

 

Thank you, that's sweet. I could really do with that. I remain strong, I don't cry. Even though the tears are pricking just behind my eyelids. I feel them. It's a dam.waiting to burst. I know that it will happen soon and I won't be able to hold back. I don't cry in front of her, if I need too. I know she won't comfort me. 

 

I.dont agree nor disagree with you though because I remain neutral. It's your right to believe in whatever you want to believe in. Not all our beliefs can serve us well though. 

 

I don't know your history, I spent my whole life doing everything for others. Gave and gave and gave and gave. I lost out on any childhood, something nobody can get back. It was extremely rare I did a lot for me. 

 

These days, I do things for myself. Going to therapy is doing things for myself. My woodwork etc are doing things for myself. Getting a haircut is doing things for myself. I've been without for do long. I assure you, I still struggle. How dare I do something for myself, enjoy myself, do something for me, but slowly slowly I am finding more ease with doing so. Less guilt, less time to get over it. It was ingrained. 

 

In saying that, I only spend my money on things I need or really want. I'm definitely not frivolous. It has to serve a good purpose, otherwise I don't have it. As I said it's early days and I have so much more work to do on myself. 

 

Sending you love. 

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@Former-Member 

 

Thank.you so much for replying. It's nice to be heard for a change. It rarely occurs these days. Thank.you, I thought that even though it happened at the end of 2013, I would one day move on. You do, bit you never forget the trauma around it. You just try live with it. 

 

Yeah, I never thought of myself I guess. It would have been great to have someone I could talk to about it. There was no one. I was so run down/fatigued, trying to.stay well, sad, lonely, and more. 

 

For clarity purposes, you mentioned about me drawing a boundary about not caring for people who abuse/d you. Could you build on that and what you meant by abuse/d me. It could be taken a few different ways. 

 

Thank you. At this point if that doesn't work out too well.for me, I may consider a hospital.visit. Things are just too much for me on my own. Things just getting worse at home. Not better. 

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@Powderfinger grief is like that- non-linear. I wonder where this idea comes from, that at some point you just "get over it" and everything's fine? You've put it so well that you never forget the trauma around it, but just try to learn to cope and live with it.

 

I really don't think you're the only one (unfortunately) who didn't feel very supported as a carer for your needs. I think generally professional support systems have traditionally focussed on the unwell person and not the carer/s too. I think that's changing these days with additional funding and resources specifically for carers. Every carer should feel like their needs are cared for too.

 

Regarding the abusive behaviours, I was just responding to your comment that 'I no longer care nor am I a carer for the people that abused me.' Actually, I assumed that this was a conscious decision/boundary you'd put in place, but perhaps it's just how things have organically turned out to be right now? I apologise if I misinterpreted.

 

I'm sorry to hear that things at home aren't good/are getting worse. I'm hoping your appointment works out well for you Heart

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

Dear @Powderfinger ,

 

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry about the passing of your close friend. Things certainly sound challenging. 

In my experience, I really needed to stop, pull back and see to my own recovery before I could move on. You are right in staying that it was on my own terms. People tried to 'help' me but it made me worse because I became too dependant on them. My recovery was about learning not to compare myself to others. 

All my life, I have moved between the 'carer' and 'Dependent' personalities. I move between the extremes with no happy medium. I was either so dependent on people that I sucked life from them, or I was such a carer that I smothered those I cared for. Upon reflection, I now realise it is because I have no true love/care for myself. My 'love' for others is so conditional, that unless I can care or be cared for, I don't feel satisfied. 

@Powderfinger , I stopped trying to help others until I was ready to 'love' myself. I don't mean to be self-obsessed and selfish, but as @Former-Member mentioned, it's self-preservation. It is an understanding that healthy relationships need open communication and boundary-setting.

 

I was never ready for any relationship until I worked through my own traumas. I had to learn to do this on my own. This empowered me. Showed me I was capable of making a difference. Showed me I was stronger than I thought.

 

Now, I can be in a relationship. Now, I can love myself. Now, I can set boundaries. Now, I can look after others.

 

And I know you will too... at the perfect time.

 

BPDSurvivor

Re: Lost all interest and residual feelings of anger and hurt.

@Former-Member @BPDSurvivor 

 

Thanks for sharing. I cannot respond to either of you. I'm just not coping at all. 

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